It feels like I've been laying here for hours. In reality I've only been in bed for about 35 minutes. I feel restless and even meditating doesn't help. Those mosquito bites all over my body itch like crazy even though they haven't itched much ever since I got them two days ago. It even itches on places were I haven't been bitten.
I feel restless. The wheels in my head won't stop turning and the noise they make is driving me insane. I wish I could plug my ears to stop listening to my thoughts. I just got up to measure the size of my bag that I'm planning on taking on my flight in a few days. - I GOT UP FROM MY BED TO MEASURE MY BAG!!!! My head is tired. But my body refuses to calm down so I ecan rest. My alarm will go off at 6.40... 5 hours and 32 minutes left. That makes me anxious too. Not getting enough sleep. So I'm losing sleep over not getting enough sleep, makes total sense 😒 It's so loud in my head. I keep thinking about all the things I want to do before monday. I also agreed to meeting my friends tomorrow which sounded like a lot of fun but now... I'm being completely honest right now, nothing sounds worse. All I keep thinking about is what it was that made me think that making myself presentable, leaving my house and having fun with friends was a good idea. I'm not overreacting but I just started tearing up. It sounds like I have to climb Mount Everest without anything to hold on to. I'd rather stay at home and regret not going out than going out. The noise in my head seems to turn down its volume. Can it turn itself back up? Because now I'm confronted by my reality. Now I can't hide behind the 20 different things I worry about at once. Now I'm focused on one and being focused on one thing means you have to do something about it. I hate it. I can't cancel and I don't really want to but I also don't want to go. I'm confused. I hate it! It must be so confusing to read my story. One week I'm on a cloud and I'm happy and everything's perfect and the next week I'm in the middle of... no. I am a hurricane. That's what it feels like. I feel like a storm is raging inside me and it's draining my battery. I'm neglecting everything around me and I'm not putting any time in any relationship what so ever and I'm scared to ruin everything. I'm scared that I'll look back when the storm passes just to see that there's nothing to look at anymore. I've spend the last 20 minutes writing and thinking... more thinking than writing. I'm a mess. I just hope I won't turn it everything else in my life into one too.
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A while back, I kept getting teased with happiness. I got little tastes of it but as soon as I started to feel comfortable it in, something would explode in my face and left me to believe that 'happiness just wasn't for me'.
Thats the biggest BULL$#*% I've ever ... heard; come up with; ... what do you mean happiness just isn't for me? No happiness is for me! It's for everyone. Not one person was born to be unhappy and miserable. This twisted and messed up world is what makes us unhappy and miserable. Doesn't mean that it's right! But less global because if I start talking about the misery on a global scale... well, I wouldn't know when to stop because that... grrr Back to me and my twisted ideas. I deserve happiness. I've always deserved it but I didn't know how to not blame myself for what I went through. I didn't know how to ask for help and I didn't want to talk to that stupid therapist that just wanted to collect their money and get rid of me and my problems because... well who would want to listen to my problems? Now I know that even if I have blame, I shouldn't make that big enough so it will suffocate me. Now I know that I should ask for help and that those therapists are there to help (most... not all - with their stupid question 'how does that make you feel' which works for some people though... just not for me). I have learned to accept myself and I had to learn how to see myself. Really see myself. Even though my life feels like an absolute mess and I'm tired and even though I feel like this is the last that I can take before I break into a million pieces, I believe that this is temporary and when this passes my life will only get better. You deserve happiness! It starts with you and how you look at yourself and your life. It's in there but you just have to dig it up. Happiness is for all of us! Finally, everything is finally falling into place. I'm embracing the fact that I'm single and I'm making the most of this time. Just me focusing on being a better me.
My baby is going to school which is giving me some (read: a lot) more time to study and go to the gym. I'm moving to a new place, perfect location, first floor... backyard!!! The perfect place to build a home where we can stay! I've made new friends that I enjoy myself with. I'm going on vacation in a few weeks. The relationship between my mom and me has never been this good. I've dropped bad habits. I started meditating. I'm starting to get closer to God again. Aaand then my bucket overflowed and I broke down. I've been saying it for months. I knew I would eventually break and I was trying to keep it from happening but I didn't know where the last drop would fall and when it did... I wasn't ready. My mom and her husband have been really supportive. They're practically making me spend the weekends there so I can gecharge a little. My new therapist sucks because she's not serious and I feel way to young. I'm tired all the time and if you give me a bed (or a chair, who cares) I'll sleep. I keep forgetting to eat and even if I don't I don't really feel like eating. My dreams are so real that I question my memory. I cry a lot. At everything, really. A stupid commercial on tv can even make me cry. I'm a mess. I'm a burned out mess. Packing up the place so I can move has never been this hard. I still haven't even packed my bag to take on vacation (Both are in the same week by the way). Everyday things are so stressful. I'm so exhausted. Old and painful memories are coming back. A lot is happening right now and I think I should take this time to really get past everything; really deal with everything. Maybe, just maybe there's a peaceful future waiting for me... I really hope so because with how I feel right now, I don't think I can keep living this stressful and painful life. It has to stop. If you have any tips on how to deal with this, or are there any articles you think I should read? Please let me know, I could really use some help right now. I started writing with a whole new purpose. I started writing letters to my baby girl. I bought a beautiful notebook that will still look when the time comes that I'll give it to her.
In this notebook and through these letters I'm telling her how I look at her now. I tell her how her improvised songs make me happy and how I wish I could record them all. I tell her how no matter how I feel, when I see her dance I can't help but smile. I grew up not not really knowing how my mother looked at me. Times were difficult in our house and that drove us apart. The only thing I want for my babygirl when she's growing up is that she knows exactly how I look at her and how much I love her. I'm not planning on sugar coating everything and I will write down that things weren't always sunshine and rainbows but that that's alright. She has to know that none of that changes how I feel about her and that I will always stick by her no matter what happens. She needs to know all of that. When I became a mother I had such a strange idea of what a mother was that I was disappointed in myself for the longest time. Until I admitted to feeling disappointed, a mother close to me told me that my expectations were crazy. I want her to know (most of, not all!) the good and the bad. The moments where I want to run away but stayed. The moments she wanted to run but stayed... I want to give her this notebook when she's old enough. I want her to know about the little things that everyone forgets or never really talks about anymore. I honestly think this will be good for both of us. It helps me think more about our moments and it will one day help her see things from my point of view. Things she might not have agreed with. I love her and there's a reason that I call her my heart. I want her to know that reason. I want her to understand her mothers love! ♥️ And what better way to explain it to her then through letters? I write, that's what I do. It's what I've always done to explain my feelings so why change now? I've been sitting here for what feels like hours. Staring at a plank piece of paper, not really sure about what's going on in that head of mine. It's confusing. I think I know but then everything just flips and turns into something completely different. It's exhausting.
Sometimes I feel empty, sometimes I feel like I could explode at any given moment. But the worst thing is, that sometimes the two mix. It feels like I'm being torn apart. Half of me just wants to sleep or sit and stare at the TV while the other half of me is ready to cry and scream and get mad. But when the two mix, I don't have the energy to cry but there's not enough silence to sleep or stare at a TV. If only I could wish this away. If only I could reset my thoughts with one button. I could wish on every star in the sky but it would be foolish to actually hope for it to come true. That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes want it to be that easy. More than sometimes... If only I could wish my tears away; my sadness; my pain; my nightmares... Or better yet, I wish I knew how to deal with this so I could make all of this a part of my past. Every time I think that I dealt with it, it somehow resurfaces without a warning, hitting me like a truck that just appeared out of nowhere. There are times that I wish I could just start over. But the thought of having to go through all of this again... I'd rather just go on. Not that I have a choice. How I wish for my life to be easier. How I wish I could just have a life where I didn't want to forget most of it because it's too hard to think about. I can make a million and one wishes, none of them will come true so instead of wishing upon dead stars, I'm going to do something that might actually work. I'm letting myself get help. My mother picked me up these last two weekends and me and my daughter spend the weekend there so I didn't have to worry about dinner or going out so my daughter can make something of her weekend and so I can rest and have someone to talk to when I need or want to. The first night I spend at her house I felt a little uncomfortable. Mostly because I've been pushing through on my own for so long and now there was someone who took care of me and made me sit down because I didn't have it in me but wanted to do a million things anyway. By opening up to her and talking to her I feel a lot lighter. Spending those weekends there gave me just enough strength to get through the week. Who knows how long this will go on? I don't even care to know but for right now, it works and I'm thankful that this is an option. I had to realize that I'm at a point where I can't figure it out on my own right now. If you know you've reached that point... don't be stubborn and just allow yourself to get help. It might be just the thing that will keep you from drowning. This for me is that little ledge on the side of the pool where you can stand on. It's just enough for me to keep my head above the water but I'm still breathing. Without it... I don't want to think about it to be honest. So much in my life is changing right now. So much that I sometimes don't know what to do with myself. Everything's on hold. I have so much to do but end up being too tired to actually start or if I start I stop halfway to get some air.
Everything that's been piling up has even pushed me to the point of wanting to stop all that I've been doing and just stay right where I am now. But I know that I'll regret it if I stop now. I'm so close. I am so close! It just takes patience and I have to keep going, I'm almost there... where I wanted to be ever since I found out I was pregnant. Even before that. This will make our lives better, why? Because it's something we can build on to make it our own. Because of all the extra stress I've pulled away from my friends and family. Mainly because I feel like I'm bothering people and because I don't want to complain. But it's in times like this that you find your support system, the people who have your back and don't think less of you for having a bad day, week, etc. I'm grateful for the people who help me pull through. Some of them probably don't even know they helped (are helping) me. But that's actually good because they weren't there because I felt low and needed their help. No they were there because they wanted to be. To those people that are always there for me, the real me, the one that isn't perfect; The one that isn't always as positive and happy as she wants to be; to them I want to say thank you! Thank you for letting me be myself. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for helping me pull through. To be honest: My stress level is rising like crazy and I have no idea how to bring it down. I have a million things to do but every night I look back on my day to find out that I didn't do a single thing. I fall asleep at random moments during the week and if it wasn't for my babygirl I'd sleep through the whole week. I can't get up in the morning because I have no idea how... I want to give up on this thing that I'm working towards because I think my stress is all connected to it but deep down I know it's not. I think that's the least stressful part of my life right now. Thank you for giving me a reason to write when I feel like crawling under a rock. Thank you for letting me rant on and on about my 💩 I am grateful for my support system and I'm also grateful for my readers. Without you, Straight Thinking would probably no longer exist. I was able to deal with all the things I went through because I had a place to let it out. But that's not just what this blog is about. I hope that I can help you too if you're going through something. I hope that my way of figuring things out helps you figure things out in your life. Please don't hesitate to contact me. You know how and I'm here. Always 😊 What do you think?
How do you feel? What do you want? You? Not everyone around you, You! We tend to let other people's thoughts and ideas affect our own, but we can't forget about what it is that we want for ourselves. We are all created with a mind of our own, so we need to take advantage of that and use it to our best ability! Copying what others say or think (knowingly or unknowingly) isn't the best way to do that. We can think for ourselves as we should! We need to stand on our own because what if everyone would do that? Then nobody would ever come up with something new. If that were the case then we wouldn't ever get better. If we can all put our own individual minds together we can come up with something great but you have to figure out what's going on in your mind first. Believe in your own thoughts first. Be honest with Yourself first. Ask yourself what you think about the things other people suggest. Your thoughts are important too. How you feel about something is important too! We don't want to be followers, at least I know I don't. I want to be able to look back on my life and know that I made the best of it! So that's exactly what I'll do. I'm going to make the best of it. Please share your thoughts in the comments or talk to me on Facebook/ twitter / Instagram --> links in the sidebar. Or email me by filling in the form on the contact page. I was on 'Wish' looking at bikinis and all of the sudden I was looking for things to make candles and then I was looking at how to make soap and before I knew it I was watching tutorials on how to make crochet braids. Interesting...
That same night I took some hair I still had left and then I started braiding. I challenged myself to learn something new. It felt great to see that I was actually good at it. I amazed myself and it made me realize that I can do anything I put my mind to. I love learning new things and I don't do it enough. I should. I should keep trying new things and I will! Try new things, do new things,... get good at them and then start something new! Try thing you're always been interested in but also try to learn something you wouldn't normally do... I'm trying to invest in my future by learning new languages and new things. My biggest flaw in this is that I'm a big impulsive... I'll get an idea and start looking into it immediately and after a little bit I'll lose interest... but that's something I can work on; something I'm working on. I'm trying new things and I love being creative and finding my own way in new things to make them my own. Learning something new makes me feel confident. It makes me believe in myself more. It makes me realize that anything is possible. No matter how small or big the thing is I'm trying now, if I can do this... I can do other things too. But only if I put my mind to it and I think that's the point where most of us give up, when we stop believing that we can do it because we haven't invested enough in it so it doesn't turn out the way we want it. But how can we expect greatness if we're not giving it our all? Please share your thoughts in the comments or email me via the contact page. Let me know what you think on Facebook, twitter or Instagram by tagging me - links are in the sidebar. I believe in you! I feel better! I'm not sure how my mood shifted but I know what I did...
Something that may seem stupid but usually does a lot for me is changing my playlist. I picked a new one and started listening to new songs. I went against my will and went to stores I usually don't go to because of the distance... I went to my mothers house with public transportation even though it took me 1 hour and 33 minutes to get there and back. I dyed my hair... I bet all of those things and the smaller things I did to change up my day changed my mood. I also opened up to someone close to me about everything that happened. I allowed myself to cry and after all the tears were out... I started to feel better. The person I opened up to reminded me that I've been through a lot and that it isn't crazy for me to break down every once in a while. She reminded me of how strong I've been these last few years and of how strong I had to be. Thinking about everything and thinking about how I've handled these situations gave me strength and I started believing in myself again. I'm not saying that I'm on top of the world right now but I've got the strength to keep going. When I told my friend that I wanted to stop feeling two weeks ago, she told me she was scared for me. That alone was a wake up call. To be honest I don't want to stop feeling. I want to feel. I just want to find a way to deal with the pain so it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm confident that I'll find a way! It won't be easy but life isn't easy, if it was I wouldn't even write. There is a lot of change happening in my life right now and now, for the first time I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait for my vacation in June! I was worried about my baby having two weeks off school this month but now I'm even looking forward to that! I have a few things planned and I'm excited about it! I couldn't be happier that I lost that cloud above my head. It was weighing me down in every way possible and I feel so much lighter now that it's gone. The lesson that it taught me is that I should just change things up when I feel down. It worked for me now so why not try it again if this happens again? When you go through a cloudy period in your life, what do you do to make yourself feel better? Please share your thoughts in the comments below or send me an email by going to the contact page. Or talk to me on Facebook, twitter or Instagram - links are in the sidebar. I'm not going to tell you that I hope you have a good day (which I do by the way), I just want to let you know that you're loved. I want you to know that this is just a storm and it will blow over! Don't give up! Sometimes when I look back at my life it feels like it's all a lie; like I made it all up because how is it possible for all of that to be real?
How is it possible that one person went through so much shit before turning 20? 18 even. How is that possible? Life has been getting a lot harder recently. Not because something happened but because of everything that I thought I dealt with. No I know I dealt with those things and I put it behind me but now there's all this room for new pain. It doesn't so much hurt as it is overwhelming. I struggle with believing that it actually happened. Mostly because I can't imagine feeling what I felt back then. The 4 times a day that I would stand on the train platform, considering if jumping would make everything better. I can't imagine even being so depressed or weighed down by my problems that I'd think about that now. To be honest, I don't know what it is that makes me cry so much these days... yes. I don't know. I'm working on figuring it out but it's too much right now. I want to know but I don't feel like it right now. My head is full. I feel numb at times and I just want to escape. I want to stop feeling this pain. I want to escape but I can't. I feel like I'm being torn apart, trying to keep my head up. I hate how my head is filled with negativity. But the negativity In my life just keeps piling up. I wish all the pain would just go away. My daughter is what keeps me from giving up hope. She is the reason that I smile each day, through everything. My babygirl, my heart beats for and because of her. I just want to be happy... I'm not giving up! I have to much to keep fighting for. I just wish my fight wasn't as hard... |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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