Hayley is turning two in April. I haven't spend one night away from her and I only went out with friends a few times. The last time was a few month ago. I went shopping with a friend. Before that, in October, I went to the movies with a group of friends. A while before that me and her dad went to the movies and I went to the mall with my sister one time. For 3 hours. I'm trying really hard to remember but I can't remember anything else. Maybe because there isn't anything else to remember.
I've been out 4 times since she's born. Four times in two years isn't healthy. Yeah sure we go to my aunt and hang out with her kids but when do I ever get some me time? The gym doesn't really count. I haven't gone there in months too. I'm 22 and I have no social life. My daughter is my life and even though I love her I can't wait to live again. Just a little. I deserve some me time. So why don't I take every opportunity? Maybe because I made myself believe that Hayley is more important me. Someone said that if I'm not happy, she won't be either. So I have to go out and do things so I can come home and be happy to see her. I wake up and I already count the hours till her first nap. That's not right. I don't want to do that. But it's because I'm always around her. I don't have a life of my own anymore and that's what I need to change. How? I need to make myself a priority again. I deserve to go out to see a movie once in a while. Get some drinks with the girls or go shopping by myself. Get out of the house, do something for me. I want to get a haircut and get my nails done. So why not? All I need is a babysitter. Yeah right. I need to start believing that I'm important enough to get pampered. I remember the last time I went to a nail salon. It was 2010 and I was visiting my cousin in San Francisco. She had an appointment and they squeezed me in. I want to take a day off from motherhood and just be 22. Go shopping without constantly smelling a butt to see if it needs a new diaper. Or looking for a place where I can breastfeed in peace. Just once I don't want to think about naps and diapers and milk and snacks. I just want to think of me. I always feel guilty when I think like this but why? Don't I deserve to be young? To enjoy myself? Her dad goes out a lot. Some mornings when I call him at 10.30 AM I wake him up and I feel jealous because I've been up since 6.45 that morning. I love being a mom but it's hard. I'm annoyed really fast. When she keeps putting her pencil in the keyhole in my bedroom door. Or when she keeps yelling from exitement. Even her dvd's are bothering me. I know it's because it's the same thing every day and night. I need to start telling myself, no. I need to start believing that I am worth it. That I deserve to go out sometimes. I deserve to do something for myself. So from now on I will. I know I deserve it, I just don't believe it yet. But I'm working on that. If you feel the same way I do, please repeat those words to yourself. You deserve to get pampered; do something for yourself. You need to enjoy life to. What are our kids without their mothers (or fathers)? How happy will they be if we're not happy? How do you feel about this subject? Do you believe that you deserve some me time? Do you give yourself some time off? Please let me know what you think in the comment section.
0 Comments
I've really been trying to get order in my life. I have a lot of junk I have to get rid of. But lately my head has been so full that it's hard to see where the chaos begins and where it ends.
Even though it's confusing, I try to stay positive. I try to find the silver linings to everything and I try to see all the good that happens throughout the day. One of the things that's been making me particularly happy is how fast my daughter is growing. She repeats everything I say. She's singing the tunes of the Teletubbies and all the cartoons on TV. She does those dances; she responds when we speak English or French to her. I'm more than proud to be her mother. The thing I'm most excited about is that her hair is growing. You know, life is hard. We've all experienced something in our lives that made us question if we wanted to go on. But focusing on the little things that make you happy, is what's going to make it easier. Focusing on a better future is what's going to help you get through it. I was behind on a lot of bills in 2012 and I'm still paying them off, but all I can think of is that as soon as I finished paying them all, that amount can go right into my savings account. I could also look at every bill and think about all the negative sides about it. But I refuse. In a few months I won't owe anyone anything anymore. That is what makes it alright for me to pay them every month. It's all about how you look at things! Of course, paying double bills isn't fun. I could do a lot more with that money but I can't wait for the moment I give them their last payment. Not everything is that easy, just try to see something good in it. Some days I feel like nothing can make me get out of bed. I wish I could call a babysitter and just stay in bed all day. What I try to do on days like that is forcing myself to find something I can smile about. I'll put my daughters favorite DVD on so I can see her dance. That does the trick pretty much every time. If that doesn't do the trick, I take her to the park. I just watch her play and become friends with other kids. Sometimes i just sit at the table with her and grab some pencils and a piece of paper, let her color and draw. My daughter is my "happy place". If I have to find one place I would like to be, I would have to say anywhere in the world, as long as I'm with her. Find that something in your life, something that will make you happy no matter what. The other thing that has given me a lot of peace of mind is my writing. When I write I can't focus on the things I would otherwise worry about. Writing or reading will clear my head. Finding a silver lining, finding something to make me happy and focusing on the good things of each day made my life bearable at first. But after a long time it started to make me happy. I can honestly say that those three things not only help me get through the day, they help make my ordinary day a good day. What do you do to make your day a good day? What is your "Happy place"? Please let me know what you think. I want to talk about something I struggled with for a long time, feeling comfortable in your own skin.
As many young girls do, we compare ourselves to what we see in the media. Everywhere I looked I saw skinny girls with long straight hair, no glasses, no imperfections. I was chubby, had glasses, big curly hair that did it's own thing every single day. So I started to feel less pretty. I knew I wasn't ugly. I knew I was pretty, in my own way. But didn't see that as something good. I felt that I was a little chubby, ugly kid. When I was 17, my glasses broke and I didn't want to get new ones. My hair started doing what I wanted because I had learned how to take care of it. And I started dressing the way I wanted. When I went out with my girls, that would mean, short skirts and dresses. Tight pants. Thinking about what I wore, I can't believe I had the guts to wear that outside. But people looked at me. They noticed me. It made me feel beautiful. No. It made me feel hot. Wanted. When I was 19 I started to realize I was beautiful and I didn't need heavy makeup and I didn't need to show a lot of skin to be noticed. So I started to cover up. I carried myself different and I came at a point in my life where I felt good enough about myself to be able to go outside without having the goal to be seen. But it hadn't really dissapeard at that time. Secretly I still wanted men to turn their heads when I walked past. I still wanted somebody to come up to me and ask for my number because that's what I was used to. It took me 21 years of my life to be comfortable in my own skin. I moved to a new apartment with my daughter last may and moving felt like a new start. I wanted to start fresh. Leave all the silliness and drama behind and start building a new life in stead of trying to rebuild the ruins from my past. I noticed that I woke up every morning feeling good. I wanted to look good for me. If I left the house or not. I didn't dress up and do my hair, nails and makeup to be seen. I did it because I like to do my hair, my nails and my makeup. Guess what happened almost every time I stepped outside my door. People turned their heads. People looked at me. Why? Not because of my super sexy outfit. Not because I was screaming for attention. No, because I carried myself as a confident woman. No matter what you wear, it's how you carry yourself. It doesn't matter which size your pants is. It doesn't matter what that number on your scale is. Because someone else can weigh the exact same but be much bigger or smaller. All that matters is that you know that you are beautiful. Every person, every country, every continent has their own idea of beauty. You should not let YOUR idea of beauty be formed by what the world around you tells you. If you like the opera and nobody arounds you likes the opera, I'd say go to the opera and enjoy yourself. If you don't like something and everyone around you does, don't follow the crowd. Be your own person. It's ok to like and dislike things. You don't have to be like everybody else. Why do you think there are not 2 people on this planet exactly alike? Because we were made to be unique. We were made to be ourselves. We were made to be different. So embrace it and be different. Be yourself. Be who you want to be. Be what feels good for you and you alone. Because at the end of the day you have to live with yourself and you have to be happy with yourself. Strive to be different, unique. Strive to be All you can be but be yourself. 'Liking' something because everyone else likes it will not make you happy. Being YOU will. Get up, stand in front of the mirror and look at yourself. You are beautiful. There's nothing wrong with you! God made us to his resemblance. Think of that next time you're not feeling good about yourself. Have you ever had those moments when you sit and you get emotional but you have no clue why? I have them more than I would want. Sometimes I almost start crying and I can't figure out why. Not knowing what is making me so emotional is frustrating. I've had this for years. Not aware of the reasons for my emotions. I think it might have a lot to do with the fact that I still try to hide a lot of emotions and at certain random moments when I don't force my feelings to the background, they just emerge. Either I get mad easily or I start tearing up when my daughter starts dancing in front of the TV.
I hate crying, it makes me feel vulnerable. Showing that much emotion feels like I'm open to get hurt again. When I was pregnant, I didn't allow myself to stress. There were more then enough reasons for me feel stressed but I just let every thing go. I didn't allow myself to be unhappy. Or even sad. But I had a lot of moments when I just wanted to give up. Hiding your emotions is exhausting. Hiding your emotions while 7 months pregnant is exhausting times 10! I kept my emotions to myself because I didn't know the guy who I lived with. I was still getting to know him. We never had the time to find out who the other person was before we moved in together. We didn't have time to fall in love and build a relationship before we started talking about raising a child. I was 19, he was 23. He wanted to go back to school and get another degree. I just wanted to be left alone. Get a job, move to a big city again, build a life for myself. I felt like I got in the way of not only my own, but also his plans for the future. Along the way you start loving each other but for a very long time it felt like he wasn't there because he wanted to make things work between us. It felt like he wanted to stay close because he wanted a part in his daughters life. Even after she was born and we had talked about it, it sometimes still felt like that. I know it's just a feeling that I needed to let go off, but I couldn't. Every time we got into an argument and he would leave, it felt like I was the only one who wanted this relationship to work. I wanted a relationship AND a family with him. My insecurities, mostly the ones about our relationship and what I meant to him we're the main reason why things didn't work out eventually. If I would have showed him how I felt from the start, things would have been different today. But not only in my relationship, in my life. If I would have allowed people to get close to me, I would have a different life. 'I would have'... Yes it's true, if only I had done something different. If only I allowed myself to cry 10 years ago, things would have been different. But it isn't. I can't go back in time to change anything. So I have to figure out how to make the best of the life I live today. I can only grow as a person and make sure that the next time around I'm open and I let others see the real me. Up to this day, there is only one person that can see right through me. There's no point in hiding anything because she knows I'm not telling the truth. It feels liberating to be myself for once. Sometimes I tell her something and she tells me 'This idea is not coming from you.' and it makes me reflect. I want to be myself. Every moment of every day. But to do that, I have to allow myself to feel. I need to allow myself to feel sad. I have to let myself cry. You're not showing someone your emotions because it's better for them to know. You're opening up for your own good. If you live in a house with someone for 10 years and you keep your true feelings to yourself, they won't know the difference. You are the one that is going to drive yourself crazy. To prevent that from happening you'll just shut them out more. Build another wall. You're going to make yourself unhappy. I got so used to hiding my feelings that I still don't know how to be open about certain things. I rather forget than talk about it. That's what I did with a lot of things, but that's a whole other story. You owe it to yourself to be honest about your feelings. You will feel relieved and liberated. Trust me. Is it difficult for you to open up to people? How do you feel when you keep your feelings from someone? How do you feel when you talk about how you really feel? Please let me know in the comments. |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
|