I started writing with a whole new purpose. I started writing letters to my baby girl. I bought a beautiful notebook that will still look when the time comes that I'll give it to her.
In this notebook and through these letters I'm telling her how I look at her now. I tell her how her improvised songs make me happy and how I wish I could record them all. I tell her how no matter how I feel, when I see her dance I can't help but smile. I grew up not not really knowing how my mother looked at me. Times were difficult in our house and that drove us apart. The only thing I want for my babygirl when she's growing up is that she knows exactly how I look at her and how much I love her. I'm not planning on sugar coating everything and I will write down that things weren't always sunshine and rainbows but that that's alright. She has to know that none of that changes how I feel about her and that I will always stick by her no matter what happens. She needs to know all of that. When I became a mother I had such a strange idea of what a mother was that I was disappointed in myself for the longest time. Until I admitted to feeling disappointed, a mother close to me told me that my expectations were crazy. I want her to know (most of, not all!) the good and the bad. The moments where I want to run away but stayed. The moments she wanted to run but stayed... I want to give her this notebook when she's old enough. I want her to know about the little things that everyone forgets or never really talks about anymore. I honestly think this will be good for both of us. It helps me think more about our moments and it will one day help her see things from my point of view. Things she might not have agreed with. I love her and there's a reason that I call her my heart. I want her to know that reason. I want her to understand her mothers love! ♥️ And what better way to explain it to her then through letters? I write, that's what I do. It's what I've always done to explain my feelings so why change now?
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I've been sitting here for what feels like hours. Staring at a plank piece of paper, not really sure about what's going on in that head of mine. It's confusing. I think I know but then everything just flips and turns into something completely different. It's exhausting.
Sometimes I feel empty, sometimes I feel like I could explode at any given moment. But the worst thing is, that sometimes the two mix. It feels like I'm being torn apart. Half of me just wants to sleep or sit and stare at the TV while the other half of me is ready to cry and scream and get mad. But when the two mix, I don't have the energy to cry but there's not enough silence to sleep or stare at a TV. If only I could wish this away. If only I could reset my thoughts with one button. I could wish on every star in the sky but it would be foolish to actually hope for it to come true. That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes want it to be that easy. More than sometimes... If only I could wish my tears away; my sadness; my pain; my nightmares... Or better yet, I wish I knew how to deal with this so I could make all of this a part of my past. Every time I think that I dealt with it, it somehow resurfaces without a warning, hitting me like a truck that just appeared out of nowhere. There are times that I wish I could just start over. But the thought of having to go through all of this again... I'd rather just go on. Not that I have a choice. How I wish for my life to be easier. How I wish I could just have a life where I didn't want to forget most of it because it's too hard to think about. I can make a million and one wishes, none of them will come true so instead of wishing upon dead stars, I'm going to do something that might actually work. I'm letting myself get help. My mother picked me up these last two weekends and me and my daughter spend the weekend there so I didn't have to worry about dinner or going out so my daughter can make something of her weekend and so I can rest and have someone to talk to when I need or want to. The first night I spend at her house I felt a little uncomfortable. Mostly because I've been pushing through on my own for so long and now there was someone who took care of me and made me sit down because I didn't have it in me but wanted to do a million things anyway. By opening up to her and talking to her I feel a lot lighter. Spending those weekends there gave me just enough strength to get through the week. Who knows how long this will go on? I don't even care to know but for right now, it works and I'm thankful that this is an option. I had to realize that I'm at a point where I can't figure it out on my own right now. If you know you've reached that point... don't be stubborn and just allow yourself to get help. It might be just the thing that will keep you from drowning. This for me is that little ledge on the side of the pool where you can stand on. It's just enough for me to keep my head above the water but I'm still breathing. Without it... I don't want to think about it to be honest. So much in my life is changing right now. So much that I sometimes don't know what to do with myself. Everything's on hold. I have so much to do but end up being too tired to actually start or if I start I stop halfway to get some air.
Everything that's been piling up has even pushed me to the point of wanting to stop all that I've been doing and just stay right where I am now. But I know that I'll regret it if I stop now. I'm so close. I am so close! It just takes patience and I have to keep going, I'm almost there... where I wanted to be ever since I found out I was pregnant. Even before that. This will make our lives better, why? Because it's something we can build on to make it our own. Because of all the extra stress I've pulled away from my friends and family. Mainly because I feel like I'm bothering people and because I don't want to complain. But it's in times like this that you find your support system, the people who have your back and don't think less of you for having a bad day, week, etc. I'm grateful for the people who help me pull through. Some of them probably don't even know they helped (are helping) me. But that's actually good because they weren't there because I felt low and needed their help. No they were there because they wanted to be. To those people that are always there for me, the real me, the one that isn't perfect; The one that isn't always as positive and happy as she wants to be; to them I want to say thank you! Thank you for letting me be myself. Thank you for being a part of my life. Thank you for helping me pull through. To be honest: My stress level is rising like crazy and I have no idea how to bring it down. I have a million things to do but every night I look back on my day to find out that I didn't do a single thing. I fall asleep at random moments during the week and if it wasn't for my babygirl I'd sleep through the whole week. I can't get up in the morning because I have no idea how... I want to give up on this thing that I'm working towards because I think my stress is all connected to it but deep down I know it's not. I think that's the least stressful part of my life right now. Thank you for giving me a reason to write when I feel like crawling under a rock. Thank you for letting me rant on and on about my 💩 I am grateful for my support system and I'm also grateful for my readers. Without you, Straight Thinking would probably no longer exist. I was able to deal with all the things I went through because I had a place to let it out. But that's not just what this blog is about. I hope that I can help you too if you're going through something. I hope that my way of figuring things out helps you figure things out in your life. Please don't hesitate to contact me. You know how and I'm here. Always 😊 What do you think?
How do you feel? What do you want? You? Not everyone around you, You! We tend to let other people's thoughts and ideas affect our own, but we can't forget about what it is that we want for ourselves. We are all created with a mind of our own, so we need to take advantage of that and use it to our best ability! Copying what others say or think (knowingly or unknowingly) isn't the best way to do that. We can think for ourselves as we should! We need to stand on our own because what if everyone would do that? Then nobody would ever come up with something new. If that were the case then we wouldn't ever get better. If we can all put our own individual minds together we can come up with something great but you have to figure out what's going on in your mind first. Believe in your own thoughts first. Be honest with Yourself first. Ask yourself what you think about the things other people suggest. Your thoughts are important too. How you feel about something is important too! We don't want to be followers, at least I know I don't. I want to be able to look back on my life and know that I made the best of it! So that's exactly what I'll do. I'm going to make the best of it. Please share your thoughts in the comments or talk to me on Facebook/ twitter / Instagram --> links in the sidebar. Or email me by filling in the form on the contact page. I was on 'Wish' looking at bikinis and all of the sudden I was looking for things to make candles and then I was looking at how to make soap and before I knew it I was watching tutorials on how to make crochet braids. Interesting...
That same night I took some hair I still had left and then I started braiding. I challenged myself to learn something new. It felt great to see that I was actually good at it. I amazed myself and it made me realize that I can do anything I put my mind to. I love learning new things and I don't do it enough. I should. I should keep trying new things and I will! Try new things, do new things,... get good at them and then start something new! Try thing you're always been interested in but also try to learn something you wouldn't normally do... I'm trying to invest in my future by learning new languages and new things. My biggest flaw in this is that I'm a big impulsive... I'll get an idea and start looking into it immediately and after a little bit I'll lose interest... but that's something I can work on; something I'm working on. I'm trying new things and I love being creative and finding my own way in new things to make them my own. Learning something new makes me feel confident. It makes me believe in myself more. It makes me realize that anything is possible. No matter how small or big the thing is I'm trying now, if I can do this... I can do other things too. But only if I put my mind to it and I think that's the point where most of us give up, when we stop believing that we can do it because we haven't invested enough in it so it doesn't turn out the way we want it. But how can we expect greatness if we're not giving it our all? Please share your thoughts in the comments or email me via the contact page. Let me know what you think on Facebook, twitter or Instagram by tagging me - links are in the sidebar. I believe in you! |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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