I've decided to try something new. I'm going to challenge myself to learn something completely new. Something I haven't tried before but I have thought about it in the past.
Rather than just getting through the day I am going to invest (my time and money) in my future. Why? Because I'm looking at my life and I don't want to be where i am now, in 5 years. Not even in two years, if I'm really honest. So I'm going to change that. That's the only option I have. If I want to live a 'different' life in a few years... then I'll have to work on it today. I'm a fast learner and I love to study! I always have so why I never picked it up is a mystery to me but that doesn't even really matters. It matters that I'm going to start again. I also have to acknowledge that I need to listen to my body and take a break whenever it's required. Not taking breaks isn't good for anyone... I just want something better. I want to show my baby that I'm not giving up. I'm going to show her that no matter what, there's always a way to keep going. There's always a way, as long as you keep looking for one. And I think I found my way. I think I finally found that one thing that I am meant to do. I don't believe that this is the only thing I'm meant to do but this is one of the things I was meant to do and I am going to find out if my heart is in it so I can enjoy doing it too.
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I've spend the majority of my time this past week on trying to figure out what to write about. Normally something would just come up to me and I'd write but it's been a while since it just came to me.
Writing has become a task. I've even thought about taking a break from writing but I don't know it if will help. Sometimes you just got to push through, right? As soon as I handed over the keys to my old apartment I could feel my body shutting off. I've pushed myself to the very limit and then I just collapsed. I took a few days "off". I didn't unpack any bags. I didn't open any boxes. I just existed. I need to give myself a peptalk before I can drag myself to the shower. I live around the corner from the store but I asked someone who was coming over if they could bring me some milk because I was literally too tired to get up. I just told my baby girl that we're going to buy some new flowers because th ones we have now are pretty much dead and now I'm sitting here regretting that I ever said anything. All I do is complain these last few weeks, or has it been months? It feels like years. But that's not why I write. I don't want to write about all that sucks in my life right now. I want to write about the things that don't suck, the things that give me energy but since I don't have a lot that's giving me energy... why bother writing? I don't want to stop. I want to keep going and do what I came here to do... but I've lost track of that goal. I'm just writing so I don't quit. Ok this has to change. I'm going to push myself to do more so I have more energy sources and more to write about. I'm done sitting around and hearing myself complain. If I'm sick of my own complaining I'm scared to ask how sick you must be. One thing I know. I'm not giving up. Why? Because I know why I started. I'm not done yet! In every situation is a lesson. That's what I've learned a few days ago.
I'm over the moon that I was able to get this house and it is perfect (not really but it is)! But a lot has happened. Everyone except one of my friends who said they'd help me move into this apartment cancelled or just didn't show up. People who were driving me crazy with all of their ideas for the house and the backyard. You don't even want to know how many pictures I recieved on Pinterest! It were the people I least expected that showed up. One of them I stopped talking to months ago. Someone called them to let them know I was moving and they just offered to come and help. I had 10 days to move. 6 days of which I needed to make this house decent so we could move in and 4 days to empty my other apartment and clean it. Well... if we ever move again I'll make sure I have at least a month because this was hell. Me and my mother did everything by ourselves those first days while my daughter was running around. There's a lot to complain about. I'm absolutely exhausted and I don't know if I'll be able to get up from this chair after I'm done writing that's how much my muscles hurt. BUT... I have a beautiful new apartment. The lesson that I learned the last few days is that no matter how much goes wrong, no matter how many people cancelled, no matter how much junk I have piled up in my backyard... at least I have a backyard now. There's one stairs in between my old and my new apartment and I walked up that stairs 87 times in the three days that I was moving my stuff down. But today is the last time that I'll have to walk up those stairs to get to my front door. I've learned that I have to look at the good. All the kids in the street were playing in our jungle of a backyard and my baby girl was so proud because everyone was playing at her house (It's a mess but the kids can play and throw with the dirt and they're having so much fun). We have been here for almost 4 years but this is the first time I feel at home in this street. There's so much good in my life and for some reason I keep focussing the clouds and the rain, like there's no sun at all. But I'm working on changing that. There was a time when I could ignore the clouds and enjoy the rain. I want to go back to that. So I will. There are no words to explain how good it feels to be working on fixing up my new apartment! I'm so excited and every hour that passes makes the whole apartment look better. A little paint here and there does wonders.
My whole body aches, even my toes... don't ask me how I managed to do that but it's worth it. Today is going to be an even busier day because I'm getting furniture delivered and I'm breaking down the build-in closet and building a new wall. I have my work cut out for me but I know that next week this house will be transformed into a little palace. The excitment makes me feel so much better! I sleep a lot but I also do a lot. My head doesn't stop thinking about new ideas, that's how I woke up with the idea of putting wallpaper on the inside of my baby girls door instead of having a white door in a green room (no it's not Kermit green. I'm working with different colors and it's going to be beautiful!!). For the first time in my life (except for the one time i got to choose pink wallpaper with hearts when I was 8) I have the opportunity to do what I want in my house. I can make my daughters room epic. I chose the floors that I wanted. I chose what I wanted. I've always settled and the apartment I've been living in for the last three years wasn't worth fixing up because I knew I wanted to move away from here eventually. And look at my life now. I found a apartment that's big enough for the both of us. We have a huge backyard that I can do with whatever I want. I even have my own driveway... all I need now is my license 😂 I'm slowly getting to where I want to be. I'm slowly accepting my life as it is. It was a weird moment when I found out I could get this new place. I remember sitting on my balcony and I prayed for God to help me. I asked him to either help me find a place that I could make my home or help me accept that this is our home so I could fix it up and make it look and feel like home. That's when I started to accept this place and I even started looking for paint. Not even a week after I went to look for paint I got the news that this apartment was coming back on the market. I called and I was first in line to get it. I had just rearranged all my furniture in the living room and I had bought a painting and two new chairs. A new dining table... The more I allow God to take control and the more I follow his lead I can see my life changing for the better. I had my vacation planned in June and I have a weekend away planned with my girl in August and all of the sudden I need to move in July. 😱 I felt so overwhelmed because I didn't know how I was going to do it (to be honest, I still don't know how I'll ever finish all that I have to do within A WEEK!!?!?!! But I'm not worried anymore. It'll be fine. I'm doing as much as I can every day and that's all I can do. I still feel the same as a few weeks ago but now I just don't have the time to stress about stress. Right now I have enough to deal with... making my new house look and feel like home. It's official!! I'm moving! I get the keys to the new place by the end of the week. I'm excited (she said without showing the tiniest bit of emotion).
I am excited. I'm happy that it's finally here because I signed the papers in the beginning of May! A lot of my excitement has disappeared already. But I can't wait for the end of the week. I already bought the floor and I bought new chairs for my dining table. I'm still not sure what to do with my walls but I might just leave it all white. My next focus is new curtains and slowly I'm starting to see what it will look like. I never changed anything about my current apartment because I knew I didn't want to stay here. So I'm excited because this will be the home we'll stay in. That's not it. I'm also excited about moving because this is just one step closer to the stability I want and need for us. So much has happened during my baby's short little life and she deserves peace. So let our home be the base for that. The place she can always come back to and the place that's safest. From there we'll build our life the way we want it. It's time for me to give her (and myself) the life she deserves. She deserves so much more than what I've been able to give and build for her. But that's all going to change. We're leaving this house with all of the bad memories. We're starting over. I know that moving isn't a guaranteed new start but in this case it is. I'm leaving the house of my past relationship behind and that is also something big. I'm not taking much of the furniture we had back then. I already replaced a lot. I even sold the bed. Moving is just a part of my process to move on and heal. I'm aware that it will take a lot more than just a new address but I know that this is a good start. |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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