When do you know you've had enough? Is it when you're mad and angrily decide that you don't want 'it' anymore, whatever that 'it' may be?
Or is it when you calm down and decide that you want something else? When I was mad I decided I had enough and that I wanted something else. When I calmed down I knew I wanted something more than what it was then. Anger is just a temporary emotion where as love for someone goes much deeper and it will stay longer so once I completely calmed down, I tried to find ways to find that something else in what I wanted to give up on. I kept trying even though I was still hurting and new things happened that hurt me more. Even though I had 'decided' that I had enough, the truth was that I didn't. I couldn't decide that. I wanted to and I tried but I couldn't. This morning I realized I had enough because I felt it. I was on my way and when I followed the same way back, I thought I had never seen those streets before, until I saw a purple bench I came across earlier. Then I knew it was the same street but I didn't recognized anything else, even though I had been there three minutes earlier. That made me think about those moments I've had the last couple of days. I can't remember certain things, mostly because I'm not focused. I'm not paying any attention and I hate it because I try so hard. I've spent most of my weekend sleeping because I'm tired, exhausted. So when I came home this morning I took a deep breath and somewhere in that breath I realized that I've had enough. The last few months have been difficult but now that it's affecting me in a whole new way, I need to take away the situation's power to control my mood and be the boss of my own life again. I need to stop allowing things and situations and people to change my mood. I love myself enough to know that this is not what I deserve. I love myself enough to know that I should do something before this gets out of hand. I'm working on me, every day and it's not always easy but it's worth it! Let me know what you think in the comments below or send me an email via the contact page. Or talk to me on Twitter/Facebook/Instagram. Don't forget that you are your most valuable piece of art. Spend time on yourself, meditate and love yourself! You deserve at least that.
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A very long time ago, somewhere in high school, I used to write poetry. I used to enjoy writing those poems but I'd keep them hidden from everyone.
I haven't for such a long time and I couldn't figure out why I ever stopped. After a while I completely forgot about it. My poetry was empty. I couldn't pour my heart into them. I couldn't even put my feelings on paper. Why not? Because I never learned how to accept my feelings; my reality and my fault. Because with everything that I've been through, I know that I'm not an angel and that I wasn't this innocent little girl who never hurt a fly and just happened to be in the wrong place at the wrong time. No! But, the other day I was beat and I couldn't keep my eyes open and since my daughter was already asleep, I decided to sneak a little nap in there too. No matter how hard I tried not to think (that's the problem right there), I couldn't fall asleep. But once I did, I started dreaming. I was reciting a poem. I told the empty chairs my true feelings. Right after, I was searching for a pen and a paper but I couldn't find it. Then I woke up (5 minutes later) and I wrote it down. I fell asleep right after and didn't read it since then. Until this morning. That poem doesn't even matter. It was the moment I dreamed about it. I remember that dream. I was standing tall and I was sure of every word that came out of my mouth. I felt strong. That moment I was able to accept what was going on in my life and finally let it be what it is. Truth is that it's nothing anymore. There is nothing there to keep fighting for or to keep feeling sad about. So since there's nothing there, why hold on to it? You can't even hold on to nothing. You'll just look like a fool with your palms up, holding on to air... Stupid right? I must say, I love who I've become. I love who I'm becoming. I've grown a lot over the last (almost) two years and growth is everything! Strive to grow every day and you'll be fine! I promise. Keep being honest with yourself. Don't sugarcoat anything for yourself because you're not helping yourself with that! Accept your reality, you can't change it. But you can change your future. Make yourself better so your future can be better as well. One more thing: let go of what you can't change and let go of what isn't worth holding on to anymore. Let me know what you think in the comments below or talk to me on Twitter/ Facebook or Instagram. You can also send me an email by going to my contact page. Hold on to the things that matter. I have to be honest with you and myself right now. It's been getting more and more difficult to come up with topics to write about. Not because I'm losing interest in what I'm doing, not at all! But because I feel like I'm in the middle of a storm. Everytime I think the storm is ending, it starts on the other side.
I feel like my life is falling apart. Not all of it, but a lot. I feel like I'm losing my place in this world. The places I used to call home, now seem strange and make me feel uncomfortable, so do the people there. I also feel feel like I'm overreacting; like I should just shut up and deal with it on my own. Preferably behind closed doors with the blinders shut. I feel like I don't deserve to be happy because every time I feel some level of true happiness, something comes my way that will knock me over. I'm tired of being hurt. I'm tired of being sad. I'm tired of being tired. But you know, my life isn't falling apart. The broken relationships and the toxic people in my life are finally leaving. The people who I may love with my whole being, but were never able to return just a fraction of that love, they are finally leaving my life. That doesn't mean that it doesn't hurt every time I think about them. That [finally] doesn't mean that I'm even the slightest bit happy about it. I say finally because I can finally start healing from the countless wounds they have given me over the many, many years that they were close enough to hurt me. The lies they told, kept telling and the way they crushed my spirit with it. Those things will finally be done. But thinking about how I wont talk to them anymore, knowing them, for a whole lot of years, frightens me. I've spend my whole life trying to fix these relationships. But there's no way back right now. Not that I am sad about that. Im glad we can all move on and I'm glad I can finally heal myself so I can grow and finally find my happiness. I'm not overreacting. I'm an emotional person and I express what I feel. My feelings run deep and I'll keep them to myself for as long as I possibly can and then I fall apart. I break down and everything hits them at once. That doesn't mean that I'm exaggerating. I'm not overreacting. The way they treated me was unacceptable! I accepted it because I couldn't let go of what I felt for them. I had so much love while they seemed to have none. They kicked me and bullied me while laughing and it was 'all a joke'. I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY. But before I can be, I have to break away from every thing toxic in my life. It hurts, so why would I? Because I want to be happy! What at are your thoughts/experiences? Share them in the comments or talk to me on Facebook; Twitter or Instagram. Have a good week, I hope you'll feel loved and cared for. Because you deserve it! If you want to have a one on one you can send me an email by going to my contact page. There was a point where I thought the bad days wouldn't end. Not even two weeks ago I told my friend that I felt overwhelmed by everything I did or had to do. I was lost and wasn't sure how I could ever find my way back or if I could even find my way back.
I've been through that before... It feels like I'm on the edge of a cliff and I know that if there's only a breeze I will fall off and get depressed. Feeling down is so much easier to recover from than being depressed so that's what I've been working on so I could avoid it. But it felt like I was about to fall but then something pulled me back. Me and my baby spend the last 5 days at my friends house and we attended a convention (the annual convention of Jehovah's Witnesses) while we were there. It lifted my spirits and even though I'm so tired physically, I feel recharged. I'm happy, I'm laughing again and I can't wait to wake up the next morning. I'm making plans for next week again and that's something I haven't done in a while. Why am I telling you this? Because I want you to know that no matter how dark the sky gets. No matter how long the storm takes and no matter how long the rain keeps falling, it will end and the sun will come back! No matter how long you feel like you're on that edge. No matter how long you feel depressed. If you keep focusing on finding the first ray of sunshine... You'll find it, I promise. Please, don't give up. Times will change and you will feel better. It's closer than you think! Please share your thoughts and/or experiences in the comments. Or talk to me on social media -- links are in the sidebar. Or send me an email by going to the contact page and filling in the form. Stay strong! You can do it. |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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