Trust is a difficult thing.
I can trust someone to be around me. I can trust someone around my child. I can trust someone with my love but can I trust someone with my heart? In the past I’ve been hurt, lied to, cheated on and abused. All by people who claimed to love me. I trusted them around me, with my love and I even gave one of them (a piece of) my heart. Now, I’m living life without them in my life. But whenever I get hurt by someone who is in my life I get back to that place I’ve been fighting to get away from. I feel more vulnerable than anyone ever should… I over think everything and I cry until my head feels like it's going to explode. Recently I got hurt. I tried to understand but the tears kept coming and the headache wouldn’t go away. I didn’t know what to do and I got frustrated with myself and all of the sudden… nothing. I wasn’t sad anymore, I wasn’t angry and I wasn’t in any kind of pain anymore. I felt absolutely nothing. I still thought about everything that had happened but it was like I was thinking of something that had happened over a year ago, instead of that morning. I know what happened. I pulled up my wall. I couldn’t handle the pain and I was sick of the tears so instead of allowing myself to feel… I shut down all emotions at once and hid behind that big wall with a mask on. It felt like the only way out. It felt like the only way to survive. The wall I pulled up is higher than it’s ever been. It doesn’t feel safe. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to hide. I want to feel. I want to cry and I want to let them know that what they did, is killing me inside. But instead of feeling, I’m smiling and PRETENDING like nothing happened and I’m PRETENDING to be alright. I’ll have to take down this wall again, brick by brick and I’ll have to take off this mask but it’s a lot harder than it sounds. All I really want to do is sleep, because that’s the only time where I don’t have to pretend or feel. But I also know that that’s not an option. I’m trying to figure it out. I know what to do but I don’t know how… yet. I’m going to read my first blog entry, see if it helps me get any further :p I want to feel, I have to cry. I’m just waiting for the thing that’ll trigger it. I’m looking for something that will trigger it. Because not feeling sucks! Please share your thoughts or experiences in the comments. Advice is welcome too! Or email me -> contact page. Or talk to me on twitter/Facebook. (Links in the sidebar) I want to say something motivational but it feels like I’d be faking something. I just want to say that no matter what’s going on, it will end. I know this feeling I have right now, (“Feeling”) will change. It might take a while but it will end. Doesn’t make it better for the time being but the rain eventually has to make room for the sun. And you know, I can’t wait for the sun to come out. Stay positive!
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I’ve said this countless times before, but it is time for me to put myself first. It’s time for me to choose ‘ME’.
All those times I said I would, I wasn’t in the right place. First, I had to LEARN how to love myself. I had to GROW and look at my reflection. Only then, I saw what I wanted to change. You can say that you’re not happy with yourself but if you don’t take the time to look at yourself first, how can you ever find out what it is exactly that you want to change? I put everyone I love before my own needs. At least… I used to. I can say that I used to because I am working really hard to change that. For me, that doesn’t mean giving them less… it means giving myself more! I can honestly say that I love myself enough to give me everything I need. I allow myself the tears in order for me to move past my pain. I allow myself to rest if my head or body needs it. Sometimes I need a break from life and I now realize that that’s ok. So I just crawl in bed with my laptop and I watch Netflix until I fall asleep. You know, everybody puts themselves first in a completely different way. For me, it mostly means that I spend time figuring out my true feelings. I have to deal with my emotions and not give someone else’s feelings more thought than my own. Putting myself first means that I have to be happy. If I’m not happy with something, it has to change. Yes, I still doubt my feelings sometimes. I still care a lot about other people’s feelings but I also know that putting them before me doesn’t help either of us. If I really care that much about them I have to be honest with them too. With everything that’s been going on in my life I have a lot to think about. I’m slowly growing stronger and choosing ‘me’ is becoming less difficult each day. It shouldn’t be difficult at all. It should be the easiest thing to do, to choose yourself! But our hearts are so big that we want to make others happy and somewhere along the way we get caught up in everybody’s search for happiness and forget our own. That will probably always be the case, a little. But I hope that I will not forget about my own. Something I had to repeat to myself A LOT is that I’m important too and I deserve to be happy! After a million times that message finally got stuck in my head and now it’s not just something I know, it’s something I believe! Something I live by… YOU are important! You DESERVE to be happy!! Please leave your thoughts in the comments or talk to me on social media --> links in the sidebar. Orrr email me by going to the contact page and filling in the form. Choose you! It’s worth it! ;) I’m sitting here and all of the sudden I feel tears in my eyes. Why? Because this is the first time this week that I sat down with nothing but my thoughts. I’ve been so hooked on Netflix in my spare time that I haven’t had a chance to think. I have the radio on every time I do something around the house.
If I leave the house I have my headphones in. I make sure that I won’t be alone with my thoughts. A few months ago I bought a few books. A few days ago I picked one of them up and started reading it. I saved this one for last without thinking about it. The first page I read was a nudge in my side. As if somebody was trying to wake me up. Really slow. After a couple of paged the nudge became somebody knocking on the door. I read 65 pages and the knocking on the door turned into someone banging pots and pans together, screaming my name to wake me up. I realize that I’ve been making excuses so I don’t have to make a decision. But I also realize that not making a decision is also a decision. You decide not to change anything. But I made up my mind. I’m not ready to say it out loud. I can’t. Life as we know it will change for good. Thinking of the conversation I have to prepare myself for is devastating. The tears in my eyes are about to fall down my cheek and there’s no way I can stop them. But I’m tired of excuses. Life as we know it doesn’t feel the way it used to anyways. Change will be good but change will be difficult. I just wish there was an on/off switch on feelings and emotions. There isn’t and wishing for one will not make anything easier. I need to be alone with my thoughts just a little longer. I need to cry and get all of these emotions out of my system. All so I can have a clear view of what’s to come. All these tears in my eyes make it next to impossible for me to see what’s coming. I have so much on my mind but I don’t know where to begin. So I’ll just stop thinking for a little while. I’m going to get through this, no matter how hard it will be. I’ll figure it out. I’ve done it before. After everything that ever happened to me, I’m still standing. Talk to me in the comments or on Facebook; Twitter --> links in the sidebar. Or email me by going to my contact page. Stay strong! I’ve been sitting behind my laptop for the last 40 minutes, typing a few sentences and removing them. I don’t know what to talk about. I have so much on my mind but I don’t know where to begin.
Hayley is making noise behind me and I can’t seem to focus. Normally I can do this with the radio on. So why, why can’t I focus now? It didn’t take me long to figure that out. Two minutes. I don’t have a lot on my mind. I have one thing on my mind that I need to deal with. But I don’t want to. I’m scared because I will have to be brutally honest with myself. If I don’t… I’ll put myself in a very difficult situation. I’ve been at this particular crossroad already, this is the third or fourth time. But it’s never been like this. I’m wiser and I’m stronger and all that’s left for me to do is look at myself, see if this is what I really want or if this is just me following what I know. If that’s the case then I should take a turn. Time will tell if that turn is the right one. Figuring out what to do from this point, this terrible cross road where I have two choices. I either keep going like this and change nothing or I let go of everything and I start following a new path. Maybe there’s a third way to go. I just haven’t discovered that yet. Maybe there’s a way for me to change what I’ve been doing for the better and follow this path. I’m really scared to move right now. I’m scared to make the wrong move before I have chosen and that life will choose for me. I’m scared to look towards one path too long because what if that other path will no longer be available after I do so? Am I ready to let go of everything and jump, just to see what that other path will bring me? Or am I holding on to this because it’s safe, even though it doesn’t make me better? I wish I could stop thinking about it and just follow my feet but it’s too scary. Why I’m so scared? I’m not ready to face that answer. Saying ‘I don’t know’ would be a lie because I know. I know what path I want to take because I think it will be better for me. But I’m not ready to accept that I know that. This path I’ve been on has helped me grow so much. It has given me so much joy and because of it I’m in a better place right now. How can I just turn my back on it and move on to something new? So am I going to keep following this path because I feel like I should? Am I going to keep following this path because this feels safe or because this would be my choice if I’d follow my heart? Or am I going to walk towards something new, unknown? Something I’m not even sure of. What if I’ll regret my decision? I don’t know if I can ever go back! I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes and a tissue in my hand. I just realized what I should do. Doesn’t mean that it’s the easiest thing to do. I need to stop writing because I’m not ready to cry about this yet. I need to take a few days to think about this. Maybe longer. But I need to get my head and my heart to think or beat as one instead of dealing with this constant fight that’s going on inside of me. Please share your experiences or thoughts in the comments. Or email me or talk to me on twitter or Facebook. The links are in the sidebar. Even though it hurts right now, I’ll get through this. Hi, how are you?
I hope you’re doing good. If that’s not the case, please feel free to say so. Don’t just say you’re ok. It’s ok to have a bad day. It’s normal. You know, my bad days used to be the worst. I couldn’t get out of bed and if I did, it was to turn on my TV or get something to eat. I would try to sleep all day or I would watch movie after movie until it was time for me to go back to sleep. I’d avoid everyone except for some people who I’d type with on skype. I wouldn’t even call them. Behind the keyboard I could still be happy and fun to talk to but I couldn’t change the expression on my face. My highs were always really high and my lows were really low. There was no in between. I had to learn that it was ok to feel bad and I should allow myself to have a bad day. I learned that after Hayley was born. I talked to other mothers and I heard from them that they had their moments without their child to stay sane. For one it meant taking a shower after she put the baby down. For someone else it meant going grocery shopping by herself, once a week. They also taught me that I will have bad days and the best way to deal with them is to face them. Instead of acting like it’s a good day, just see how the day goes. Sometimes I would just open the door and sit in our backyard with Hayley and enjoy doing nothing. I Allowing myself to have a bad day helped me. Now I have those “in-between’s” I didn’t have back then. But I also don’t have those very bad days. I do have the good days and I cherish them. Today was a very good day for me. I woke up and received a message from a friend a minute after. She came over with her daughter almost right away. I didn’t even have time to take a shower before she came but so what? :p We talked, we laughed, the girls watched frozen and we had lunch before they left at 1PM. Me and Hayley took a nap and now I’m here, writing this entry because I was too lazy to do it yesterday and forgot when my friend came over. Oops. But today was a good day for me. But back to you. How are you? How is/was your day? Is it just starting or is it almost to an end? I hope you will have a good day or enjoy what’s left of it. Having a bad day is like your battery is low. Take care of yourself and recharge so you can start tomorrow with a full battery and a big smile! (Sometimes recharging may take longer than just a day. If it does, take two days…) I’d love to hear what your thoughts/experiences are. Please let me know in the comments. Or send me an email by going to the contact page and filling in the form. Or talk to me on Social Media (The links are in the sidebar). Please share your weekly special with me with #MyWeeklySpecial. I can’t wait to see it! I’m a work in progress, just like everyone else! |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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