Someone pointed out to me that I was so lucky growing up.
I had a lot of pets, including a horse. I went on trips from Holland to California a couple of summers in a row. If I didn’t go to California, I’d go camping with my mom, brother and sister. If you look at it like that, yes, I was really lucky. I had a room to myself. I had a computer on my room before I even knew what Google was. When I was 16 I had a TV, computer and a laptop on my room. Yes, I had a lot of stuff. Stuff. All of those pets and all of those things didn’t make me happy. Not because I wanted more. I wanted something else. I wanted to feel that I lived in a place, a home where I was more than welcome. I guess I was but I had a lot to deal with from an early age that I never saw it for what it was. I would rather be in my room than anywhere else. It was my own space. I used the computer in my room to write. I don’t even know where and how I began to write but I know that I felt happy. I could create a world where the main character was always welcome. Where people would be happy to see her come. A world where she didn’t just fit in, she was part of it. All those vacations with my family were nice, but they mostly turned out to be stressful. The vacation to Croatia was so bad that my mom wanted to take me home early and go back to spend the rest of that vacation with her husband and my sister. So yeah, if you only look at all the stuff I had and things I did, I was probably a very happy child. But if you look beyond the surface… not so much. Having a lot of stuff as a child doesn’t mean they feel happy or loved. I always said I didn’t want to buy my kid too much stuff because I don’t want her to become materialistic. I want her to be happy when we buy her a gift, instead of being disappointed because she wanted something else, something bigger. I want to be the mom that spends time with her child(ren). I was really thinking about getting a job but then I realized, I’m home. Yes, this is getting old but being home with my daughter is a privilege. No matter how much stuff I give her, if I’m not there for her emotionally or if I’m not supporting her the way she needs me to then I will fail her. I want to make sure that the stuff she had growing up isn’t what’s stuck in her memory when she thinks about how lucky or happy she was. I had about 200-300 Barbie’s, I only remember 4 that I actually played with. But I also remember that the times I played with them was when I had no one else to play with. I know I can’t change my past but I can do everything I can possibly do to make sure it won’t happen to my children. I have to make sure of that. Having a lot of things does not equal being happy. I child doesn’t know the difference but don’t shove it down their throats like ‘here’s a new toy, stop complaining about how lonely you feel’. Because without it being said, that’s the feeling they will eventually get. Let me know what your thoughts are on this subject in the comments or in an email. Go to my contact page to send me an email. Or talk to me on Twitter/Facebook. The links are in the sidebar. Don’t forget to post your #MyWeeklySpecial! Have a good week! Oh and one more thing… You’re gorgeous inside and out!
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The other day I was talking to somebody about my past. The reason why I’m not able to really move past certain things…
One event in particular. I’ve accepted what happened and I cut ties with every party involved except for one. That’s also the one person I’m unable to forgive. I like to say that I have but whenever this topic arises, I get angry and I always end up crying. Not because of what happened. Not because of the person who was to blame for what happened but because of that one person who stood there and watched. I can’t help but think about what I would’ve done or what I would’ve tried to do if I was that person who saw what was going on. I can think of 20 things that person could have done. I’m not saying that this person did nothing. They did. But when you see that that one thing you do doesn’t have any results… you try something else, right? Or maybe that’s just me. Even writing about this… Why can’t I just forgive this person? Why can’t I just accept that what they did was all they might have been capable of at the time? Or that maybe they just felt like they were doing enough? I’ve forgiven everyone except one. I want to forgive this person too. I really do, but I don’t know how. Maybe I also feel like they don’t really deserve to be forgiven, but that’s not fair. They also deserve to be forgiven. It’s not easy and I really don’t know how I’m supposed to start but I know I’ll get there. I have to forgive them for myself. They probably don’t even know that I haven’t forgiven them yet. It only affects me. Are you having a hard time forgiving somebody? Or have you been in a similar situation in the past? Please, share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. Or email me by filling in the form on my contact page. Or talk to me on social media – links in the sidebar. I’m a work in progress, as I should be! Another week has passed and I’m still trying to make a decision. It’s something that has been keeping me busy for the last few weeks. Actually, for over a year. But something came up which made me lose sleep over it again.
I could just keep worrying about the fact that I haven’t made a decision yet, or I could just calm down first. Take a moment to gather myself and my thoughts before I make a decision based on my feelings, in particular… based on how hurt I am. So I’m trying, no. I’ve decided to put the real decision making on hold until I am no longer hurt like I am now. I’d hate myself if I stop hurting and I regret the decision I made while I was still in this fragile state of mind. The worst thing about being hurt right now is that I can be OK for a while and even feel good for a little bit and then… all of the sudden, out of nowhere I’ll feel down and even a little bit depressed. I’m really trying to stay focused on all the good things during the day but whenever my daughter is acting up (most likely because I’m not feeling great) I feel myself fighting tears and wanting to give up on trying and just throw in the towel. And at night when I’m alone with my thoughts I catch myself praying for strength instead of answers. Maybe because I’m not ready to hear or find the answers. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what I’m doing or trying to do. I know that I will regret any decision I make if I do it now because I’m not in a place where I can look at all the pro’s and con’s and be honest with myself about it. If I take a little bit more time to get over the hurt I will be able to sit down and make a list (on paper of in my head) with all the good and bad of both situations. THEN I’ll be able to make a decision based on something else than just my feelings. Everybody deals with their pain in different ways. Some need to make a decision immediately and feel great once they did. I wish that was me. But wishing is a waste of time. I need to work with what I’ve got… who I am. You know, working these things out is as far away from fun as can be but I know that one day, if I’ll run into a situation like this, I will thank my younger self for doing this now instead of running from it. So I want to figure this out, even if it’s something I’d rather not do for 10 more years. So for now… I wait. I let myself heal from the pain and once that wound has closed I will take the time to make this decision. I keep praying for strength because I know I’ll need a lot of that to make a decision and to stand behind it. Please, share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. Or email me by filling in the form on my contact page. Or talk to me on social media – links in the sidebar. I’m a work in progress and I’m ok with that! Trust is a difficult thing…
After all that has happened, how can I give my heart to someone else without being in constant fear that they will break my heart as well? ‘well, all you can do is have faith in that person’. But how? I don’t think my heart can recover from any more heartache. I gave my boyfriend my everything. I showed him every side of me. My genuine smile, my tears and I showed him all my scars. I showed him more than I’ve showed anyone else in my life. But all of that makes me ever more scared to get hurt. He holds my heart in his hands and it is in his control if I do or do not get hurt. I wish I had control over it. I just have to have faith in him. I just have to trust that he’ll never do anything to hurt me. But with everything that has happened to me by the hands of the ones who claimed to love me… How can I ever have faith in someone who is holding my heart? How can I ever have faith in the one who only has to ‘make a fist’, to break my heart? I’d like to say that I’m over my past. That I moved on. But when it comes to this, I know I’m not really over it. I’m still too insecure. My heart is very fragile. My whole being depends on the strength of my heart but if my heart is broken, what is there for me to fall back on? I’m scared. What is this feeling will never go away? What if I’ll always be scared that the one I love will show me to be the same as the people who did me wrong in the past? Should I just give up on love? Give up on caring? I told you last week, I feel numb. I do. My heart is locked up in a cage. It’s hard to breathe sometimes and it’s far from comfortable. I’m scared to get hurt. I want to stop being so scared but I don’t know how. And what if I do get hurt? How many times can I forgive before it makes me the fool? Do I keep forgiving because I believe they deserve it? Or because I don’t want to admit that this person turned out not to be what I expected? I thought I had it all figured out… ‘How not to get hurt’… but I don’t. I can shield my heart and keep my walls up but that would backfire anyways. I think you’re always putting yourself in a vulnerable position when you give in to love… but I also think that it is the most satisfying feeling if you and yours can find each other and grow strong together in the process. It’s easy to say you need to find ‘the one’ in order for you to have the best kind of love. I believe you have to find that love inside yourself first before you can give it to somebody else. You’ll have to know what you want and are willing to accept. If you figured that out it’s easier (not easy! Easi-errrrr) to stop someone who isn’t good for you. It will make it easier for you to recognize the red flags early on. If you just want to find the one… it’ll come with a lot more heartache and headache. Right now, I’m too scared. I don’t know what I want and what I’m willing to accept. I need to sit myself down and seriously think about that because it’s very important if I don’t ever want to get hurt again. (What is unlikely but a girl can dream) Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments. Or talk to me on social media – Links in the comments. Or send me an email by going to my contact page. I’m a work in progress… just like everyone else. |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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