If I’m honest with myself I know that writing this blog every week is just a little too much right now.
I have reminders and alarms and still, I end up stressed every week because I don’t know what to write about. There is a lot going on and it takes a lot of time and energy to deal with those things. I created so many projects for myself and honestly, sometimes I regret most of them, just because they take up so much of my time. As for this blog... when I started I had a purpose. Right now I write because I have to. A little while ago I said I wasn’t giving up and I’m not. But I am taking a break. I need to get back to myself and I need to find my reason again. Why did I want to write? What happened to me when I wrote? What needs to happen when I write? Because honestly... not much is happening anymore when I’m writing my entries. I promised myself that I wouldn’t write out of obligation. I used to write because there was no way for me to live if I didn’t. That’s still somewhat true, because looking at the story I’ve been writing... I’ve been writing page after page after page like it’s nothing. I dream about the story and the story plays in my head all day long. I wouldn’t know what to do if I couldn’t write but when it comes to my blog... it’s the opposite. I’m not writing a week in advance anymore. It’s been months since I had 2 entries or more ready for the following weeks and kept writing until I had so many unpublished entries that it was starting to get ridiculous. I want that feeling back! When I wrote so much that I had to go back and take some of it out because it was getting way to long. As long as I don’t feel like I HAVE to say something, I won’t speak. Maybe I just need to finish the projects I’m working on now and get rid of the clouds in my sky. Maybe that will be enough for me to get back to where I started. So for now... I need to turn those alarms and reminders off. As soon as I found my will back, I will be back! 😉
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I am the best at worrying about what could happen or what could go wrong. But I know that in the end, everything will be alright. So if I know that... why do I worry so much?
I have a trip coming up and all I've been doing is thinking about all the things I have to take care of after I get home... why? I have no idea. I haven't even been focused on my trip as much as I would like to be. But I decided that I will not let my worrying ruin the days before my trip. Each day is enough for that day. There will be new things to deal with tomorrow but I can't even do anything about tomorrow ... so ... why worry? There is no good reason to stress about the future, near or far. There's also no good reason to stress about the past. Focus on today, that's enough for today! It really is. I'm still working on letting go of that worry but every day that I don't worry about the future, I won! It's a daily battle and I'm not counting the days that I did worry about the next day... I'm counting the days that I didn't. Don't forget that you shouldn't be too hard on yourself. I know that it's easy to be so hard on yourself but you don't have to be. You're growing each day and that alone deserves acknowledgement. Don't worry about where you want to go. Worry about how to get there. ♥️ I know I've been skipping a lot of weeks lately. My head is so full that I can't make sense of any of it anymore. I'm doing everything in my power to keep my head up and keep from drowning but it's hard. It takes so much energy to keep swimming... not to mention having to stay positive about it all.
But I'm not giving up. Never have and never will. But that doesn't take away that it gets really hard sometimes. My clouds are the darkest grey you can imagine. Every now and then, a few times a day, they let through a little bit of sunshine and I soak up as much as I can but the clouds weigh me down. I'm tired. Like I said and will keep saying, I won't give up. There is too much that I can fight for. But I'm just a little out of breath. I'm taking some time to catch my breath so I can go on and make tomorrow brighter. I'm working on it. The times that I choose not to upload anything is when everything around me is closing in on me. Just pressing 'post' and posting it to social media is too much on those days. So I choose not to. If anything I have learned to be selfish. I have learned to put myself in front of EVERYTHING else! I had to accept that it's ok to be selfish. If I wouldn't... I wouldn't be standing anymore. Be as creative as you can be. There’s no reason not to be. The best thing about it is… Everyone is creative! You just have to allow yourself to “color outside the lines”. In most cases, we have given ourselves a very limited space to let loose in.
But what would happen if we were to break that box and be open to unlimited ways to be creative? Not one person is more creative as the other. Some have just found ways to express their creativity. Some have found ways to turn creativity into a work of art. Some have turned their creativity into a solution that will benefit the human race. Some have invented something crazy like a moving vehicle. Creativity is everywhere. The fact that you’re wearing shoes right now, is because someone got sick of walking barefoot so they created the first version of what we know as shoes. Can you imagine how weird that must’ve sounded back then? “Hey, what if we would cover our feet when we walk?” The thing is that there is no wrong way to be creative! There is no limit. Creativity is in everything around us and we are made with creativity. WE . ARE . CREATIVITY Let loose, forget the term ‘perfect’. I posted a quote on my Instagram. ‘Only when he no longer knows what he is doing does the painter do great things.’ When you try to control it, you limit your creativity. Let loose and be creative. You don’t have to pick up a brush and create Van Gogh’s starry night but you should figure out how you can best express your creativity. What is creativity to you? How do you express it best? Let me know in the comments ;) I express my creativity through writing and painting. I’m currently designing/making my own bullet journal. I sing on top of my lungs and I express myself with my makeup and nails. Think about where you were 5 years ago. What did life look like? Who were your closest friends? Are they still here? The person you were dating, are you still with them? The views you had on life, are they still the same? What did you think your life would look like today? Did it all go how you thought it would?
For me, I was just starting. My life had just begun. I was still moving around to find a permanent place to raise my baby. I thought nothing could go wrong anymore. I thought everything I had been through was enough for at least the next 10 years. Sike! I thought I was happy when I turned 20. I thought life was as good as it was going to get. I settled into a life that I thought was good enough. Now, 5 years later, I realize how naive I was. I thought I needed a man to be happy, I thought I needed a lot of things to be happy. I needed things. Now I see that I needed myself to be happy. I needed to see the best in myself and I needed to accept myself and my life and my baggage and my pile of junk from the past to be happy. That's all I ever needed. Acceptance. I needed to see myself for who I was so I could become who I wanted to be. But look at me now, I've never been happier and I feel so much better than ever before. I'm not as naive as I was years ago. I'm getting stronger by the minute and I can feel that strenght whenever life hits me with something new. I'm growing every minute of every day and it's completely up to me to choose in what direction I grow. I'm looking for my way back to God. I'm studying and I'm working on making Him my guide in life. Why? Because I wasn't so good at figuring life out on my own after all. I'm just trying to make a better life for us in the future. I'm the only one that can do that. But I'm no longer disappointed when things happen differently than I expected. I'm just going with that flow and doing what feels right. Up until now it has worked in my favor. So guess what I'll be doing from now on? Embrace this stage in your life. Embrace the situation your in. Embrace the darkness or the light, whatever it is that's in your sky right now. If you refuse to accept, acknowledge and embrace this moment you will never move on to the next. You are an amazing person and amazing things are waiting to happen but you have to allow yourself to be where you are right now.
If your goal is to... let's say buy a bike you have to make a plan. Save the money and go to the store to get the bike. You'll have to schedule some time in for that and all the thing that come with it. Say you're at the beginning of that process. You just got the idea to buy a new bike. You know you're not just going to have that money magically appear on your bank account so you start thinking and planning. You are accepting where you are right now. Growth isn't any different. Anything you want to accomplish or any goal you set starts with an idea. It becomes a plan and then you start working on realizing that plan. But at every stage you will have to accept that you are where you are. Right now I'm trying to overcome something that I fear. Thinking about it makes me nervous, sweaty and sick to my stomach. I can get angry (which I have) and I can get sad (also guilty) but nothing will make it better. Nothing will change that for me. The moment I accepted that this is the case I started to calm down. I am making a plan. How will I be able to overcome that fear? Better yet, how will I prepare myself to confront my fear? Taking it one step at a time helps me a lot. It has always helped me because there is no other way. You can't do 10 things at a time and expect 10 perfect outcomes. Be where you need to be right now because you are needed right here. If your head is with tomorrow's issue, you won't be able to solve what's on your plate today. The other day I was shopping with a friend and I saw a notebook with a picture of jelly on it and it said 'I turn into jelly when I see you'. Reading that made me miss that feeling, no matter how corny it is. Being so in love that you 'turn into jelly'.
I haven't been that in love in years and thinking about it made me miss it a little. I live for love. I live to love. For some reason I have always focused on the life I wanted with a husband. Still, when I think about my future I see a husband even though I really don't want a man right now. But... what if that idea I created in my head that the love I want is romantic is a lie? When I think about true love I automatically think about love between two people that want to build a future and get married and all that. The truth is that the truest love I've ever felt is for my daughter and I've never been loved harder than the way my daughter loves me. THAT is true love. THAT is unconditional love. No matter what happens or who comes into our lives, my love for her and her love for me will never change. It can only grow even stronger. That's the craziest part. I didn't even know that I could love someone this much and to think that I will love her even more when time goes by... True love comes in many forms. More than we can count. You know why? We were made with love. Our creator, our parents, there was sooooo much love involved while we were created. We grew up looking up to love, so it's natural for us to love and seek love. And I'm sure that everyone will find love in some form. I am loved and the way I am loved makes me emotional. I'm happy that I get to feel this much love and that I get to give so much love. And there's an unlimited amount of love too!! You can't love too much or run out of love, isn't that beautiful?! How often do you say 'I need a break' or 'I need a vacation'? How often do you think about taking a break or taking a vacation... some time off from your day to day life?
It's nothing more than that. Taking time off from your day to day life. It doesn't matter if that is waking up and getting the kids to school, doing stuff around the house and preparing to pick them up so you can bring them to soccer practice and stand there cheering them on in the rain or if it's getting yourself ready to go to a job that you love but is also draining you a little. Or maybe it's school, luckily school hands out free breaks but as soon as school stops... breaks aren't guaranteed. Because of that, you have to make sure that you take time to recharge your battery when you need it most. I've learned that motherhood is a job that continues even when my baby is away from home. I'm either cleaning up after her or I'm "preparing" for her return. My last vacation, which was my first in a couple of years was also the first time I was away from my daughter. It recharged me so much that I feel energized when I think back to it. Thats what you need. Something that gives you so much energy that you can run on that source for so long that by the time it's run out you can take another break. Sometimes that break means a weekend at home with the fam. or maybe one day will be enough. Just make sure that you listen to your body and know when you need to rest because I know that one day, it will be too much and what happens when you can't anymore? Take care of yourself. If you don't, who will? I am made to travel. I am made to see the world and taste all different cultures (literally and figuratively).
I just never got to travel and see the world. Until last summer. My trip to Rome woke something up inside of me. It makes me crave culture. As soon as I came back I started looking for my next destination, knowing that I wanted, or better yet, have to go back to Rome. I went to the ballet last week. I saw the Swan Lake by the Shanghai ballet. I absolutely loved it! I enjoyed every second of it and I hated that it had to come to an end. I already booked my next vacation and I can't wait to go. I enjoy the things that I want to enjoy. I'm feeding my mind and my soul with the things I love. I'm listening to (real) classical music again and it calms me down and it makes me happy. I cook what I crave and I watch the shows that suck me in and have me glued to my TV. I'm planning trips (mostly in my mind 😜) and I can't wait for my baby to be old enough so she can enjoy and appreciate the beauty of everything. I hope that there's enough time for me to see the world. I wish I could make traveling my job because I absolutely love it. Drop me in a city and I will find my way around. If you can... travel. Travel to places you've never been before; places you always dreamed about going; places that you wouldn't ever see if you wouldn't look for them. They have them close by too. I bet that there's some place beautiful not even an hour away from you. You just haven't looked for it. Enjoy the things that make you happy. Find the music you like and take a train cross country just to have some coffee (or anything). Makethe most of your life. Plan ahead. Make a dream board (I have one in my head). Follow your heart! ♥️ A lot has changed and I don't have as much time as I used to have. So I'm making some changes.
I thought about stopping all together but instead of doing that I'm just adjusting and I want to see how far that will take me . From now on I have to post my entry an hour later. Also I'm changing the weekly special. I will not post that one every Thursday anymore. Why? Posting twice a week is taking up more time than I have to spare right now. With all my daughters activities and my own schedule it's hard enough to find time to write my entry. I want to keep putting my heart on these pages but that can't happen if I have to squeeze it in. I've been trying to keep pushing and I tried to make it work but because I was forcing it so much it became less and less fun to write. My heart hasn't been in it and I want to do what I came her to do. Sometimes that means letting go of the idea that you had of how it was supposed to work. Sometimes it means sacrificing one thing to make the other better. That's exactly what I'm doing. When I started Straight Thinking I had plenty of time, more than that. I had too much time. But if I compare my life now with what it was back then... it's more that logical that it's time to change it up. My weekly special will continue to exist. I will still post when I see something... actually it will depend more on the time I have to work on it instead of the special things I see each week. I decided that I'm not done with this yet. So I will do everything I can to make it fit into my schedule. 😉 |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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