I don't think anything in my life was ever easy. But now, all of the sudden things just happen. Good things. I don't carry the past on my shoulders anymore and now, the things that happen are so different from before. When something really good happens, I wonder if it's real.
I wonder if it's going to be taken away from me at some point in the near future. I wonder if the feeling it gives me is extreme, or exaggerated. Being happy scares me. Why, I have asked myself so many times. I believe it's because it's a new feeling. Something I haven't experienced in a way like this. I am scared to go too fast and ruin it for myself. I'm scared that I'll sabotage it. By not believing that this is real... If it isn't, and I wake up tomorrow morning feeling depressed again, well at least let me enjoy this dream. But this isn't a dream. This is my life. I should enjoy it even more. But I'm really scared. I'm not scared to be happy, per se. I'm scared that I've had so much drama that I'll turn this into what I know... more drama. I don't want to look for it or cause it but just imagine, what if that's all I know how to do? You know what, if that happens, I can only try to find a way out of it. But let me try my hardest to stay away from drama. It doesn't bring anything good to your life, my life. I love my life right now. I wouldn't want to go back at all. I'm not even sure where I'm going with this. I think I just had to say it out loud. I'm scared to self sabotage. But I know that I'm strong enough to prevent that from happening. No, I'm not scared to be happy. I'm scared of myself. I'm going to change that! I'll have to. I am the person I need to spend time with. I can't be afraid that I might ruin every good thing that happens to me. Part of me doesn't understand where the fear is coming from because I know that I don't ruin the good things that happen to me. I think it's just because I haven't had too many good things happening so I'm just not sure how to deal with it or react to it. But no matter what happens, I'm going to make it work and I'm going to make sure that I'm not going to be the one who stands in my own way! Please, share your thoughts in the comments or talk to me on twitter /Instagram/Facebook --> links in the sidebar. Or send me an email via the contact page.
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Ok, can we talk? What type of girlfriend are you?
-weird -bipolar -clingy -loves to argue -crazy -crybaby -will set your house on fire -violent -will beat a bitch up -petty queen -jealous -anger issues -and why are pretty and small even on this list? Like being small makes you jealous and being pretty makes you violent. are these the only options? If I'm seeing ANY of these signs in the person I'm interested in dating... I will not date them! And I know for a fact that if the one who's interested in dating me sees any one of these signs in me... They would never date me. Why would anyone, really? Why is this something acceptable? If you fit into category 1, 2, 3 or 4 you need a therapist, not a relationship! This is exactly what's wrong with our generation! We focus so much on the bad! Why does everyone think it's ok to be 'a little bipolar'? IT'S NOT! How about being loving? Loyal? Trustworthy? Caring? Interested in your man's health and peace of mind? How about being supportive? How about the qualities that MATTER?! Why aren't we focusing on that? Why is it so 'cool' to not be sane? It seems like it doesn't matter anymore if your head is on straight or backwards! It's all about the jealousy and the arguments anyway! This is is why relationships don't work anymore. We don't focus on being the best person we can be for ourselves first. If we don't, how can we ever focus on being the best person for the one we love? This is is why our generation 'talks'. Talking to someone makes it easier to leave when things get too crazy. I hate that, to be honest. I am the kind of girl who loves romance and wants to build. I want to make the guy I'm with happy! Just as much as I want to be happy. But these days all (I wanted to say 'we' but I'm not part of this) they seem to want (or want to be) is a crazy bitch (I hate that word though, I have so much to say about everyone who's calling women bitches, but not now). Let's put that on the top of our new years resolutions list! Being a sane adult! Because apparently, too many of our generation aren't. I'm so sick of seeing things like this. Some people actually think it's cool to be a little crazy. It's not. It's not even funny. I'm just happy I'm not one of those people crazy enough to think that fitting into one of those stupid catagories is something you can be proud of. What are your thoughts about this? Please share them in the comments or talk to me on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook. #StraightThinking. - The links are in the sidebar. I'm speechless right now. urgh. I wanted to write a letter to my younger self but what is the point of that? My younger self isn't ever going to read that. But maybe someone else does...
So here is my letter to everyone or anyone who might need it. I know it might seem like I don't know what it's like to be you, which I don't, but I know what it's like to feel like who you are, is never enough. I know what it feels like to always want to change and be like someone else. I know what it's like to wish that you were someone else. I also know what it's like to finally accept yourself. I don't know you and I have no idea what you're going through. But I know that you're not alone. You're not the only one going through this. Whenever I was going through something, I always believed I was the only one in the world going through it. I believed that nobody understood me. So I kept it to myself. Not wanting to seem strange or make people think I was making it up, because to me it felt crazy. Let me tell you, you're not strange in any way for feeling what you're feeling or for going through something. Just understand that you're not alone. Maybe the people around you make you feel like you're alone but we have this great thing called the internet these days where you can connect with others. Where you can share your story and hear from others. I know I felt better about myself and my situation once I found out other people my age were battling depression. I didn't feel so alone anymore. You know, it's important to understand that you have to go through it in order for you to be able to deal with it. But getting through it means that you'll eventually win the battle. Don't give up on yourself. Find your anchor and pull yourself back up. One thing that helped me get through everything that happened was that once I found my anchor, I refused to let go. I hated my life and I hated everything I had to deal with. I got to a point where I was on the edge of giving up. Several times. God pulled me back. I refused to take the life he gave me. I knew that the life I was living wasn't the life I was meant to live. I knew he wanted me to do great things. I'm not saying I've done everything right in His eyes but holding on to not wanting to dissapoint Him like that, kept me from giving up. But that didn't stop me from being depressed. I stopped being depressed after I had decided to change my life. After I decided to become happy. It took a while but once I started to tear down those walls and deal with my pain, my sky started clearing up. The gray sky I had gotten used to started to clear up. I'm getting emotional right now and to be honest, these tears I'm trying to hold back are happy tears, mostly. I've been through so much and I didn't ever believe I was strong enough to get through it. I thought I wouldn't ever find happiness. Never did I expect to turn into such a strong person who became her own anchor. I'm not special. If I can get through all the crazy stuff I've been through, so can everyone else! If I can turn my depressing thoughts who kept me down for years around into motivational thoughts, so can anyone else! Everyone else! All you have to do is tell yourself that you are done being a victim. Tell yourself that you are done being depressed and sad. Tell yourself that you are strong enough! You deserve happiness! You deserve all the good and you need to start seeing yourself for who you are. Not for who you think the world wants you to be. Because there's only one person in this world that can be you, and that's you! Being you is enough! Being yourself will be the best feeling in the world. Being your happy self, will be one of the greatest feelings you'll ever experience! I think I needed this letter too more than I thought. We all just need to realize that we are working on ourselves, for ourselves. There's no better cause. Love yourself, do right by yourself. Grow and become the strong indiviual I know you can be. Believe in yourself! I know I do. Some things have changed in my life over the last few months. I see all of those changes as good changes. Why? Because they're all leading me to a new place in my life... Helping me grow and because of it, I feel happier and stronger. Not that each one of those changes were 'good', at the time they were heartbreaking and messing with my sanity. But now that I've seen how it all plays out... I'm happy that those things changed.
I'm open for what's next. I'm curious to see what my life will be like in 6 months or a year or even further ahead. But I can only view one day at a time. It's so important to keep a positive attitude. A few weeks ago I came across a story from a woman who got fired because she got braids and her boss was a racist who was scared he'd lose customers because of it. She was in shock, of course and who knows what else must've gone through her head. But now, several weeks later she has been offered a bunch of other opportunities. She's finally doing what she loves; what makes her happy. At the time she probably thought it couldn't get any worse... But look at her situation now. It's probably the best thing that could have happened. Her story is just one of many. I bet even you have one (or more) where the worst thing turned out to be one of the best! Make sure you try to keep calm in a situation that makes you want to give up. Because this door might have closed, but you have no idea how many others are ready to open up for you. Keep an open mind. Keep a positive attitude and stay humble! Please share your thoughts in the comments below or send me a email by going to my contact page. Or talk to me on Twitter/Instagram/Facebook. --links in the sidebar. |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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