The other day I was sitting behind the computer and when I was looking at older pictures I saw a few pictures of myself. One thing that I noticed in the pictures was the look on my face. The older the picture is, the more anger you can see in my eyes. The last picture I took was the one with my daughter, the one on my 'About' page. I look happy. No, scratch that. I am happy.
Even when you're not constantly focussed on working on yourself, you grow as a person and life sculpts you every day. We have to realize that we are growing and changing. We're becoming a bigger person. More mature every day. We make mistakes every day but that is only an opportunity to learn and eventually grow. If we put time in reflecting on ourselves, our lives, we will find out that we are either on the right path, or we have to switch lanes. I don't believe that someone can be on the wrong path. The wrong path means you are going in a completely different direction. I think we are just in the wrong lane and if we don't realize that, we will miss our exit and we will have to take a huge detour to get back on the right path. We have to be in the right lane at the exact right time. Because if we don't, we might take an exit that we weren't suppose to take, or we will miss the exit. The exit meaning the time when it's right to change something. To grow past it. If we do stay in the wrong lane to long, we might get in some trouble, get hurt or stumble upon dead ends and we will have to go all the way back to the beginning of the road. But every lane has its lessons. We are all bound to make a mistake here or there. We're human. I had a lot of detours in my life. How come? I didn't listen to my GPS. I thought I knew better. I would figure it out on my own. Eventually I did, but not because I knew better. I got lost. I was confused and I had no idea where to go from where I was. I had no idea how to get back on the main road so I could go some place where I wanted to go. My goal was to make something of my life. To be happy with the choices I make every day. Guess where I am today? One leg on the right path and one leg still in the other lane. The path I need to be on right now is leading me to an exit. My GPS is screaming. I need to switch lanes completely or else I might miss this exit. The lane I was in wasn't always the wrong lane. It was the right lane at the time. But things have changed and it's time that I change with it. If I want to make something of my life and if I want to be happy. Because missing an exit is frustrating. It feels like you can't relax until you're on the right path. You can't follow anyone. You have to rely on your inner GPS that is telling you what to do. Listen to it. I speak out of experience. I missed so many exits, I had so many detours. I am planning on not missing any more for as long as I can possibly think of. You will know when it's time for you to switch lanes. Don't question yourself. If something you are doing doesn't feel right anymore, or it doesn't feel as good as it used to, maybe you should consider looking at the lanes in front of you and take the one that feels best. This is a point where you can't just follow your heart. Think about it. Let your feelings help you and most important, what does your gut tell you? Put those together and you'll find your way. And you know what? If you are honest with yourself, it will make it a lot easier. Trust me. I kept fooling myself and that's why I had to take so many detours. But don't worry, even if you miss an exit or two. Maybe even more, stay focussed and be honest with yourself. Keep trying and just keep going. We'll be alright. Did you miss an exit? How did you come to the realization that you were in the wrong lane? What did you learn from it? Please, share in the comments.
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I was a little girl too, once. Even as a little girl I have always had a hard time dealing with my emotions. I played with my barbies when I was really young. That was a way to step into a different world. When I was 6 I started making up stories and when I was 7 I wrote my first story on the computer. The stories got more personal and I started putting my feelings into it. When I was 8 my life turned upside down. My dad went to his parents in California and decided not to come back. I was, like any other girl, a daddy's girl. My daddy was my everything. When he was gone I shut down every emotion I had. I refused to show people how hurt I was. How much I missed him. How much I hated him for leaving me. I stopped writing; stopped playing. My mom had to get another job so me and my sister went to my aunt after school. She spoiled us. We started baking and we would get unhealthy snacks every other day. I used to be really skinny but after a few months I was a chubby 9 year old with glasses and fuzzy hair.
As if it wasn't enough the kids at school started bullying me. I sucked it up and PRETENDED that it didn't hurt me one bit, but I would explode as soon as I got in the car with my mom. I had to let my emotions out. I started eating even more and I got really aggressive. I didn't know how to deal with those things then and I never learned. Pretending I was fine felt good enough. The world outside didn't know how much pain I was in and that was good enough for me, I thought. The outside world was everyone who wasn't my mom. I didn't even let her know how I really felt, she just knew. I was really lost and I tried to forget how I felt. I started writing again and writing became my outlet. I put every thought and feeling there so I didn't have to deal with it in real life. I didn't like life anymore and I tried to find ways out of my own life. I desperately looked for a character who I wanted to be and when I was alone in my room, I wasn't myself, I was that character. When I was 16 I went to visit my dad. I had been there a few times before and I felt comfortable enough to share my feelings with him. I told him how much I hated him when he left. I told him how I really felt. Up to a certain level. I didn't open up completely. I told him how angry I was and I wanted to know how he could ever live with himself knowing he left me and my brother and sister. I wanted to know the question everyone asks when something happens to them. 'Why?'. He had nothing to say but one thing, his relationship with my mother didn't work. That was something I realized long before that moment. I guess I just wanted to hear 'I'm sorry'. You don't choose the things that happen to you. You choose how to deal with them. I chose not to deal with them. That's probably why I'm sitting here looking at my nails every other second. Trying to hold back tears. I'm talking about dealing with emotions but I won't even allow myself to cry about something that hurt me. I'm still trying. Learning how to deal with it. I know exactly how to deal with it, in theory. But how do I apply it to myself? I really don't know. I never felt like I needed to deal with things. I acted my way through situations. I pretended. It still is hard for me not to act. It's something I'm working on on a daily bases. I have to work on it every day, because if I don't I will only make it harder on myself. Dealing with your emotions is the key to a happy future. If you don't, you'll stay in this place. You need to move on. It is something that I need to teach my daughter. I want to show her that it's ok to cry. It's ok to be hurt. We need to be able to talk about those things and find a solution. How are we going to deal with it? No matter how much it hurts right now, we have to get through it. Before I can teach her that, I have to do it myself. Because if I don't, I'll just pretend. Have you been through a similar situation? How did you deal with it at the time and now? Please share in the comments. Hi, thank you for reading my first blogpost. Let me get right to it.
The one word that describes me... Mom. I didn't finish school and I don't have a job. Everything I do is with my daughter. I'm a full time mom. Let me start over. My name is Imara, I'm 22 years old. I'm not sure where I stand in life. I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do next when I found out I was pregnant. I was 19 and I didn't even date the guy. I knew him for 2 months when we had our first doctors appointment. At that point in my life I was nowhere. I had just escaped from one terrible situation and I was definitely not ready to get into any new situation. I didn't need a relationship. I didn't need anything. I just wanted to be left alone for the most of those days. Getting pregnant was the last thing on my mind. Starting family was the last, the absolute last thing on my mind. I wasn't even ready to pick myself up, let alone be ready to pick up a child, become a mom, face reality and become responsible for someone. I know I'm young and I know most of you probably think I am too young to say this but I screwed up most of my life. I messed up a lot. The few opportunities I got, I threw away. I turned my back on everything because I wasn't ready to continue my life. I was happy to still be alive and somewhat healthy. Since I was 8 I've been building walls around me, pushing everyone away. One wall wasn't enough, it didn't seem safe enough. I needed to feel safe and I thought building walls would give me that. I started building so many walls that eventually I was the one who started feeling like a prisoner. You don't notice that you're actually building a wall . You just stack brick by brick until it becomes so high that you can't even look at what's in front of you. You only have what's behind you. It's the only thing that you have. You have those memories of what happened to you, you don't have what is yet to come. You're scared to take a step into the unknown because you're afraid to repeat history. Nothing is worse than fear. Nothing is worse than to be afraid to live; to do something because that's the only thing you want to do; to set your mind to something and just do it. If you're afraid of that, what's left? I've learned in the last few years that it's okay to take things slow. Take down one brick. Breaking down all the walls at once is impossible. You're going to get hurt more than ever. Be patient, take down that one brick. Baby steps. I'm still learning how to walk. I don't know how to take down half of those bricks. But I've come a long way. I used to walk down the street with a look on my face that would scare people. I was always angry. I drowned my feelings with alcohol. I smoked weed and cigarets and I was at the club every Friday. I didn't want to be sober because I didn't want to face reality. Every time someone asked if I was alright, I would build my wall a little higher. I would start stacking bricks without even knowing. I didn't trust anyone. If someone was nice to me, the first thing I was wondering was 'what does this person want for me'. I was suspicious and scared to get hurt. The thing is, I thought that as long as I don't allow feelings, I can't get hurt. I thought as long as I'm strong... I pretend to be strong, people will not even try to mess with me. But the truth is, everybody sees that it's just an act. I only fooled myself. I pretended to be strong. I wasn't sad about anything, life just happened. But eventually so many years had passed that I lost track of who I was. In the years that I was supposed to figure out who I was, I pretended to be someone I was not in stead of finding out what I really was. So here I am, 22 and not sure who I am. I am in a place where I should've been seven years ago. But it's not too late. While I started taking down my walls I found the will to do better. The drive I've lost a long time ago. I want to do something with my life. I may have messed up in the past, but let that be a lesson. I want to do better. Create a life for me and my baby girl. Show her how to be great. Because we are all destined to be at least that. Great! |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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