I can’t count how many times I’ve heard that I had to grow up. Now I started wondering, I tell my daughter that she isn’t a baby anymore and she should behave like a big girl because she is. But she isn’t. She’s just a 2 year old. She’s just a baby. So why do I tell her to behave like a big girl? – Because I don’t have enough patience to sit through her wining sometimes.
Is that the reason they told me to ‘grow up’? Because they were sick of me being a child? Because they didn’t have the patience to let me be a child? Whatever the reason, it’s wrong. I want her to be a baby for as long as she can. I want her to be a big girl for as long as she can and I want her to be a child and a teenager for as long as possible because it’s never coming back. I would hate myself if I were the one who took that away from her. I have not felt my age since I was 14. I lived with my mom, my sister and my mother’s new husband and his son and life was not treating me well. In the third year of their marriage I was forced to move out. I moved to an institution for, at first, 4 days a week. I’d go Monday after school and I would go ‘home’ Friday after school. Every weekend I went ‘home’, the place felt less and less like my home. I was scheduled to stay for a year. So after a few months we agreed that I should go ‘home’ more often. So I went ‘home’ Thursday after school instead of Fridays. That went so well that I ended up not going ‘home’ for the weekends at all. I didn’t want to be there anymore. I chose the institution over the place I was supposed to call my home. I lived with a girl who was cutting herself; one girl who couldn’t deal with her abortion; a girl who was abused; a guy who blacked out every time he’d get mad. He was so sweet but as soon as he got angry he would become so scary. During my time there I tried to figure out why I was there. I wasn’t that damaged. I was angry. I was aggressive because I felt misunderstood and alone. I didn’t feel like I belonged there. Thinking about it now that it’s behind me, I know for a fact that there were other, better options. I went there because I wasn’t welcome at ‘home’. After being there for a year, I didn’t feel like going home anymore. I knew I wasn’t welcome and it got confirmed when I stayed there for 9 more months. I saw a new group of kids coming, while everyone from the group I started in, had left. I stayed for 21 months. After that time they felt that I had grown enough for me to go ‘home’. The situation at ‘home’ got out of control and so did my life. I started hanging out with friends after school as long as possible. I’d take the bus home after 6 because that’s when everyone else left. The first time I went out was the weekend before I turned 17. That’s the day when everything changed. I went with a friend who only cared about going out and meeting guys. I found new ‘friends’ and I got lost. I went out to the club every Friday night. I remember coming home after going out on Thursday night. I opened the front door, drunk and my stepfather just reached for the door to leave for work. He didn’t say a word. I went to my mom’s room to get the charger for my phone and fell, she also didn’t say a word. She just looked at me and turned around. At that point I really felt like they didn’t care. I told them I’d be home the night before. I didn’t want to stay out the whole night and they didn’t even call me to ask me if I’d be coming home. After a few terrible things had happened I got into a fight with my stepfather and I decided to move. I went to my dad. That is a different story which is making me tear up as I’m starting to think about it. It just didn’t go well at all and I moved back to Belgium. Being back in that same house made me miserable. I officially moved out of my mom’s house when I was 18. A month after my birthday. I’m scared. I don’t want to screw up anything else in my life but it feels like that’s the only thing that I’m capable of. I’m a screw up. I screw up everything that’s good in my life. I have a beautiful daughter who I want to give the world to. But I don’t want to give her all the bad things this world has. I’m scared that she will see my insecurities and my troubles and assume that it’s normal. I’m really scared. Nobody ever taught me how to be woman. Nobody taught me how to cook and put a healthy meal on the table for when my man comes home. I didn’t have an example of how a dad is supposed to treat his children. I don’t even know how to make my child my priority but not lose sight of myself. I don’t want my daughter to grow up to see how weak I am. I want to be the mom she would wish for. I want to be the mom she can be proud of. I want to be able to see my daughter grow up to be everything I’m not. I want her to do good in life. I want her to be great. But how am I supposed to set the example for her? Well, I know one thing: I’m going to give it my all to raise her better; to show her how good she can be. I will make sure that when I leave this world, my daughter will not have ever doubted my love for her. If I could make one wish I wouldn’t ask for another chance. I wouldn’t ask for a better relationship with my parents. I wouldn’t change one thing from the past. If I could make one wish I would wish to be happy. That the past could really be the past. That I could find a way to let it all go and be truly happy with who I am today. I want to be happy. Despite of my past. I just want to be happy for a change. What would you wish for? Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments. Or email me -> go to my contact form. You know what, I have a feeling that we’ll be alright. No matter what we’ve been through or going through. ;)
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I’m ready to admit it. I’m unhappy in my day to day life.
My routine, that isn’t really a routine is driving me insane. I feel like I’ve been making bad choice after bad choice for a while now. Remember when I talked about switching lanes? (http://straightthinking.weebly.com/blog/switching-lanes) It’s been a long time since then, but guess what? I didn’t go off at the exit I was supposed to and now I’ve been going on for so long that I don’t know where to find that exit. It’s not just a figure of speech. I mean it. I should have made a different decision back then. Because I decided to let things go on the way they were, things got out of hand. Decisions were made and it put me (read: I put myself) in an even more difficult situation than I was already in. Now, it’s damn near impossible to get out of this situation. I should have just listened to my gut. My GPS was screaming. I turned up the music and drowned that little voice that kept reminding me that I was making a mistake. That was 4 months ago!!! It took me this long to realize that I didn’t take my own advice. I knew then that I had to switch lanes completely. I didn’t and I guess I panicked. Taking that exit can be soooo scary. I know that’s the reason why I didn’t do what I had to do then. I’m scared to start over. I’m scared to do everything all over again. Everything going on in my life right now has at least something to do with the decision I made back then (Yes, not doing anything is a decision too). I know that, but I can’t do anything about it unless I change the source. If the seeds are rotten, there will never grow a healthy tree. I have to replace the seeds, I have to change the thing that is causing me to feel the way I feel. I have to go back to the exit and follow my gut this time. I owe it to myself to find that place where I can be happy again. It’s been a long time since I woke up and felt energetic, happy, and ready to start the day. I can’t fall asleep at night and when I do I wake up in the middle of the night. Some nights I have to get up to go sit on the couch, just to catch my breath. I have nightmares about everything that could possibly go wrong. Most nights I wake up in the middle of the night anyway so I stop dreaming but the other day I woke up in the morning with tears in my eyes and I wished I would’ve woken up earlier. So yeah, it’s safe to say that I’m not happy right now. I put everyone’s feelings before my own. That’s what I do when I don’t want to face reality. I hide. But I want to be happy again. I know what I have to do next, I just don’t know how… yet. Even writing this down right now makes me feel so much better. My cousin just showed me a vine and I laughed, for the first time today (and I’ve been watching vines all morning). I know I’ll be alright. Sooner, not later! I’m going to find my way back to that exit and get off this road that is leading me nowhere. Now I just have to find a way to do it without hurting the hearts around me (I know). I hate to say it, but I told (me) so… Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments. I’m sure that every situation, every problem has its own solution. I wish we were born with a manual, explaining how we should get through our hard times. But reality is that there is no manual. There will never be a manual. So we’ll have to figure things out, probably on our own.
I’m a perfect example of someone who doesn’t know how to deal with the hard parts of life. Instead of dealing with it, I like to hide it and put it away in a box, close it and pretend it doesn’t exist. Doing that makes me sad or even depressed at random moments. I’ve had a couple of rough days last week. I had to pause something I was watching because my eyes started tearing. Out of nowhere and I couldn’t figure out why I was so sad all of the sudden. I was watching something funny. I was sad for a few days, crying at random moments, not being able to smile,… So I decided to find out what it is. To be honest, I don’t have a clue to why I feel like this. But like I talked about 2 weeks ago, ‘I don’t know’ is a nice excuse for us so we don’t have to go after the real reason behind our emotions. When I allow myself to feel, my ‘I don’t know’ turns into a ‘Maybe it’s because of…’. In this case, I think my emotions might be caused by everything that has happened over the past few weeks. Months even. I didn’t work on dealing with the situations and I certainly didn’t try to deal with my emotions. I told myself to suck it up. Not the best strategy. Especially not in the long run. It, being your emotions, will start to eat at you until you really deal with it. Dealing with your emotions in particular is hard. It means that you have to face your fears. Accept your flaws and it means that you can’t make up excuses for it anymore. It’s difficult and most of all scary. But you have to if you want to come out stronger. Not dealing with things will only make you feel helpless, maybe not right away but eventually you’ll have so much weight on your shoulders that you don’t know how to get up in the morning, let alone keep your back straight. Dealing with emotions is difficult. It was difficult yesterday and it will be difficult tomorrow. That doesn’t mean that you should give up. You deserve to deal with your emotions. You deserve that. You owe it to yourself to deal with your emotions so you can grow. How do you deal with your emotions? Do you have a hard time dealing with your emotions? Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments. You can also email me via the contact form or tweet me @uGottaLoveAimee Since I deleted the Facebook App from my phone a week or so before New Year’s, Facebook is no longer important to me.
I used to open the app 50 times a day. And right before I went to bed I would scroll down my timeline AGAIN. So, since I deleted the app, I haven’t really been on Facebook. Now I have a laptop I check in once in a while, just to see a funny video or see what pictures my mom has posted of my daughter. Last time I was on Facebook I saw something, what most of you probably think is normal. A girl I know posted something about her boyfriend. She said that he would be so sweet to her but invited other girls to his house. What do I think about this post? I think she gave the world to much information. Ok, he cheated. That is something you might tell your mom when you break up or your close friends, but post it on Facebook? Share it with everybody and anybody who wants to know your business? I changed my Facebook status from ‘Single’ to ‘in a relationship’ when I was 17. I didn’t even like that it became a message that showed up on everybody’s timeline. After I broke up, I didn’t even change the status. The people I knew, knew I wasn’t dating anymore. But the people I didn’t know, didn’t have to know. What am I trying to say? Some things in life should be private. Yes, sure. Post pictures of your beautiful vacation to the south of France or sure, if you feel the need to, share what you had for dinner last night. But keep certain things to yourself. I felt bad for the girl. Another guy who has cheated on her. I didn’t even know the guy. I hardly know her but if I care enough, I can find out everything about her past relationships. I can find out exactly who is angry at their boyfriend/girlfriend and why. I can find out who had a fight at home. How many years it has been since someone’s goldfish died. I don’t even post my pictures on Facebook anymore. Once in a while I’ll post a picture of me or my daughter on Instagram, which is basically the same thing, but different ( I think ). All that I am trying to explain to you is that I want you to be careful with the things you share. If you like to party and your friend posts a drunk picture of you on there and tags you, you might not get the job you applied for the day before. I’ve noticed that as soon as somebody has relationship problems, or even an argument, it will be on Facebook or twitter before the two of them have sat down to talk. I think it’s a shame. Working things out by thinking about it or asking advice can help a lot. But posting it and sending it out into the world won’t help. Those twitter wars might be hilarious for everyone who reads it but I think it’s ridiculous that people take the time to feel hurt and respond to those tweets and comments. Look at that fight between Amber Rose and Khloe Kardashian. Throwing things at each other on twitter. Two grown women. They couldn’t pick up the phone, call each other and settle this. Nooooo-ooo-oooo. They had to tweet their fight. What does it solve? Nothing! Sharing that your boyfriend/girlfriend cheated on you also doesn’t solve anything. Sharing that you are mad at your boyfriend/girlfriend/whoever won’t solve anything! I think we should all try to keep our personal life what it is… or what it was meant to be... personal. Keep it to ourselves. But unfortunately we live in a time where we need the attention and we have to share it with the world before it matters. Think twice ( or if you have to… more) before you post or tweet something personal. What are your thoughts about this subject? Please share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. Or send me an email: Go to my contact form and fill it in. My daughter is going through a very difficult phase. She used to be so sweet, she’d listen very good and I felt lucky for how easy she made motherhood for me.
That phase is over! Now all she can do is scream, kick, yell. Steal the food from underneath your nose. She won’t listen, no matter how many times I ask. The only thing that works is if I raise my voice or spank her on her diaper. Putting her in the corner won’t even work because she’ll always find something to do. She’ll just sing a song or do a dance. So she makes me mad. Every time I walk into the kitchen she is ‘hungry’. But all she wants to eat is either ice cream or a cookie. When I tell her she can’t have any, she’ll scream and shout. As soon as the mail comes, she runs to the door. She used to bring it to me, now she wants to open the mail. The other day she ripped a very important letter. There’s not one day that she won’t do all the things I tell her not to. This morning I regretted getting angry. I said something that made me tear up. In the heat of the moment, trying to get her to go do her own thing so I could get some work done, I said ‘I’m sick of you!’. She walked away with tears in her eyes and I stood still. I need to choose my words more careful. But I also need to come up with a way (or a few) so I won’t get so angry with her anymore. It’s just a kid. If she were older I could sit down with her and talk to her about what I said and apologize. (Not that it would make it up to her. I just shouldn’t have said it in the first place) "Words cut deeper than knives." It’s true. I have heard a lot of things from people that made scars that still need care and are still healing after years. I don’t want to give anyone such pain. Not an enemy and certainly not my own daughter. That little girl means the world to me. No, without her, there would be no world. So before I say something I might regret… - I want to count to 10, or 100 if I need to. - I want to pray so I can ask God to help me calm down. So He can help me find a way to express how I feel to her, in a way that won’t harm her (or anyone else). And if that doesn’t work, - Walk away. This isn’t just something I want to do when it comes to my daughter. It’s something that I need to do whenever I feel like I might say something without thinking it through. I want to make sure that my words won’t wound anyone. That’s all on me. Nobody holds a shield, if you are out to hurt somebody, your words will do the job. I don’t want that! I never chose my words. I just said the first thing that would come to mind. The things I have said, have hurt people and I will do my very best to make sure it won’t ever happen again. Treat others the way you want to be treated! Please, share your thoughts/experiences in the comments. Or you can send me an email. Go to my contact page and fill in the form. |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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