I feel better! I'm not sure how my mood shifted but I know what I did...
Something that may seem stupid but usually does a lot for me is changing my playlist. I picked a new one and started listening to new songs. I went against my will and went to stores I usually don't go to because of the distance... I went to my mothers house with public transportation even though it took me 1 hour and 33 minutes to get there and back. I dyed my hair... I bet all of those things and the smaller things I did to change up my day changed my mood. I also opened up to someone close to me about everything that happened. I allowed myself to cry and after all the tears were out... I started to feel better. The person I opened up to reminded me that I've been through a lot and that it isn't crazy for me to break down every once in a while. She reminded me of how strong I've been these last few years and of how strong I had to be. Thinking about everything and thinking about how I've handled these situations gave me strength and I started believing in myself again. I'm not saying that I'm on top of the world right now but I've got the strength to keep going. When I told my friend that I wanted to stop feeling two weeks ago, she told me she was scared for me. That alone was a wake up call. To be honest I don't want to stop feeling. I want to feel. I just want to find a way to deal with the pain so it doesn't hurt anymore. I'm confident that I'll find a way! It won't be easy but life isn't easy, if it was I wouldn't even write. There is a lot of change happening in my life right now and now, for the first time I'm looking forward to it. I can't wait for my vacation in June! I was worried about my baby having two weeks off school this month but now I'm even looking forward to that! I have a few things planned and I'm excited about it! I couldn't be happier that I lost that cloud above my head. It was weighing me down in every way possible and I feel so much lighter now that it's gone. The lesson that it taught me is that I should just change things up when I feel down. It worked for me now so why not try it again if this happens again? When you go through a cloudy period in your life, what do you do to make yourself feel better? Please share your thoughts in the comments below or send me an email by going to the contact page. Or talk to me on Facebook, twitter or Instagram - links are in the sidebar. I'm not going to tell you that I hope you have a good day (which I do by the way), I just want to let you know that you're loved. I want you to know that this is just a storm and it will blow over! Don't give up!
0 Comments
Sometimes when I look back at my life it feels like it's all a lie; like I made it all up because how is it possible for all of that to be real?
How is it possible that one person went through so much shit before turning 20? 18 even. How is that possible? Life has been getting a lot harder recently. Not because something happened but because of everything that I thought I dealt with. No I know I dealt with those things and I put it behind me but now there's all this room for new pain. It doesn't so much hurt as it is overwhelming. I struggle with believing that it actually happened. Mostly because I can't imagine feeling what I felt back then. The 4 times a day that I would stand on the train platform, considering if jumping would make everything better. I can't imagine even being so depressed or weighed down by my problems that I'd think about that now. To be honest, I don't know what it is that makes me cry so much these days... yes. I don't know. I'm working on figuring it out but it's too much right now. I want to know but I don't feel like it right now. My head is full. I feel numb at times and I just want to escape. I want to stop feeling this pain. I want to escape but I can't. I feel like I'm being torn apart, trying to keep my head up. I hate how my head is filled with negativity. But the negativity In my life just keeps piling up. I wish all the pain would just go away. My daughter is what keeps me from giving up hope. She is the reason that I smile each day, through everything. My babygirl, my heart beats for and because of her. I just want to be happy... I'm not giving up! I have to much to keep fighting for. I just wish my fight wasn't as hard... My life has been a rollercoaster these last few months. My emotions have taken over and I can't figure out where I should start to take that control back. For a while it didn't bother me but I'm tired of letting my emotions run my life. I'm just tired. I don't really feel like doing anything right now. I'm laying in bed and it's a little past noon (Ok, I'm also sick but that's besides the point)!
My house is a mess, it'll probably only take me less 30 minutes per room but it's hard to see where I should begin. My head is tired. My body is empty. I feel empty. All I ever do is keep my head up, trying to keep the sadness or pain out. I've been fighting some feelings for so long that when I saw someone yesterday I instantly started crying. Just seeing that face, even though that was the last person I wanted to talk to! My emotions took over and I had no say in the matter. I'm tired. I wish I could just turn it off for 24 hours and sleep (it being life and emotions and feelings and... me). I wish I could just reset my mind and start with a fresh pair of eyes and see these situations for what they are. There's something big about to happen which takes a lot of planning and which will cost me a lot of money. I know it will be worth it but right now, I hate the idea. All the things I have to do for it don't seem worth it. I know they are but what I feel and what I know are fighting again... again! I don't have anything to make this positive, that's not me. But that is how tired I am. Maybe I just need some serious sleep. Now that I think of it, that probably won't work because I've been having the craziest dreams. Some stranger tried to touch my hair in my dream and I got so mad... for what? I wouldn't ever get mad at that. Probably. Anyway... my emotions have taken over. I guess I'll let you know when I know how to turn this back around 😉 So I was thinking... if we should surround ourselves with people who contribute to our happiness, we should always make sure that we contribute to the happiness of the people around us!
Sometimes we are so focused on what WE need but we can't forget to make sure that we are everything we want them to be for us... for them! Listen to your friends and give them advice when needed; shut up when needed. Don't be the person who only takes from others but never gives anything back. Any and all relationships are a two way street and you have to make sure that you shape yourself enough to be the best person you can be for you and for them. Being there for them doesn't mean that you always have to put yourself aside to please them. But being a good friend means knowing when to put yourself aside to be who they need you to be. What do you want your friends to do for you? Are you willing to do the same for them? Don't be selfish, treat others the way you want to be treated! If everyone would do that... there would be no war but sadly we can't make people be good people. But we can influence others by showing them our best behavior. Lead by example. Your friendships will become better when you put more effort into them and they will automatically put in more effort if they see you doing everything you can for them! Be what you want from others! |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
|