We tend to hold on to our hate or anger but what if we'd forgive? What if we would forgive the ones that hurt us (repeatedly)?
I think we'd be much happier. We don't hurt the ones we hate. We hurt ourselves by hating them or being angry with them. We just have to forgive. Which isn't as easy as saying it. I know that. But it's what is best for YOU. You don't have to care about them. You just have to stop letting it hurt you! Because hate (or being angry) doesn't just happen because you don't like that person. Something happened. You (and the rest of the world) have to figure out why you're mad and what it is that you have a hard time letting go of. As soon as you know... LET. IT. GO! It's for your own good. Forgiveness is more important for yourself and your own health than it is for anyone else in the world. So do it for yourself. I saw a quote yesterday, it said 'Jesus died for your ex too'. I laughed at first and then I started to think about it. He did. Jesus died for everyone. Including the people who did us wrong. Including the people who crushed you. Just because someone is/was a #%*$ (fill it in yourself) to you doesn't make them any less worthy of life. I know I wished someone would just die or get stamped on the way they did to me but what would that have solved if I couldn't forgive? Then they'd be hurt or dead and I'd still be mad. What's the point? Of course, forgiving is never just easy. But it shows who you are as a person. Don't forgive them because you have to. Forgive them because you want to move on with your life and grow past it. It's the least you deserve!
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How many times this week did you stop to look at all that's good and beautiful in your life? Do you enjoy the life you live?
I must say that I do. I try to look at the good of my day at the end of each day. Why? Simply because I realize that if I don't, I'll focus on all that's bad and I don't want to take that joy away from myself. Every night, before bed, my baby and I talk about everything that happened and what we're grateful for. I have plenty to be grateful for, I always had but I couldn't see it because I was so focused on the clouds above my head. Don't let the clouds steal your joy, they're not worth it! I've been working hard to get back on my feet and I'm doing my best to create something where I can fall back on that'll give me my joy back, if I ever lose sight of it again. I have all the ingredients to be happy. It's up to me to make it happen. There are exceptions but I honestly believe that we are in complete control of how happy we are. All we have to LEARN is to control our mind instead of letting our mind control us. It won't ever be easy but if you teach yourself to look past the clouds... you're getting pretty far. Right now I'm trying to focus on my home and my Family. My daughter is everything and she needs my full attention. All else doesn't really matter right now. It's us and our beautiful future. But it's up to me to make it beautiful, or teach her how to see the beautiful in all sorts of situations! so guess what my biggest goal is? Making sure that my baby girl grows up to become a happy woman. There's nothing in the world that could make me happier than to see her happy. It's the end of the summer so the beginning of the new school year. Not that I go to school... but my baby does.
Getting ready and preparing for today gave me a boost. I feel good! Being by myself felt good, I got a lot of sleep and... did nothing. But waking up and getting myself ready gave me the energy to do more. I didn't need to sit down to give myself some time to wake up this morning. I think that having a goal or setting one is what I should've done all along. Not having to do anything is numbing. I have an appointment to braid someone's hair today and I have a full day planned tomorrow. Each night, I go over the things I have planned the next day. It helps me wake up with a purpose. In this school year I am challenging myself to learn 2 new things. Simply because I need to keep challenging my mind. I learn quick and I want to do something with my mind rather than just numbing it by watching tv show after tv show. So no new year resolutions... but new school year resolutions 😜 I'm going to keep training my mind and each thing I do will inspire my baby girl too. So it's a major win-win! I got this! I know it! Is it Monday already? My daughter has been away for a whole week. I saw her twice and I had something to do everyday except for yesterday. I thought I could do nothing for a whole week. Turns out, I can't. The first day where I didn't have anything I had to do and I decide to hang curtains, dig out my old computer and unpack another box because I "needed" that one notebook (which I didn't find).
So it turns out that I don't want to do nothing. I need to do something. Now that I finally hung my curtains and got rid of those newspapers (about time!!!) I can actually look into my front yard and now I see that jungle in front of my house and I know that if I had the right tools I'd probably do something about that too. I have to admit, I'm enjoying the silence. Not for too long because after a little while I turn the tv or radio on. But the fact that I don't have to get up early in the morning and I don't have to get breakfast, lunch and dinner ready at certain times feels good. I am relaxing and it took me a few days but I'm starting to feel calm. I do realize that everything will go back to normal next week. My baby has to start school next Monday so it'll be back to waking up at 6.30 and we'll have a tight schedule so I am trying to prepare for that, as much as I can. But as for right now, I'm making the most of this minute so I can make the most of the next when it comes. I've decided to try something new. I'm going to challenge myself to learn something completely new. Something I haven't tried before but I have thought about it in the past.
Rather than just getting through the day I am going to invest (my time and money) in my future. Why? Because I'm looking at my life and I don't want to be where i am now, in 5 years. Not even in two years, if I'm really honest. So I'm going to change that. That's the only option I have. If I want to live a 'different' life in a few years... then I'll have to work on it today. I'm a fast learner and I love to study! I always have so why I never picked it up is a mystery to me but that doesn't even really matters. It matters that I'm going to start again. I also have to acknowledge that I need to listen to my body and take a break whenever it's required. Not taking breaks isn't good for anyone... I just want something better. I want to show my baby that I'm not giving up. I'm going to show her that no matter what, there's always a way to keep going. There's always a way, as long as you keep looking for one. And I think I found my way. I think I finally found that one thing that I am meant to do. I don't believe that this is the only thing I'm meant to do but this is one of the things I was meant to do and I am going to find out if my heart is in it so I can enjoy doing it too. I've spend the majority of my time this past week on trying to figure out what to write about. Normally something would just come up to me and I'd write but it's been a while since it just came to me.
Writing has become a task. I've even thought about taking a break from writing but I don't know it if will help. Sometimes you just got to push through, right? As soon as I handed over the keys to my old apartment I could feel my body shutting off. I've pushed myself to the very limit and then I just collapsed. I took a few days "off". I didn't unpack any bags. I didn't open any boxes. I just existed. I need to give myself a peptalk before I can drag myself to the shower. I live around the corner from the store but I asked someone who was coming over if they could bring me some milk because I was literally too tired to get up. I just told my baby girl that we're going to buy some new flowers because th ones we have now are pretty much dead and now I'm sitting here regretting that I ever said anything. All I do is complain these last few weeks, or has it been months? It feels like years. But that's not why I write. I don't want to write about all that sucks in my life right now. I want to write about the things that don't suck, the things that give me energy but since I don't have a lot that's giving me energy... why bother writing? I don't want to stop. I want to keep going and do what I came here to do... but I've lost track of that goal. I'm just writing so I don't quit. Ok this has to change. I'm going to push myself to do more so I have more energy sources and more to write about. I'm done sitting around and hearing myself complain. If I'm sick of my own complaining I'm scared to ask how sick you must be. One thing I know. I'm not giving up. Why? Because I know why I started. I'm not done yet! In every situation is a lesson. That's what I've learned a few days ago.
I'm over the moon that I was able to get this house and it is perfect (not really but it is)! But a lot has happened. Everyone except one of my friends who said they'd help me move into this apartment cancelled or just didn't show up. People who were driving me crazy with all of their ideas for the house and the backyard. You don't even want to know how many pictures I recieved on Pinterest! It were the people I least expected that showed up. One of them I stopped talking to months ago. Someone called them to let them know I was moving and they just offered to come and help. I had 10 days to move. 6 days of which I needed to make this house decent so we could move in and 4 days to empty my other apartment and clean it. Well... if we ever move again I'll make sure I have at least a month because this was hell. Me and my mother did everything by ourselves those first days while my daughter was running around. There's a lot to complain about. I'm absolutely exhausted and I don't know if I'll be able to get up from this chair after I'm done writing that's how much my muscles hurt. BUT... I have a beautiful new apartment. The lesson that I learned the last few days is that no matter how much goes wrong, no matter how many people cancelled, no matter how much junk I have piled up in my backyard... at least I have a backyard now. There's one stairs in between my old and my new apartment and I walked up that stairs 87 times in the three days that I was moving my stuff down. But today is the last time that I'll have to walk up those stairs to get to my front door. I've learned that I have to look at the good. All the kids in the street were playing in our jungle of a backyard and my baby girl was so proud because everyone was playing at her house (It's a mess but the kids can play and throw with the dirt and they're having so much fun). We have been here for almost 4 years but this is the first time I feel at home in this street. There's so much good in my life and for some reason I keep focussing the clouds and the rain, like there's no sun at all. But I'm working on changing that. There was a time when I could ignore the clouds and enjoy the rain. I want to go back to that. So I will. There are no words to explain how good it feels to be working on fixing up my new apartment! I'm so excited and every hour that passes makes the whole apartment look better. A little paint here and there does wonders.
My whole body aches, even my toes... don't ask me how I managed to do that but it's worth it. Today is going to be an even busier day because I'm getting furniture delivered and I'm breaking down the build-in closet and building a new wall. I have my work cut out for me but I know that next week this house will be transformed into a little palace. The excitment makes me feel so much better! I sleep a lot but I also do a lot. My head doesn't stop thinking about new ideas, that's how I woke up with the idea of putting wallpaper on the inside of my baby girls door instead of having a white door in a green room (no it's not Kermit green. I'm working with different colors and it's going to be beautiful!!). For the first time in my life (except for the one time i got to choose pink wallpaper with hearts when I was 8) I have the opportunity to do what I want in my house. I can make my daughters room epic. I chose the floors that I wanted. I chose what I wanted. I've always settled and the apartment I've been living in for the last three years wasn't worth fixing up because I knew I wanted to move away from here eventually. And look at my life now. I found a apartment that's big enough for the both of us. We have a huge backyard that I can do with whatever I want. I even have my own driveway... all I need now is my license 😂 I'm slowly getting to where I want to be. I'm slowly accepting my life as it is. It was a weird moment when I found out I could get this new place. I remember sitting on my balcony and I prayed for God to help me. I asked him to either help me find a place that I could make my home or help me accept that this is our home so I could fix it up and make it look and feel like home. That's when I started to accept this place and I even started looking for paint. Not even a week after I went to look for paint I got the news that this apartment was coming back on the market. I called and I was first in line to get it. I had just rearranged all my furniture in the living room and I had bought a painting and two new chairs. A new dining table... The more I allow God to take control and the more I follow his lead I can see my life changing for the better. I had my vacation planned in June and I have a weekend away planned with my girl in August and all of the sudden I need to move in July. 😱 I felt so overwhelmed because I didn't know how I was going to do it (to be honest, I still don't know how I'll ever finish all that I have to do within A WEEK!!?!?!! But I'm not worried anymore. It'll be fine. I'm doing as much as I can every day and that's all I can do. I still feel the same as a few weeks ago but now I just don't have the time to stress about stress. Right now I have enough to deal with... making my new house look and feel like home. It's official!! I'm moving! I get the keys to the new place by the end of the week. I'm excited (she said without showing the tiniest bit of emotion).
I am excited. I'm happy that it's finally here because I signed the papers in the beginning of May! A lot of my excitement has disappeared already. But I can't wait for the end of the week. I already bought the floor and I bought new chairs for my dining table. I'm still not sure what to do with my walls but I might just leave it all white. My next focus is new curtains and slowly I'm starting to see what it will look like. I never changed anything about my current apartment because I knew I didn't want to stay here. So I'm excited because this will be the home we'll stay in. That's not it. I'm also excited about moving because this is just one step closer to the stability I want and need for us. So much has happened during my baby's short little life and she deserves peace. So let our home be the base for that. The place she can always come back to and the place that's safest. From there we'll build our life the way we want it. It's time for me to give her (and myself) the life she deserves. She deserves so much more than what I've been able to give and build for her. But that's all going to change. We're leaving this house with all of the bad memories. We're starting over. I know that moving isn't a guaranteed new start but in this case it is. I'm leaving the house of my past relationship behind and that is also something big. I'm not taking much of the furniture we had back then. I already replaced a lot. I even sold the bed. Moving is just a part of my process to move on and heal. I'm aware that it will take a lot more than just a new address but I know that this is a good start. So... I just spend the last week in Rome. I walked and walked and walked. My feet still hurt three days later but it was totally worth it! I saw so many things in such a short period.
Rome was on top my list of places I wanted to see. It still is. I want to go back! I knew that a change of scenery would be good for me. I knew that because the time I spend at my moms house helped me too. I booked this trip about 5 months ago so I knew it was coming but it couldn't have been timed better. Coming back was a great part of the vacation too because I WANTED to go home. I missed my babygirl and I was ready to be home. Even though I could've stayed in Rome for another week if I had my baby with me. I feel recharged. I feel great to be honest. It does kinda scare me because what if this is just what's left over from the trip and there's a limit to this feeling? What if I collapse next week? What if...? What if? Well... that's something to figure out IF it happens. It's not guaranteed that I'll feel like I did before I left. Right now, this is all that matters. I'm enjoying this. Today I feel great. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll find out how I feel tomorrow but I refuse to worry today about how I might feel tomorrow. I'm not worrying anymore (I'm trying really hard!). I want to be happy and if I won't stop worrying that it doesn't matter how I feel today. I'm loving life again. I wake up ready to get the day started. I like who I see in the mirror (probably because of the tan 😜). This is how I want to feel. I'm going to make the most of each and every day because even this feeling isn't guaranteed. But right now it's here so what else to do than enjoy it? It all comes down to right now. Yesterday doesn't matter. Tomorrow can't matter yet. It shouldn't. Right now. I need to enjoy right now. |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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