And so a new chapter of my life begins...
Everything I have been trying to prepare myself for, for months now is over within moments. The end of a chapter; a heartbreaking one at that. So here I am, beginning a new one, where I am in total control. So what am I going to do with this? Go with the flow and see wherever life takes me or am I finally going to take full control and steer my life in the direction I want to go? Of course my answer isn't just to end up wherever, but am I strong enough to guide myself towards what I want? I am strong enough, but what is it exactly that I want? Maybe that's what I'm supposed to be doing right now. Maybe I'm supposed to figure that out. I want my happiness back. I'm tired of feeling heartbroken and I'm sick and tired of tears so how about I make my life easier? I'll stop putting myself in situations I know will break my heart at the end. I've been through enough, more than enough. I deserve happiness and that's what my goal is. I'm going to make sure that every decision I make will only add to me being happy. Note: happiness is not a destination, it's a way of life... Who was it that said that? Does it matter? I'm going to find myself and find out what I truly want. I'm going to live for me and my beautiful daughter who needs me to lead the way to a happy life. I'm in control of this next chapter and I'm going to make it epic! I have friends by my side who've become my family, my sisters and they are teaching me things about myself I couldn't see (refused) about myself. I looked in the mirror this afternoon and I saw tears running down my cheeks but I saw something I can't really put in words. But I saw strength. I'm stronger than ever before and I feel great. Now, I'm done focusing on whatever it is that hurt me. I'm going to focus on the future. I'll try my hardest to keep focusing on the future and everything that's yet to come. I'm here, I earned my spot and I'm going to take advantage of each and every day because this moment right here, will never come back. So I'll have to make the most of it.
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Did you know that you're stronger than you think you are? Think about it. Think about all the things you've endured; the things you overcame... You were stronger than all of it. It might not have been easy, but you showed every situation who's boss.
I think we all have a tendancy to underestimate ourselves. But we are strong! We can do so much if we just put our minds to it. We can handle everything that comes on our path, the only thing we have to do, is keep going. Even if we have a moment of weakness and we want to give up, we still got back up and kept going. I think it's amazing how resilient we are. Our whole lives can change in an instant but we manage to make it our own and roll with it. When I found out I was pregnant everything changed within an instant. But I made it work. Each and everyone of us has a (maybe even multiple) stories that prove their resilience and strength. You're still here! After everything you had to go through. You're still here. Do you see how strong you have been? Do you see how strong it made you. I don't think I really understood the phrase 'what doesn't kill you, makes you stronger' until I started to look back at all those moments in my life that I could've given up but didn't. All of those moments made me stronger. All of those moments you were on 'the edge of a cliff' and decided that you were going to make it through, they made you stronger. You = Strength. You are so incredibly strong and you should know that, so when something comes on your path, you can stand tall and say 'I've made it through everything else, I can make it through this!' Please share your thoughts in the comments or send me an email by going to my contact page. You can also talk to me on Twitter, Instagram or Facebook. Just click the link in the sidebar. #StraightThinking. I need to get something off my chest.
After not loving who I was for years I finally opened my eyes to see who I really was. I started to see the real me, not the one I pretended to be for everyone around me. I love this version of myself. As time progresses I keep wondering if this version of me is still a pretended version, but different. I keep wondering if I just lost the 'party-girl' mask and traded it in for something more... adult. I want to be the best version of myself but I don't even know what that means. I guess I'm just scared. Because I want to be this person that I am today. I want to keep getting better and I want to keep growing into the woman I know I'm supposed to become. But am I only trying so hard because I feel like I'm supposed to be that person? Or is that really who I'm meant to be? I must admit, I've gotten so good at pretending that I even had myself fooled for years. I lived my life not caring about a thing. I believed I didn't care. I believed I was happy back then. But I'm very emotional and I was so far gone that pretending to be happy was the only way I wouldn't drown. But knowing how good I was at being someone else back then makes me wonder if I'm just fooling myself now. I don't think I'm pretending to be somebody I'm not. Why? Because it doesn't take a lot of effort to be me. I don't have to think twice before saying something. I'm not trying to be tougher than I am. I'm not trying at all. But somewhere deep down I'm a little scared that I'll go back to pretending when things get hard. I'm always scared to fall back into old habits. I'm still scared that one drink will lead to ten even though I have managed to control myself without trying. I'm ok now. So why do I keep questioning myself? Why do I still feel like I'm about to fail? I'm doing good for myself. I'm living my life and I'm loving myself more than ever. But for some reason I'm still insecure. I guess I'm going to have to work on trusting myself more. I'm going to work on it. I'm going to keep working on myself because... I am still a work in progress. You need to listen to yourself! You need to be aware of the signs. Give yourself the space you need.
My daughter is going through some kind of phase that need to be handled with a lot of patience and even though I don't understand what's going on with her, I just have to accept the tantrums and help her calm down. No matter how much it takes from me, I have to calm her down. But I'm out of patience, at least I was. I didn't have the energy to deal with the screaming and yelling every five minutes. I was doing her hair and before the comb touched her hair, she screamed at the top of her lungs that I was hurting her. It was the last straw. I broke down. Her father, who was planning on taking her to her uncle for the weekend told her she wasn't leaving the house all weekend. That she had to stay home because she couldn't behave (she really couldn't). That scared me and within a second I decided that if they wouldn't go I would go, anywhere. But I knew I needed a day. She ended up behaving and apologizing so they went to her uncles house and I had the house to myself. In my head I planned on cleaning up and I wanted to cook something really nice for myself and I wanted to bake... In reality, I ate a condon blue. And cookies. I pulled a mattress to the living room and spend my whole day on it, in front of my tv. I needed half a day and I was good. I felt recharged and I couldn't wait for my baby to get home. The point is... I ignored all the signs before but I needed a break. I'm planning on making my life easier by listening to my body and by paying attention to those signs. They're there for a reason, you know that. So stop ignoring them and work with them. We're all human and we can't take more that we can take... (Does that make sense?) so stop before you do too much and hurt yourself. I love myself enough to pay attention to those signs. You should too! Please share your thoughts in the comments or send me an email. --> contact page. You can also talk to me on social media. Links are in the sidebar. #StraightThinking. Have a wonderful week! Keep your head up. Your story might not be the happiest or the funniest; most adventurous or filled with crazy love stories, but it's real. It's yours.
You might've done things that you wish you'd never done. You might have met people you wish you could un-meet. But every thing you did, everyone you met, ever thing you've experienced made you to who you are today. Before I started writing this blog I had a hard time owning up to my story. Most of my life was filled with moments, people and actions I wanted to forget or erase from not only my memory but from my life. Now that I've grown into myself, I've learned how to accept my story and own it. Every bad thing I've done has taught me a new way to deal with life and the choices I have to make. Every situation I didn't want to be in has taught me to look for certain red flags before I get stuck in a situation. Every person I met taught me which kind of people I do and do not want in my life. If I would be able to go back in time and undo every wrong in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today. Your past, no matter how much good or bad has happened, it's your past. It's your story. It made you who you are right this second. I decided to use my story to teach myself; to get to know myself. It's nothing to be ashamed of. You made a mistake, maybe a few or maybe a lot. Who hasn't? I know I made a lot of mistakes but I know better now. So those mistakes are now lessons from which I've learned a lot. Everybody has a story and a lot of people will tell you the good version and hide the rest. Not all of it is for everyone to know of course but it's about you accepting your past and moving on, with everything you've learned. Your growth might even inspire others too. Loving yourself means accepting yourself. You can't say you accept yourself but you still can't get over something you did. Let me know what you think in the comments below or on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram. Or send me an email via the contact page. I'd love to hear from you! |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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