I haven’t had a good night sleep in over a week. I know SOMETHING is bothering me but for some reason I’m avoiding the confrontation.
Last night I almost cried. Instead of finding out why I suppressed my tears and looked for distractions. It’s what I do. I close my eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist. I pretend I’m not sad. I pretend I don’t have emotions. Why? Because life is so much easier when you don’t get sad; when you don’t let things get to you. I don’t want to pretend. I want to feel. I wake up in the middle of the night because I’m scared I didn’t put my alarm while I know it’s the last thing I did before I went to sleep. When I wake up I can’t fall asleep for at least 30 minutes. I took a nap the other day and I’d been asleep for at least an hour but I kept turning and my mind wasn’t sleeping. I kept thinking about how uncomfortable I was. How I want a new pillow and how I didn’t like it that my neighbors were talking so loud. When I woke up I felt more tired than before. I wasn’t sure if I even fell asleep but I did. My body felt rested but my head was so full. I’ve been feeling nervous again. Haven’t had that in a long time. Before I got pregnant with Hayley, I had times when I couldn’t even sit still. I would always play with something, a pen or turning my phone around in my hands. I hate it. Something is bothering me. A lot. All I have to do is figure out what it is so I can take care of it. I refuse to let myself look for distraction after distraction in order to get through the day. I refuse to ignore my feelings and I REFUSE to pretend! I don’t want to live a life that isn’t genuine! I want to cry because I feel sad. I want to smile because I’m happy. I don’t want to smile because I don’t want the world to see how sad I am. I’m afraid that it’ll always be a work in progress, but if I let that make me want to give up… I can’t do that. I can’t give up. Ever. Sometimes I wish my life could be easier. No, I wish I was stronger – strong enough to deal with myself, my emotions. Strong enough to be who I want to be. To be honest, I know that I’m getting there. I’m much stronger than I was last year. Next year I’ll be even stronger and before you know it I am where I wanted to be today. By that time I’ll have new goals and it’ll probably feel like I haven’t quite reached that one goal. But someday I’ll read this again and I will know that I became that person. Or that I’m close to being that person. I’m not even worried. It’s just hard sometimes and I think it’s important for us to keep going. To never give up. It’s important to realize that we can’t give up. How can you give up on yourself? How could you ever give up on something you know is amazing? Even though you’re not ready to show it to the world, you know deep down, this is a masterpiece. You are a masterpiece. Even if you have to work on it for a while, it’s already amazing! It will only get better with time! As soon as we get that in our head, it will all be worth it. The tears, the bowls of ice cream, the chocolate, everything you had to do to get past that moment where you wanted to crawl under a rock (or your blanket) and hide from the world, it was all temporary. The genuine smiles will cancel out the tears. Work on your master piece. It’s worth every second you put into it. We’ll be alright. Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments. I really care about what you think! You can also email me -> contact page -> contact form -> send. Or talk to me on twitter @uGottaLoveAimee Let’s show the world our real smile!
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I’ve been looking for answers a lot this year. I wanted to know the answers nobody would ever give me. So, I started looking in different places. It worked. A lot of questions have been answered. Some partially but I don’t feel like I’m completely in the dark, anymore.
Before I got those answers many people told me that I didn’t gain anything by digging in the past and that I should be looking to the future. The thing is, I didn’t know what happened that made certain things end the way they did. So how can I prevent the same outcome? So I kept asking and asking until I got answers. Things fell into place. All those stories that just didn’t add up, finally started to make sense. Why? Because now I know more than just 10% of the story. I think, no I believe that your past is something that will be able to help you move forward. I’m not saying that you should keep looking in that rearview mirror. But if you can’t find a way to get over something that has been troubling you for a while, go back, look what it is that is still affecting you. I grew up believing I had Borderline. Now, I’m not so sure it’s that. All I knew was that my mom had a hard time being pregnant with me because I would kick her really hard when she would put her hand on her stomach. After being born I was really aggressive when she tried to breastfeed me. Growing up I was mean and angry and jealous. That’s what I’ve been told when I asked how I was as a child. So I started asking around. My grandma, my aunt’s. They told me I was a really sweet kid. I cried when I heard that because I always thought I was a terrible child. I also started thinking about everything. My mom had a lot of stress during her pregnancy. That has a huge impact on an unborn child. It is something I was really focused on while pregnant. I wanted to make sure I had as little to no stress. My boyfriend got mad at me for not being stressed one time because we were about to lose our house in the same month as I would give birth. Any normal human being would lose sleep over that. I refused to get stressed because I realized what it could do to that little baby. Conclusion: The stress she had at that time made me so aggressive before I was even born. My daughter had a hard time drinking when she was born. Turns out, her tongue web was stuck to the tip of her tongue. Guess what? I have the same issue. Mine isn’t stuck as far as hers was but I still can’t stick out my tongue. It caused a lot of anger in Hayley. Only after we went to the doctor to get it fixed, she would drink and we could even cuddle while she was drinking. Before that nothing was good enough. Conclusion: I was mad that I couldn’t drink. I wasn’t aggressive for no reason. Growing up, I felt misunderstood. I think that says it all. I was daddy’s little girl and overnight he was gone. So not only did my daddy not come back, I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone because it would just be a waste of breath and energy trying to explain myself… if that doesn’t make a child mad than I don’t know what will. Later on I actually because a terrible teen. I stopped caring and I stopped treating my mom with the respect she deserved because I was mad at her for everything bad that had happened to me. You know, I still feel misunderstood at times. But I’m grown up and I can separate my feelings from the actual situation. I’m not in puberty anymore and I can’t keep blaming everything on ‘daddy issues’. I’m a grown woman. Not just in age. Also mentally. I wanted to dig in my past and the past before I was born because I felt that I needed to know. Now I know, I don’t think it was as important as I thought it was before I knew. But I think it’s good that I know now. I’m still growing and I’m still trying to figure everything out along the way. I think that’s enough for now. As long as I keep trying to better myself, I will be alright. We’re all still a work in progress. You can’t rush a work of art, it needs time! ;) Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments below. Or send me an email – you know how. Orrr talk to me on twitter @uGottaLoveAimee. But you already knew that too, didn’t you? All I remember from the moment my dad left back in 2000, up till last year is that I was unbelievably confused. I didn’t know what to do, think or say because everything I did was misinterpreted and misunderstood.
I remember walking into the kitchen while my mom was cooking and I just wanted to hold her for a second so I gave her a hug. I guess I startled her a little bit but she told me not to do that. From then on I wasn’t as comfortable to hug her. I still don’t like to go up to anyone just to give them a hug. The only person I will hug without asking for a hug is my sister. I even tell my boyfriend that I want a hug. I remember being with my family and everyone was being loud and everyone was laughing, including me. Someone thought it was ok to tell me to calm down. After that, I’ve always felt like I was too loud or too excited. Everything I did felt like it was just a little too much. Those are just two examples. I remember the first time I went to a ‘get together’ with my dad’s side of the family. My grandmother and oldest uncle had just come to California after a while and I happened to be there so I saw my grandmother with 11 of her 12 children with their husbands and wives and all of their children and some of their children. A whole lot of people and a whole lot of kids. I looked around and saw how hectic everything was. People were cooking; others were singing and dancing. Others were laughing and kids were playing and I saw a place where I didn’t stand out. I wasn’t too loud, if anything I was too quiet. But it felt good. A place where people accepted that part of me that I was trying to hide. I even moved to California a little while later. At least, that was the plan. I wanted to stay there but everything that happened made it impossible. I’ve been trying to find a place in this world where I fit in. I just want to live in a place where I won’t stand out anymore. But on the other hand, I don’t want to fit in. I want to be myself. The place I live in won’t change that, I’ll have to do that myself. I won’t just magically change and feel like I can be open because I moved to a different city. I think it’s about accepting yourself. I’ve let other people decide how far I was comfortable to go. But I never accepted the fact that I am an outgoing person. I kept holding on to the thoughts that made me feel ‘too much’. I wasn’t like this. Scared to call someone to babysit so I can go to a restaurant for the first time this year because I’m scared to bother someone. I want to call a friend to babysit and I know, the minute I’ll ask she’ll say yes. Why I am so scared to ask? (I wanted to say I don’t know but I won’t!) I feel like I will bother her and she’ll feel obligated to say yes. But I know she’ll say so if she’s unavailable. So what is the real problem? I guess I’ll have to find out. Please share your thoughts and/or experiences in the comments. I want to know what you think! You can also send me an email by going to the contact page. Or you can talk to me on twitter @uGottaLoveAimee. … but you already knew that, right? My stepmother was here when I started this blog. She was here when it was just an idea. She’s always been there for me, no matter the 9 hour time difference and any other thing that could have come between us. I thank God for her. She is the one who pulled out the person I am today. It started because of her and I will be forever grateful.
All I needed was someone to believe in something I couldn’t even see yet. But I was talking to her and it dawned on me that I’ve changed so much. Three years ago, I was a confused, angry, sad, pregnant girl who didn’t know what to do with her life. Two years ago, I was a confused, angry, sad mother who didn’t know what to do with her life and what to do with that sweet baby girl. 11 months ago, I decided to do something. I was responsible for this little child. Being my angry self, I couldn’t give her the world. I couldn’t show her how good life can be because I didn’t know. I told her that I am running out of topics to write about. But also that I feel light as a feather. Everything I kept hidden inside for all those years became so heavy and now I finally feel like that weight has been lifted. 11 months ago, I opened my eyes and looked for a solution instead of closing my eyes and wishing it away. I told her “I’m so happy now”. It makes me cry. I sitting here with tears in my eyes and I had to take my glasses off. I’m crying because I’m happy. This is what I wanted. To feel that my life mattered. I woke up today, way too early. Instead of turning around and forcing myself back to sleep I sat up and relaxed. I didn’t want to go back to sleep but it was still dark out so I just sat in bed, messing around on my phone. It might not sound like anything special to you but it does to me. Being able to get up and be happy that there’s a new day is rare to me. I’ve been figuring out what to write about for three days. I started writing something completely different and halfway through I changed my topic without even realizing it and the words just kept coming. This is what I had to say. I just didn’t stop to listen to myself yet. I’m glad I did. As soon as I start writing everything on my mind feels organized. The rest of the day it’s a mess but when I write it’s clear. That is when I start realizing things. Not before I open word. It’s when I’ve written half a page that things sink in. I’m happy. Not just that “I feel good today” kind off happy. I’m happy. I really feel so much lighter. I can take on the world right now. The thing that gets to me the most is that I’m able to let things go instead of allowing it to eat at me until I crawl into bed wishing I wouldn’t ever have to come out. I was thinking about what my life would be like if my stepmother hadn’t seen through my walls. Probably the same or worse. It takes one person. She was there when I felt that I had no one who believed in me. I even gave up writing for a few months before I started this blog. Look at me now. I’m writing at least twice or three times week. I focus on the little special things during the day. I changed my life. I changed myself, In 44 weeks. I’m so proud of myself! But... I'm never going to stop working on myself. I'm still a work in progress, just like everyone else. ;) I told you I am writing a book, right? Well, I’m stuck. It’s been like this for a few weeks. I have read it from page one, hoping that by the time I got to the part where I was I would know how to continue.
Didn’t happen the way I had planned. So… I can’t find a way to get inspired enough to get over that bump. I don’t want to erase it because it is an important part of the story, which I think I just made a little too complicated for myself. But I really want to find a way out. I have been feeling inspired to write this last week, especially. It has even crossed my mind to start something new. But that’s exactly what I shouldn’t do right now. I want to finish this story and share it with everyone who wants to read it. I don’t want to be labeled ‘struggling writer’ by the time I’m 40. I don’t want to have multiple unfinished stories on my laptop. Where am I going with this? Let me explain. I never had to finish anything in my life. As soon as I got sick in high school, I just gave up. I stopped trying to go to school after a month or two. When I was young, I didn’t want to go to ballet lessons anymore, so I stopped going. When I was a little older I stopped liking my weekly piano lessons… so guess what? Whenever I got stuck with one of my stories I would just put it aside and start writing something new. You won’t believe how many stories I have started but never finished or tried to finish. Most of them are halfway through and divided over 3 computers, 2 laptops and an iPad. At least, I think that’s it. But this time, I don’t want to give up. I want to keep going, no matter how hard it gets… or is. All of this is bigger than just a story I made up. It’s about finally finishing something. Something I’ve put hours into. No, months. I started writing this story June ’14. I’m too far to give up. Or even to just put it aside for a little bit. No I want to keep going, because I have to. Not for the story, not for anything else like that but for myself. I have to learn how to keep going when things don’t go the way I had planned. In the beginning, these words would just come, I wouldn’t even think about it. I would turn on some music or sit in absolute silence and just write. The kind of writing any other person would get annoyed by because my fingers are racing over my keyboard – kind of writing. But these days, weeks, I can’t seem to get any further. Not one word. Even these entries suffer because of it. I’m so focused on writing my book I can’t think of topics to write about. But I have a good feeling about this. My heart is in everything I write. Time for me to share it with the world. Please, share your thoughts and/or experiences in the comments, Or send me an email -> contact form. You can also talk to me on twitter @uGottaLoveAimee. Remember… I want to know what you think. Your opinion matters! |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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