I haven’t had a good night sleep in over a week. I know SOMETHING is bothering me but for some reason I’m avoiding the confrontation.
Last night I almost cried. Instead of finding out why I suppressed my tears and looked for distractions. It’s what I do. I close my eyes and pretend it doesn’t exist. I pretend I’m not sad. I pretend I don’t have emotions. Why? Because life is so much easier when you don’t get sad; when you don’t let things get to you. I don’t want to pretend. I want to feel. I wake up in the middle of the night because I’m scared I didn’t put my alarm while I know it’s the last thing I did before I went to sleep. When I wake up I can’t fall asleep for at least 30 minutes. I took a nap the other day and I’d been asleep for at least an hour but I kept turning and my mind wasn’t sleeping. I kept thinking about how uncomfortable I was. How I want a new pillow and how I didn’t like it that my neighbors were talking so loud. When I woke up I felt more tired than before. I wasn’t sure if I even fell asleep but I did. My body felt rested but my head was so full. I’ve been feeling nervous again. Haven’t had that in a long time. Before I got pregnant with Hayley, I had times when I couldn’t even sit still. I would always play with something, a pen or turning my phone around in my hands. I hate it. Something is bothering me. A lot. All I have to do is figure out what it is so I can take care of it. I refuse to let myself look for distraction after distraction in order to get through the day. I refuse to ignore my feelings and I REFUSE to pretend! I don’t want to live a life that isn’t genuine! I want to cry because I feel sad. I want to smile because I’m happy. I don’t want to smile because I don’t want the world to see how sad I am. I’m afraid that it’ll always be a work in progress, but if I let that make me want to give up… I can’t do that. I can’t give up. Ever. Sometimes I wish my life could be easier. No, I wish I was stronger – strong enough to deal with myself, my emotions. Strong enough to be who I want to be. To be honest, I know that I’m getting there. I’m much stronger than I was last year. Next year I’ll be even stronger and before you know it I am where I wanted to be today. By that time I’ll have new goals and it’ll probably feel like I haven’t quite reached that one goal. But someday I’ll read this again and I will know that I became that person. Or that I’m close to being that person. I’m not even worried. It’s just hard sometimes and I think it’s important for us to keep going. To never give up. It’s important to realize that we can’t give up. How can you give up on yourself? How could you ever give up on something you know is amazing? Even though you’re not ready to show it to the world, you know deep down, this is a masterpiece. You are a masterpiece. Even if you have to work on it for a while, it’s already amazing! It will only get better with time! As soon as we get that in our head, it will all be worth it. The tears, the bowls of ice cream, the chocolate, everything you had to do to get past that moment where you wanted to crawl under a rock (or your blanket) and hide from the world, it was all temporary. The genuine smiles will cancel out the tears. Work on your master piece. It’s worth every second you put into it. We’ll be alright. Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments. I really care about what you think! You can also email me -> contact page -> contact form -> send. Or talk to me on twitter @uGottaLoveAimee Let’s show the world our real smile!
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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