I’ve been looking for answers a lot this year. I wanted to know the answers nobody would ever give me. So, I started looking in different places. It worked. A lot of questions have been answered. Some partially but I don’t feel like I’m completely in the dark, anymore.
Before I got those answers many people told me that I didn’t gain anything by digging in the past and that I should be looking to the future. The thing is, I didn’t know what happened that made certain things end the way they did. So how can I prevent the same outcome? So I kept asking and asking until I got answers. Things fell into place. All those stories that just didn’t add up, finally started to make sense. Why? Because now I know more than just 10% of the story. I think, no I believe that your past is something that will be able to help you move forward. I’m not saying that you should keep looking in that rearview mirror. But if you can’t find a way to get over something that has been troubling you for a while, go back, look what it is that is still affecting you. I grew up believing I had Borderline. Now, I’m not so sure it’s that. All I knew was that my mom had a hard time being pregnant with me because I would kick her really hard when she would put her hand on her stomach. After being born I was really aggressive when she tried to breastfeed me. Growing up I was mean and angry and jealous. That’s what I’ve been told when I asked how I was as a child. So I started asking around. My grandma, my aunt’s. They told me I was a really sweet kid. I cried when I heard that because I always thought I was a terrible child. I also started thinking about everything. My mom had a lot of stress during her pregnancy. That has a huge impact on an unborn child. It is something I was really focused on while pregnant. I wanted to make sure I had as little to no stress. My boyfriend got mad at me for not being stressed one time because we were about to lose our house in the same month as I would give birth. Any normal human being would lose sleep over that. I refused to get stressed because I realized what it could do to that little baby. Conclusion: The stress she had at that time made me so aggressive before I was even born. My daughter had a hard time drinking when she was born. Turns out, her tongue web was stuck to the tip of her tongue. Guess what? I have the same issue. Mine isn’t stuck as far as hers was but I still can’t stick out my tongue. It caused a lot of anger in Hayley. Only after we went to the doctor to get it fixed, she would drink and we could even cuddle while she was drinking. Before that nothing was good enough. Conclusion: I was mad that I couldn’t drink. I wasn’t aggressive for no reason. Growing up, I felt misunderstood. I think that says it all. I was daddy’s little girl and overnight he was gone. So not only did my daddy not come back, I didn’t feel like I could talk to anyone because it would just be a waste of breath and energy trying to explain myself… if that doesn’t make a child mad than I don’t know what will. Later on I actually because a terrible teen. I stopped caring and I stopped treating my mom with the respect she deserved because I was mad at her for everything bad that had happened to me. You know, I still feel misunderstood at times. But I’m grown up and I can separate my feelings from the actual situation. I’m not in puberty anymore and I can’t keep blaming everything on ‘daddy issues’. I’m a grown woman. Not just in age. Also mentally. I wanted to dig in my past and the past before I was born because I felt that I needed to know. Now I know, I don’t think it was as important as I thought it was before I knew. But I think it’s good that I know now. I’m still growing and I’m still trying to figure everything out along the way. I think that’s enough for now. As long as I keep trying to better myself, I will be alright. We’re all still a work in progress. You can’t rush a work of art, it needs time! ;) Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments below. Or send me an email – you know how. Orrr talk to me on twitter @uGottaLoveAimee. But you already knew that too, didn’t you?
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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