All I remember from the moment my dad left back in 2000, up till last year is that I was unbelievably confused. I didn’t know what to do, think or say because everything I did was misinterpreted and misunderstood.
I remember walking into the kitchen while my mom was cooking and I just wanted to hold her for a second so I gave her a hug. I guess I startled her a little bit but she told me not to do that. From then on I wasn’t as comfortable to hug her. I still don’t like to go up to anyone just to give them a hug. The only person I will hug without asking for a hug is my sister. I even tell my boyfriend that I want a hug. I remember being with my family and everyone was being loud and everyone was laughing, including me. Someone thought it was ok to tell me to calm down. After that, I’ve always felt like I was too loud or too excited. Everything I did felt like it was just a little too much. Those are just two examples. I remember the first time I went to a ‘get together’ with my dad’s side of the family. My grandmother and oldest uncle had just come to California after a while and I happened to be there so I saw my grandmother with 11 of her 12 children with their husbands and wives and all of their children and some of their children. A whole lot of people and a whole lot of kids. I looked around and saw how hectic everything was. People were cooking; others were singing and dancing. Others were laughing and kids were playing and I saw a place where I didn’t stand out. I wasn’t too loud, if anything I was too quiet. But it felt good. A place where people accepted that part of me that I was trying to hide. I even moved to California a little while later. At least, that was the plan. I wanted to stay there but everything that happened made it impossible. I’ve been trying to find a place in this world where I fit in. I just want to live in a place where I won’t stand out anymore. But on the other hand, I don’t want to fit in. I want to be myself. The place I live in won’t change that, I’ll have to do that myself. I won’t just magically change and feel like I can be open because I moved to a different city. I think it’s about accepting yourself. I’ve let other people decide how far I was comfortable to go. But I never accepted the fact that I am an outgoing person. I kept holding on to the thoughts that made me feel ‘too much’. I wasn’t like this. Scared to call someone to babysit so I can go to a restaurant for the first time this year because I’m scared to bother someone. I want to call a friend to babysit and I know, the minute I’ll ask she’ll say yes. Why I am so scared to ask? (I wanted to say I don’t know but I won’t!) I feel like I will bother her and she’ll feel obligated to say yes. But I know she’ll say so if she’s unavailable. So what is the real problem? I guess I’ll have to find out. Please share your thoughts and/or experiences in the comments. I want to know what you think! You can also send me an email by going to the contact page. Or you can talk to me on twitter @uGottaLoveAimee. … but you already knew that, right?
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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