Have you ever had those moments when you sit and you get emotional but you have no clue why? I have them more than I would want. Sometimes I almost start crying and I can't figure out why. Not knowing what is making me so emotional is frustrating. I've had this for years. Not aware of the reasons for my emotions. I think it might have a lot to do with the fact that I still try to hide a lot of emotions and at certain random moments when I don't force my feelings to the background, they just emerge. Either I get mad easily or I start tearing up when my daughter starts dancing in front of the TV.
I hate crying, it makes me feel vulnerable. Showing that much emotion feels like I'm open to get hurt again. When I was pregnant, I didn't allow myself to stress. There were more then enough reasons for me feel stressed but I just let every thing go. I didn't allow myself to be unhappy. Or even sad. But I had a lot of moments when I just wanted to give up. Hiding your emotions is exhausting. Hiding your emotions while 7 months pregnant is exhausting times 10! I kept my emotions to myself because I didn't know the guy who I lived with. I was still getting to know him. We never had the time to find out who the other person was before we moved in together. We didn't have time to fall in love and build a relationship before we started talking about raising a child. I was 19, he was 23. He wanted to go back to school and get another degree. I just wanted to be left alone. Get a job, move to a big city again, build a life for myself. I felt like I got in the way of not only my own, but also his plans for the future. Along the way you start loving each other but for a very long time it felt like he wasn't there because he wanted to make things work between us. It felt like he wanted to stay close because he wanted a part in his daughters life. Even after she was born and we had talked about it, it sometimes still felt like that. I know it's just a feeling that I needed to let go off, but I couldn't. Every time we got into an argument and he would leave, it felt like I was the only one who wanted this relationship to work. I wanted a relationship AND a family with him. My insecurities, mostly the ones about our relationship and what I meant to him we're the main reason why things didn't work out eventually. If I would have showed him how I felt from the start, things would have been different today. But not only in my relationship, in my life. If I would have allowed people to get close to me, I would have a different life. 'I would have'... Yes it's true, if only I had done something different. If only I allowed myself to cry 10 years ago, things would have been different. But it isn't. I can't go back in time to change anything. So I have to figure out how to make the best of the life I live today. I can only grow as a person and make sure that the next time around I'm open and I let others see the real me. Up to this day, there is only one person that can see right through me. There's no point in hiding anything because she knows I'm not telling the truth. It feels liberating to be myself for once. Sometimes I tell her something and she tells me 'This idea is not coming from you.' and it makes me reflect. I want to be myself. Every moment of every day. But to do that, I have to allow myself to feel. I need to allow myself to feel sad. I have to let myself cry. You're not showing someone your emotions because it's better for them to know. You're opening up for your own good. If you live in a house with someone for 10 years and you keep your true feelings to yourself, they won't know the difference. You are the one that is going to drive yourself crazy. To prevent that from happening you'll just shut them out more. Build another wall. You're going to make yourself unhappy. I got so used to hiding my feelings that I still don't know how to be open about certain things. I rather forget than talk about it. That's what I did with a lot of things, but that's a whole other story. You owe it to yourself to be honest about your feelings. You will feel relieved and liberated. Trust me. Is it difficult for you to open up to people? How do you feel when you keep your feelings from someone? How do you feel when you talk about how you really feel? Please let me know in the comments.
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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