Hi, thank you for reading my first blogpost. Let me get right to it.
The one word that describes me... Mom. I didn't finish school and I don't have a job. Everything I do is with my daughter. I'm a full time mom. Let me start over. My name is Imara, I'm 22 years old. I'm not sure where I stand in life. I was still trying to figure out what I wanted to do next when I found out I was pregnant. I was 19 and I didn't even date the guy. I knew him for 2 months when we had our first doctors appointment. At that point in my life I was nowhere. I had just escaped from one terrible situation and I was definitely not ready to get into any new situation. I didn't need a relationship. I didn't need anything. I just wanted to be left alone for the most of those days. Getting pregnant was the last thing on my mind. Starting family was the last, the absolute last thing on my mind. I wasn't even ready to pick myself up, let alone be ready to pick up a child, become a mom, face reality and become responsible for someone. I know I'm young and I know most of you probably think I am too young to say this but I screwed up most of my life. I messed up a lot. The few opportunities I got, I threw away. I turned my back on everything because I wasn't ready to continue my life. I was happy to still be alive and somewhat healthy. Since I was 8 I've been building walls around me, pushing everyone away. One wall wasn't enough, it didn't seem safe enough. I needed to feel safe and I thought building walls would give me that. I started building so many walls that eventually I was the one who started feeling like a prisoner. You don't notice that you're actually building a wall . You just stack brick by brick until it becomes so high that you can't even look at what's in front of you. You only have what's behind you. It's the only thing that you have. You have those memories of what happened to you, you don't have what is yet to come. You're scared to take a step into the unknown because you're afraid to repeat history. Nothing is worse than fear. Nothing is worse than to be afraid to live; to do something because that's the only thing you want to do; to set your mind to something and just do it. If you're afraid of that, what's left? I've learned in the last few years that it's okay to take things slow. Take down one brick. Breaking down all the walls at once is impossible. You're going to get hurt more than ever. Be patient, take down that one brick. Baby steps. I'm still learning how to walk. I don't know how to take down half of those bricks. But I've come a long way. I used to walk down the street with a look on my face that would scare people. I was always angry. I drowned my feelings with alcohol. I smoked weed and cigarets and I was at the club every Friday. I didn't want to be sober because I didn't want to face reality. Every time someone asked if I was alright, I would build my wall a little higher. I would start stacking bricks without even knowing. I didn't trust anyone. If someone was nice to me, the first thing I was wondering was 'what does this person want for me'. I was suspicious and scared to get hurt. The thing is, I thought that as long as I don't allow feelings, I can't get hurt. I thought as long as I'm strong... I pretend to be strong, people will not even try to mess with me. But the truth is, everybody sees that it's just an act. I only fooled myself. I pretended to be strong. I wasn't sad about anything, life just happened. But eventually so many years had passed that I lost track of who I was. In the years that I was supposed to figure out who I was, I pretended to be someone I was not in stead of finding out what I really was. So here I am, 22 and not sure who I am. I am in a place where I should've been seven years ago. But it's not too late. While I started taking down my walls I found the will to do better. The drive I've lost a long time ago. I want to do something with my life. I may have messed up in the past, but let that be a lesson. I want to do better. Create a life for me and my baby girl. Show her how to be great. Because we are all destined to be at least that. Great!
2 Comments
Ivonne
1/18/2015 12:35:17 am
Wow! I'm so impressed and amazed about the way you juggle through life ánd most of all how you can put it into words. Wish you all the best with your Blog
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aurora
2/6/2015 12:38:12 am
It is very good and so true what I read about. Keep up the good work
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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