I was a little girl too, once. Even as a little girl I have always had a hard time dealing with my emotions. I played with my barbies when I was really young. That was a way to step into a different world. When I was 6 I started making up stories and when I was 7 I wrote my first story on the computer. The stories got more personal and I started putting my feelings into it. When I was 8 my life turned upside down. My dad went to his parents in California and decided not to come back. I was, like any other girl, a daddy's girl. My daddy was my everything. When he was gone I shut down every emotion I had. I refused to show people how hurt I was. How much I missed him. How much I hated him for leaving me. I stopped writing; stopped playing. My mom had to get another job so me and my sister went to my aunt after school. She spoiled us. We started baking and we would get unhealthy snacks every other day. I used to be really skinny but after a few months I was a chubby 9 year old with glasses and fuzzy hair.
As if it wasn't enough the kids at school started bullying me. I sucked it up and PRETENDED that it didn't hurt me one bit, but I would explode as soon as I got in the car with my mom. I had to let my emotions out. I started eating even more and I got really aggressive. I didn't know how to deal with those things then and I never learned. Pretending I was fine felt good enough. The world outside didn't know how much pain I was in and that was good enough for me, I thought. The outside world was everyone who wasn't my mom. I didn't even let her know how I really felt, she just knew. I was really lost and I tried to forget how I felt. I started writing again and writing became my outlet. I put every thought and feeling there so I didn't have to deal with it in real life. I didn't like life anymore and I tried to find ways out of my own life. I desperately looked for a character who I wanted to be and when I was alone in my room, I wasn't myself, I was that character. When I was 16 I went to visit my dad. I had been there a few times before and I felt comfortable enough to share my feelings with him. I told him how much I hated him when he left. I told him how I really felt. Up to a certain level. I didn't open up completely. I told him how angry I was and I wanted to know how he could ever live with himself knowing he left me and my brother and sister. I wanted to know the question everyone asks when something happens to them. 'Why?'. He had nothing to say but one thing, his relationship with my mother didn't work. That was something I realized long before that moment. I guess I just wanted to hear 'I'm sorry'. You don't choose the things that happen to you. You choose how to deal with them. I chose not to deal with them. That's probably why I'm sitting here looking at my nails every other second. Trying to hold back tears. I'm talking about dealing with emotions but I won't even allow myself to cry about something that hurt me. I'm still trying. Learning how to deal with it. I know exactly how to deal with it, in theory. But how do I apply it to myself? I really don't know. I never felt like I needed to deal with things. I acted my way through situations. I pretended. It still is hard for me not to act. It's something I'm working on on a daily bases. I have to work on it every day, because if I don't I will only make it harder on myself. Dealing with your emotions is the key to a happy future. If you don't, you'll stay in this place. You need to move on. It is something that I need to teach my daughter. I want to show her that it's ok to cry. It's ok to be hurt. We need to be able to talk about those things and find a solution. How are we going to deal with it? No matter how much it hurts right now, we have to get through it. Before I can teach her that, I have to do it myself. Because if I don't, I'll just pretend. Have you been through a similar situation? How did you deal with it at the time and now? Please share in the comments.
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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