I'm not ready to talk about all the different events that made me who I am. I'm not ready to face the facts. I've been hiding for so long that I don't know how to face those things. As soon as you hide under a big rock it's very hard to come out from under it. The weight of it keeps you down. You stop believing in your own strength and lifting that weight, dealing with it, seems 50 times harder than it actually is. I realize I can't hide for ever and I know I can deal with it if I try... But I don't believe in myself, yet. How am I going to start believing in my own strength? If I do what I've always done, I'll end up in this position again. What I've always done? Act like it's not a big deal. Even though it is.
Ok, let me tell you something that happened that had the second biggest influence on who I am today. I got in a "relationship" with a guy who I thought was really sweet. He listened to me, he would cuddle with me. He would make me sit on his lap, even with his friends around. I moved out when I had just turned 18. I had a great, big apartment and that guy practically moved in with me. It just happened, without talking about it he started leaving his clothes. I remember the day like it was yesterday. The beginning of January 2011. We had 'lived together' for only 2 months. He didn't get what he wanted and he hit me with his fist, what made me fall on the living room floor. He kicked me for, what felt like an hour. He hit my head and thinking about it, I can still hear the sound his fist made against my skull. My leg had swollen so much my 2XL sweatpants felt like an extra small. I felt paralyzed. I didn't hit him back. I couldn't even fight him off. I was powerless, overwhelmed. I remember laying there for I don't know how long. It seemed like hours. Ashamed and scared, I didn't ask for help. It went on for months. A year. 16 months. My mother divorced around that time and moved a hour away. So I moved with her. Away from it all. Thinking back, most of if is a blur. Why? I wasn't sober at the time. I didn't want to be there so I let my mind take me away. Every time he had a reason to be angry I turned from the strong woman who nobody could mess with into this little girl who closed her eyes in the hope to disappear. His words started hurting more than his fists. I did what he asked from me. But if I didn't, I would suffer the consequences. If I didn't want to cook him another meal at 2 am, even though I had to get up at 6, he would drag me out of bed to beat me up. I was scared that he'd kill me at first. But with time I wished he would just kill me already. I was disappointed in him if he'd leave me on the floor and left. The thought of wanting to be dead was constantly on my mind. What if I get run over by a bus? Or what if I fall in front of a train? What if I just drink to much or what if I start a fight with someone? Just kill me already! Time has gone by and since I left in May 2012 to live with my mom and sister, I hadn't seen him. Until last christmas. I was in the city where I used to live. A place where I shouldn't have been in the first place. I was with my sister, my daughter and her father. They ran out to the store while I went ahead to see what time our train back home would leave. There he was. He had the same nasty grin on his face and he pointed his hand to me and made a gun signal. Pretending to shoot me as he walked by. My heart stopped and I didn't say a word until we sat in the train. I hate that he can still make my heart stop and make me feel powerless. But I never dealt with this. I ignored it and hid under that big rock. Crawled up like a baby. Time to change and deal with this situation. I have to be stronger. I don't want to pretend. I want to be. Because my daughter looks up to me. I have to be someone worthy to look up to.
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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