I need to get something off my chest.
After not loving who I was for years I finally opened my eyes to see who I really was. I started to see the real me, not the one I pretended to be for everyone around me. I love this version of myself. As time progresses I keep wondering if this version of me is still a pretended version, but different. I keep wondering if I just lost the 'party-girl' mask and traded it in for something more... adult. I want to be the best version of myself but I don't even know what that means. I guess I'm just scared. Because I want to be this person that I am today. I want to keep getting better and I want to keep growing into the woman I know I'm supposed to become. But am I only trying so hard because I feel like I'm supposed to be that person? Or is that really who I'm meant to be? I must admit, I've gotten so good at pretending that I even had myself fooled for years. I lived my life not caring about a thing. I believed I didn't care. I believed I was happy back then. But I'm very emotional and I was so far gone that pretending to be happy was the only way I wouldn't drown. But knowing how good I was at being someone else back then makes me wonder if I'm just fooling myself now. I don't think I'm pretending to be somebody I'm not. Why? Because it doesn't take a lot of effort to be me. I don't have to think twice before saying something. I'm not trying to be tougher than I am. I'm not trying at all. But somewhere deep down I'm a little scared that I'll go back to pretending when things get hard. I'm always scared to fall back into old habits. I'm still scared that one drink will lead to ten even though I have managed to control myself without trying. I'm ok now. So why do I keep questioning myself? Why do I still feel like I'm about to fail? I'm doing good for myself. I'm living my life and I'm loving myself more than ever. But for some reason I'm still insecure. I guess I'm going to have to work on trusting myself more. I'm going to work on it. I'm going to keep working on myself because... I am still a work in progress.
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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