For some reason I keep expecting people to change. I keep expecting things and situations that have been the same for years and years to change.
It’s only disappointing me so why can’t I just stop hoping for things to get better when I know they probably never will? Something can be terribly unsatisfying and depressing for a very long time, but when I see a change, even if it’s just for a split second; just a little spark of change I will hold on to that and hope it will finally get better. But it never does. I think it has something to do with having a big heart. I like to forgive people. I can only forgive if I also let go of what happened which in most cases means that I have to forget. But the tricky part is… once you forget it’s that much easier to fall for the same thing. With everything in my life lately, my emotions have been going up and down. I’ve been feeling really good about everything at one point but felt down and depressed the day after. Or sometimes even on the same day. This time, I refuse to forget. I already forgave him. That doesn’t mean I’m not still angry or hurt. Does that make any sense? Did I forgive? I don’t know. I thought I did but now… I’m not so sure. I’m still hurt, so much that I will still cry about it. I’m still mad, so much that I still want to scream at him sometimes (a lot of times). There are times when I look at him and I just want to hit him and yell at him and I still wonder what he was thinking. Why he had to hurt me like that. So did I forgive him? I don’t know. I didn’t even want to dig this deep. I was fine with the thought that I had forgiven him for all of this mess. Somehow I just went from expecting change to this. But I think it has a lot to do with each other. Let me just be real with you, He was moving his stuff to his apartment this weekend. When he came back we talked and we laughed and we even watched TV together, we haven’t done that in months. It made me feel good. The thought of not having him around anymore hurts. Because when we broke up I also gave up on my dream of the future that I have been building in my head for the last 4 years. I just started to realize that everything I wanted with him will not happen. As if it wasn’t hard enough, he told me everything I had been waiting for before all of this happened so for some reason I thought there might still be a chance for us to work this out after all. But later he told me that he really didn’t want to leave. That he had been trying to find excuses so he wouldn’t have to leave. It kept me thinking and when I woke up and I saw what it really was. Just that, everything I needed from him was now being used as a way to suck me back in. They weren’t used as a way to keep me happy when it still mattered. I still try to look for a way so I don’t have to close the book on this but I know it’s in my best interest if I do. I will heal from this and eventually I will forgive him, truly forgive him. The pain and the anger will fade but I will do my best not to forget what this felt like because once I do, I will find myself back in that same position. Please let me know what you think… share your opinion on this subject. I would love to hear how you feel about it. Do you forgive easily? Do you ever forget? What does forgiving mean to you? Can you still be mad or hurt after you forgave someone? Share your thoughts… :D
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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