For years I’ve been trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Why couldn’t my family love me? Was I such a bad child growing up? I mean, what has to happen before your own brother pretends you don’t exist? How bad do you have to be for your parents to not want to check up on you once in a while?
I talked to my dad the other day, the first time in a few months. He told me he founded a new company… … … three years ago. He asked me for my new address, where I’ve been living for the last two years. But I was just glad we called. I was happy to hear him and I was happy that he took that time for me. Later that day my mother texted me to see if I was at a meeting she was going too as well. I wanted to but I had no way to get there and she knew that. She lives less than 30 minutes from me. (Don’t ask me how far exactly because I came to her house twice) So her text kind of threw me off and got that little fire in my chest burning. Just moments after her text I saw my brother. He saw me too but we were at a meeting so I couldn’t just get up and say hi. So I waited for it to be over. The minute it was, I picked up my daughter and turned around to go say hi and he was nowhere to be found. He left. Note: I haven’t seen or talked to him since January 2nd. My younger sister on the other hand… we text and we call almost every day. She is as close to my heart as my daughter is. I want to protect her and I want her to be the best she can be. I want her to grow and become such a strong woman that she won’t have to go through anything that might hurt her. I didn’t get emotional when I wrote about my dad or my mom or my brother. But when I talk about my sister I do. She is so important to me. But that’s not what this is about. The thing is, I kept trying to find reasons in myself. What did I do to them to make them treat me like this? What did I say to make them get mad at me? My dad shouldn’t even be on that list. My dad just lives on the other side of this planet and has his own life. But my mother and my brother practically live around the corner. But it's not my fault. It’s not anything I did or said. It’s been like this since I was a young child. I’ve changed everything about myself and my life. I turned everything around and tried to find a way to have some sort of relationship with them but nothing I do works. So is it my fault? Or are they just not grown enough to confront me with whatever it is that is bothering them? Maybe there’s nothing… maybe there is but to be honest, I stopped caring. I’m not going to keep following you around while you run and hide as soon as you see me. I mean, my daughter doesn’t even know who her uncle is. I am willing to bet that she won’t recognize him if I put her in front of him. But that’s ok. She has enough uncles on her father’s side of the family who adore her. But you know… I no longer take blame for the way they treat me. If they’re unable to love me for any possible reason, than that’s on them. They’ll have to work on that if it’s something they want to. If not, I’ll see you in a few years, I guess. For my personal health and happiness I need to let go of this. Because it’s a wound that refuses to heal. Or maybe I keep poking it or scratching it open? It’s time for me to let it heal so the pain can go away. I have so much more to say but I guess I’ll continue next week, who knows? Maybe I’ll just let it go completely, you’ll have to come back next week to find out ;) Please share your thoughts or experiences in the comments or send me an email via the contact page. Or talk to me on twitter or Facebook. The links are in the sidebar. I really hope that you can’t relate to this entry. If you do, I’m sorry. But keep your head up! You’re amazing and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise. Don’t let the way they treat you make you feel less valuable. Because you deserve to be loved to the best of their ability and if they can’t, they don’t deserve to be in your life!
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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