Another week has passed and I’m still trying to make a decision. It’s something that has been keeping me busy for the last few weeks. Actually, for over a year. But something came up which made me lose sleep over it again.
I could just keep worrying about the fact that I haven’t made a decision yet, or I could just calm down first. Take a moment to gather myself and my thoughts before I make a decision based on my feelings, in particular… based on how hurt I am. So I’m trying, no. I’ve decided to put the real decision making on hold until I am no longer hurt like I am now. I’d hate myself if I stop hurting and I regret the decision I made while I was still in this fragile state of mind. The worst thing about being hurt right now is that I can be OK for a while and even feel good for a little bit and then… all of the sudden, out of nowhere I’ll feel down and even a little bit depressed. I’m really trying to stay focused on all the good things during the day but whenever my daughter is acting up (most likely because I’m not feeling great) I feel myself fighting tears and wanting to give up on trying and just throw in the towel. And at night when I’m alone with my thoughts I catch myself praying for strength instead of answers. Maybe because I’m not ready to hear or find the answers. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with what I’m doing or trying to do. I know that I will regret any decision I make if I do it now because I’m not in a place where I can look at all the pro’s and con’s and be honest with myself about it. If I take a little bit more time to get over the hurt I will be able to sit down and make a list (on paper of in my head) with all the good and bad of both situations. THEN I’ll be able to make a decision based on something else than just my feelings. Everybody deals with their pain in different ways. Some need to make a decision immediately and feel great once they did. I wish that was me. But wishing is a waste of time. I need to work with what I’ve got… who I am. You know, working these things out is as far away from fun as can be but I know that one day, if I’ll run into a situation like this, I will thank my younger self for doing this now instead of running from it. So I want to figure this out, even if it’s something I’d rather not do for 10 more years. So for now… I wait. I let myself heal from the pain and once that wound has closed I will take the time to make this decision. I keep praying for strength because I know I’ll need a lot of that to make a decision and to stand behind it. Please, share your thoughts and experiences in the comments. Or email me by filling in the form on my contact page. Or talk to me on social media – links in the sidebar. I’m a work in progress and I’m ok with that!
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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