Trust is a difficult thing…
After all that has happened, how can I give my heart to someone else without being in constant fear that they will break my heart as well? ‘well, all you can do is have faith in that person’. But how? I don’t think my heart can recover from any more heartache. I gave my boyfriend my everything. I showed him every side of me. My genuine smile, my tears and I showed him all my scars. I showed him more than I’ve showed anyone else in my life. But all of that makes me ever more scared to get hurt. He holds my heart in his hands and it is in his control if I do or do not get hurt. I wish I had control over it. I just have to have faith in him. I just have to trust that he’ll never do anything to hurt me. But with everything that has happened to me by the hands of the ones who claimed to love me… How can I ever have faith in someone who is holding my heart? How can I ever have faith in the one who only has to ‘make a fist’, to break my heart? I’d like to say that I’m over my past. That I moved on. But when it comes to this, I know I’m not really over it. I’m still too insecure. My heart is very fragile. My whole being depends on the strength of my heart but if my heart is broken, what is there for me to fall back on? I’m scared. What is this feeling will never go away? What if I’ll always be scared that the one I love will show me to be the same as the people who did me wrong in the past? Should I just give up on love? Give up on caring? I told you last week, I feel numb. I do. My heart is locked up in a cage. It’s hard to breathe sometimes and it’s far from comfortable. I’m scared to get hurt. I want to stop being so scared but I don’t know how. And what if I do get hurt? How many times can I forgive before it makes me the fool? Do I keep forgiving because I believe they deserve it? Or because I don’t want to admit that this person turned out not to be what I expected? I thought I had it all figured out… ‘How not to get hurt’… but I don’t. I can shield my heart and keep my walls up but that would backfire anyways. I think you’re always putting yourself in a vulnerable position when you give in to love… but I also think that it is the most satisfying feeling if you and yours can find each other and grow strong together in the process. It’s easy to say you need to find ‘the one’ in order for you to have the best kind of love. I believe you have to find that love inside yourself first before you can give it to somebody else. You’ll have to know what you want and are willing to accept. If you figured that out it’s easier (not easy! Easi-errrrr) to stop someone who isn’t good for you. It will make it easier for you to recognize the red flags early on. If you just want to find the one… it’ll come with a lot more heartache and headache. Right now, I’m too scared. I don’t know what I want and what I’m willing to accept. I need to sit myself down and seriously think about that because it’s very important if I don’t ever want to get hurt again. (What is unlikely but a girl can dream) Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments. Or talk to me on social media – Links in the comments. Or send me an email by going to my contact page. I’m a work in progress… just like everyone else.
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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