Trust is a difficult thing.
I can trust someone to be around me. I can trust someone around my child. I can trust someone with my love but can I trust someone with my heart? In the past I’ve been hurt, lied to, cheated on and abused. All by people who claimed to love me. I trusted them around me, with my love and I even gave one of them (a piece of) my heart. Now, I’m living life without them in my life. But whenever I get hurt by someone who is in my life I get back to that place I’ve been fighting to get away from. I feel more vulnerable than anyone ever should… I over think everything and I cry until my head feels like it's going to explode. Recently I got hurt. I tried to understand but the tears kept coming and the headache wouldn’t go away. I didn’t know what to do and I got frustrated with myself and all of the sudden… nothing. I wasn’t sad anymore, I wasn’t angry and I wasn’t in any kind of pain anymore. I felt absolutely nothing. I still thought about everything that had happened but it was like I was thinking of something that had happened over a year ago, instead of that morning. I know what happened. I pulled up my wall. I couldn’t handle the pain and I was sick of the tears so instead of allowing myself to feel… I shut down all emotions at once and hid behind that big wall with a mask on. It felt like the only way out. It felt like the only way to survive. The wall I pulled up is higher than it’s ever been. It doesn’t feel safe. It doesn’t feel good. I don’t want to hide. I want to feel. I want to cry and I want to let them know that what they did, is killing me inside. But instead of feeling, I’m smiling and PRETENDING like nothing happened and I’m PRETENDING to be alright. I’ll have to take down this wall again, brick by brick and I’ll have to take off this mask but it’s a lot harder than it sounds. All I really want to do is sleep, because that’s the only time where I don’t have to pretend or feel. But I also know that that’s not an option. I’m trying to figure it out. I know what to do but I don’t know how… yet. I’m going to read my first blog entry, see if it helps me get any further :p I want to feel, I have to cry. I’m just waiting for the thing that’ll trigger it. I’m looking for something that will trigger it. Because not feeling sucks! Please share your thoughts or experiences in the comments. Advice is welcome too! Or email me -> contact page. Or talk to me on twitter/Facebook. (Links in the sidebar) I want to say something motivational but it feels like I’d be faking something. I just want to say that no matter what’s going on, it will end. I know this feeling I have right now, (“Feeling”) will change. It might take a while but it will end. Doesn’t make it better for the time being but the rain eventually has to make room for the sun. And you know, I can’t wait for the sun to come out. Stay positive!
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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