I’ve been sitting behind my laptop for the last 40 minutes, typing a few sentences and removing them. I don’t know what to talk about. I have so much on my mind but I don’t know where to begin.
Hayley is making noise behind me and I can’t seem to focus. Normally I can do this with the radio on. So why, why can’t I focus now? It didn’t take me long to figure that out. Two minutes. I don’t have a lot on my mind. I have one thing on my mind that I need to deal with. But I don’t want to. I’m scared because I will have to be brutally honest with myself. If I don’t… I’ll put myself in a very difficult situation. I’ve been at this particular crossroad already, this is the third or fourth time. But it’s never been like this. I’m wiser and I’m stronger and all that’s left for me to do is look at myself, see if this is what I really want or if this is just me following what I know. If that’s the case then I should take a turn. Time will tell if that turn is the right one. Figuring out what to do from this point, this terrible cross road where I have two choices. I either keep going like this and change nothing or I let go of everything and I start following a new path. Maybe there’s a third way to go. I just haven’t discovered that yet. Maybe there’s a way for me to change what I’ve been doing for the better and follow this path. I’m really scared to move right now. I’m scared to make the wrong move before I have chosen and that life will choose for me. I’m scared to look towards one path too long because what if that other path will no longer be available after I do so? Am I ready to let go of everything and jump, just to see what that other path will bring me? Or am I holding on to this because it’s safe, even though it doesn’t make me better? I wish I could stop thinking about it and just follow my feet but it’s too scary. Why I’m so scared? I’m not ready to face that answer. Saying ‘I don’t know’ would be a lie because I know. I know what path I want to take because I think it will be better for me. But I’m not ready to accept that I know that. This path I’ve been on has helped me grow so much. It has given me so much joy and because of it I’m in a better place right now. How can I just turn my back on it and move on to something new? So am I going to keep following this path because I feel like I should? Am I going to keep following this path because this feels safe or because this would be my choice if I’d follow my heart? Or am I going to walk towards something new, unknown? Something I’m not even sure of. What if I’ll regret my decision? I don’t know if I can ever go back! I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes and a tissue in my hand. I just realized what I should do. Doesn’t mean that it’s the easiest thing to do. I need to stop writing because I’m not ready to cry about this yet. I need to take a few days to think about this. Maybe longer. But I need to get my head and my heart to think or beat as one instead of dealing with this constant fight that’s going on inside of me. Please share your experiences or thoughts in the comments. Or email me or talk to me on twitter or Facebook. The links are in the sidebar. Even though it hurts right now, I’ll get through this.
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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