I’ve been having trouble falling asleep at night. When I turn off the lights I wish I could start over. I wish I could do things over. I don’t want to think about my future and see myself in the same place I am right now. I don’t want to go to bed regretting my every move. I want to make changes. I don’t want to feel like there are too many hours in the day. I want to live. I want to enjoy my life.
Because at this point I’m not living. I exist and I hate it. God didn’t put me on this earth to hate life. I already hate the next 20 years of my life because I know I’m going to make one stupid mistake after another. I need to change that TODAY! Not tomorrow or next week, today! If I’m not happy with the life I’m living today I have to make a change for tomorrow. I haven’t been happy with my life for years but a few years ago I still knew how to have a good time. I was talking to somebody the other day and we started talking about a festival and I said that that isn’t my thing at all. So I got the question ‘What is your thing?’ and I had no idea. I’m 22 and I don’t know what I like to do. I haven’t been out in years; I’ve been to 3 movies in the last 3 years. I’ve been to 2 restaurants in 3 years and that’s about everything I’ve done. I don’t have time for myself anymore. No, I don’t make time for myself anymore. I don’t even put on my make-up anymore. I don’t take care of myself anymore. Enough negativity, how am I going to change this? How about figuring out why I’m not happy? That might work. To be honest, there’s nothing to figure out. I know exactly what it is. The only problem, my heart and my head are fighting about it. In my head, everything is clear. I’m ready to move on. I’m in front of my exit and it’s more than clear that I have to take this exit but every time I’m about to, my heart takes over and turns the wheel and it’s too late. After the first two times that happened I was able to forgive myself and look for a way back. I even started to think that that was the right move for me, but in the back of my mind I knew better. I kept lying to myself and now I’m done believing it. I want to get out of this routine. Start over. All I want right now, is to change enough so I can go to bed not regret my every move. I’m just lost when it comes to the road I am on. I don’t know how to turn this around and get out of this. I know I’ll end up with some serious scars but it just seems hopeless to me right now. I wish it was easier but I can’t do that because I got myself into this situation. I’m scared. Of so many things. I really have to turn my life around. Today. And I will. I’ll just have to clear my head. I have so much on my mind. So many things that I can’t give a place right now. I'm just not in a good place right now and I really want to switch it up. I am going to make a lot of changes in the near future and I will get myself back. The ‘me’ that was happy with a good book and new nail polish. The ‘me’ that danced for no reason while waiting for the bus and the ‘me’ who couldn’t stop singing, even though I can’t sing. I want ‘me’ back and I will. It might take a little while but I am sure that I’ll find a way. I promise it to myself that I will do everything possible to find my happy place again. That I will find a way to accept my past and make better choices in my future. I promise myself that I will start living; enjoying my life. Most important: I promise that the day that I will go to bed happy is coming very soon. What do you promise yourself? Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments. Or email me via the contact form. Or tag me @uGottaLoveAimee
1 Comment
Nonna
7/20/2015 07:14:45 am
I promise myself a lot of things. And if there is something I hate it's promises i can't keep, which happens all the time.
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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