I’m ready to admit it. I’m unhappy in my day to day life.
My routine, that isn’t really a routine is driving me insane. I feel like I’ve been making bad choice after bad choice for a while now. Remember when I talked about switching lanes? (http://straightthinking.weebly.com/blog/switching-lanes) It’s been a long time since then, but guess what? I didn’t go off at the exit I was supposed to and now I’ve been going on for so long that I don’t know where to find that exit. It’s not just a figure of speech. I mean it. I should have made a different decision back then. Because I decided to let things go on the way they were, things got out of hand. Decisions were made and it put me (read: I put myself) in an even more difficult situation than I was already in. Now, it’s damn near impossible to get out of this situation. I should have just listened to my gut. My GPS was screaming. I turned up the music and drowned that little voice that kept reminding me that I was making a mistake. That was 4 months ago!!! It took me this long to realize that I didn’t take my own advice. I knew then that I had to switch lanes completely. I didn’t and I guess I panicked. Taking that exit can be soooo scary. I know that’s the reason why I didn’t do what I had to do then. I’m scared to start over. I’m scared to do everything all over again. Everything going on in my life right now has at least something to do with the decision I made back then (Yes, not doing anything is a decision too). I know that, but I can’t do anything about it unless I change the source. If the seeds are rotten, there will never grow a healthy tree. I have to replace the seeds, I have to change the thing that is causing me to feel the way I feel. I have to go back to the exit and follow my gut this time. I owe it to myself to find that place where I can be happy again. It’s been a long time since I woke up and felt energetic, happy, and ready to start the day. I can’t fall asleep at night and when I do I wake up in the middle of the night. Some nights I have to get up to go sit on the couch, just to catch my breath. I have nightmares about everything that could possibly go wrong. Most nights I wake up in the middle of the night anyway so I stop dreaming but the other day I woke up in the morning with tears in my eyes and I wished I would’ve woken up earlier. So yeah, it’s safe to say that I’m not happy right now. I put everyone’s feelings before my own. That’s what I do when I don’t want to face reality. I hide. But I want to be happy again. I know what I have to do next, I just don’t know how… yet. Even writing this down right now makes me feel so much better. My cousin just showed me a vine and I laughed, for the first time today (and I’ve been watching vines all morning). I know I’ll be alright. Sooner, not later! I’m going to find my way back to that exit and get off this road that is leading me nowhere. Now I just have to find a way to do it without hurting the hearts around me (I know). I hate to say it, but I told (me) so… Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments.
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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