So... I just spend the last week in Rome. I walked and walked and walked. My feet still hurt three days later but it was totally worth it! I saw so many things in such a short period.
Rome was on top my list of places I wanted to see. It still is. I want to go back! I knew that a change of scenery would be good for me. I knew that because the time I spend at my moms house helped me too. I booked this trip about 5 months ago so I knew it was coming but it couldn't have been timed better. Coming back was a great part of the vacation too because I WANTED to go home. I missed my babygirl and I was ready to be home. Even though I could've stayed in Rome for another week if I had my baby with me. I feel recharged. I feel great to be honest. It does kinda scare me because what if this is just what's left over from the trip and there's a limit to this feeling? What if I collapse next week? What if...? What if? Well... that's something to figure out IF it happens. It's not guaranteed that I'll feel like I did before I left. Right now, this is all that matters. I'm enjoying this. Today I feel great. Tomorrow is a new day and I'll find out how I feel tomorrow but I refuse to worry today about how I might feel tomorrow. I'm not worrying anymore (I'm trying really hard!). I want to be happy and if I won't stop worrying that it doesn't matter how I feel today. I'm loving life again. I wake up ready to get the day started. I like who I see in the mirror (probably because of the tan 😜). This is how I want to feel. I'm going to make the most of each and every day because even this feeling isn't guaranteed. But right now it's here so what else to do than enjoy it? It all comes down to right now. Yesterday doesn't matter. Tomorrow can't matter yet. It shouldn't. Right now. I need to enjoy right now.
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It feels like I've been laying here for hours. In reality I've only been in bed for about 35 minutes. I feel restless and even meditating doesn't help. Those mosquito bites all over my body itch like crazy even though they haven't itched much ever since I got them two days ago. It even itches on places were I haven't been bitten.
I feel restless. The wheels in my head won't stop turning and the noise they make is driving me insane. I wish I could plug my ears to stop listening to my thoughts. I just got up to measure the size of my bag that I'm planning on taking on my flight in a few days. - I GOT UP FROM MY BED TO MEASURE MY BAG!!!! My head is tired. But my body refuses to calm down so I ecan rest. My alarm will go off at 6.40... 5 hours and 32 minutes left. That makes me anxious too. Not getting enough sleep. So I'm losing sleep over not getting enough sleep, makes total sense 😒 It's so loud in my head. I keep thinking about all the things I want to do before monday. I also agreed to meeting my friends tomorrow which sounded like a lot of fun but now... I'm being completely honest right now, nothing sounds worse. All I keep thinking about is what it was that made me think that making myself presentable, leaving my house and having fun with friends was a good idea. I'm not overreacting but I just started tearing up. It sounds like I have to climb Mount Everest without anything to hold on to. I'd rather stay at home and regret not going out than going out. The noise in my head seems to turn down its volume. Can it turn itself back up? Because now I'm confronted by my reality. Now I can't hide behind the 20 different things I worry about at once. Now I'm focused on one and being focused on one thing means you have to do something about it. I hate it. I can't cancel and I don't really want to but I also don't want to go. I'm confused. I hate it! It must be so confusing to read my story. One week I'm on a cloud and I'm happy and everything's perfect and the next week I'm in the middle of... no. I am a hurricane. That's what it feels like. I feel like a storm is raging inside me and it's draining my battery. I'm neglecting everything around me and I'm not putting any time in any relationship what so ever and I'm scared to ruin everything. I'm scared that I'll look back when the storm passes just to see that there's nothing to look at anymore. I've spend the last 20 minutes writing and thinking... more thinking than writing. I'm a mess. I just hope I won't turn it everything else in my life into one too. A while back, I kept getting teased with happiness. I got little tastes of it but as soon as I started to feel comfortable it in, something would explode in my face and left me to believe that 'happiness just wasn't for me'.
Thats the biggest BULL$#*% I've ever ... heard; come up with; ... what do you mean happiness just isn't for me? No happiness is for me! It's for everyone. Not one person was born to be unhappy and miserable. This twisted and messed up world is what makes us unhappy and miserable. Doesn't mean that it's right! But less global because if I start talking about the misery on a global scale... well, I wouldn't know when to stop because that... grrr Back to me and my twisted ideas. I deserve happiness. I've always deserved it but I didn't know how to not blame myself for what I went through. I didn't know how to ask for help and I didn't want to talk to that stupid therapist that just wanted to collect their money and get rid of me and my problems because... well who would want to listen to my problems? Now I know that even if I have blame, I shouldn't make that big enough so it will suffocate me. Now I know that I should ask for help and that those therapists are there to help (most... not all - with their stupid question 'how does that make you feel' which works for some people though... just not for me). I have learned to accept myself and I had to learn how to see myself. Really see myself. Even though my life feels like an absolute mess and I'm tired and even though I feel like this is the last that I can take before I break into a million pieces, I believe that this is temporary and when this passes my life will only get better. You deserve happiness! It starts with you and how you look at yourself and your life. It's in there but you just have to dig it up. Happiness is for all of us! Finally, everything is finally falling into place. I'm embracing the fact that I'm single and I'm making the most of this time. Just me focusing on being a better me.
My baby is going to school which is giving me some (read: a lot) more time to study and go to the gym. I'm moving to a new place, perfect location, first floor... backyard!!! The perfect place to build a home where we can stay! I've made new friends that I enjoy myself with. I'm going on vacation in a few weeks. The relationship between my mom and me has never been this good. I've dropped bad habits. I started meditating. I'm starting to get closer to God again. Aaand then my bucket overflowed and I broke down. I've been saying it for months. I knew I would eventually break and I was trying to keep it from happening but I didn't know where the last drop would fall and when it did... I wasn't ready. My mom and her husband have been really supportive. They're practically making me spend the weekends there so I can gecharge a little. My new therapist sucks because she's not serious and I feel way to young. I'm tired all the time and if you give me a bed (or a chair, who cares) I'll sleep. I keep forgetting to eat and even if I don't I don't really feel like eating. My dreams are so real that I question my memory. I cry a lot. At everything, really. A stupid commercial on tv can even make me cry. I'm a mess. I'm a burned out mess. Packing up the place so I can move has never been this hard. I still haven't even packed my bag to take on vacation (Both are in the same week by the way). Everyday things are so stressful. I'm so exhausted. Old and painful memories are coming back. A lot is happening right now and I think I should take this time to really get past everything; really deal with everything. Maybe, just maybe there's a peaceful future waiting for me... I really hope so because with how I feel right now, I don't think I can keep living this stressful and painful life. It has to stop. If you have any tips on how to deal with this, or are there any articles you think I should read? Please let me know, I could really use some help right now. |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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