ALMOST two months ago I posted my 60th entry named ‘Numb’. Let me explain a little further.
I found out that my boyfriend was cheating on me. I was broken for weeks. Where I was able to get up at the first sound of my alarm in the morning, I now had to snooze 3 or 4 times before I would sit on the edge of my bed for another 15 minutes before I could actually get up and start my day. I started caring less about everything and that made me come late to appointments or even not show up at all. I kept my daughter home from school at least once a week because I just couldn’t face the world with all those tears running down my cheeks. We talked and talked and I screamed and yelled and cursed and I was mad for a while. He assured me that it would never happen again and that it was stupid. I believed him or better yet, I wanted to believe him. I gave him more of me and I started thinking about our future again. Just a week after I admitted to myself that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with him I checked his phone. Just to make sure that I was just driving myself crazy and that I had no reason to think that he would still be talking to one (or all) of those girls. BINGO! I found exactly what I thought I would find but hoped I wouldn’t. The only message that was still in his phone was with one girl who he wanted to have a second date with. Well, there’s the problem. He wanted a second DATE. You only date someone if you really like them, right? That was also the girl he claimed to have never seen. “So when did he have that first date with her?” was the only thing I could think of. I felt even more powerless than before and I wanted to kill him. I could’ve fought him. That’s what I did the time before. The only ‘problem’ this time was that the first time, my daughter was sleeping over at her grandmother’s house, this time, she was home. So I waited. I prayed about it and I started making breakfast. I woke him up and asked him if he thought I was stupid. Told him to get his things and leave. That was two and a half weeks ago. At first I was down and on the edge of depressed but then I just checked out. While he keeps talking about ‘us’ and how he wants to fight for us I'm just thinking about what it's going to be like now I'm single again. The thing is… since this all has happened I’ve been in an emotional roller coaster. No, a slingshot! A roller coaster goes up very slowly and you know you’re going to ‘fall’ at a speed that will make your stomach turn. A slingshot on the other hand… you don’t really get a warning. Before you know it you are 100 feet (30 meters) in the air and the way down is slow. Yeah, it was a slingshot instead of a roller coaster. But the way down gave me time to think. Am I worth it to be loved? YES! Do I deserve to be cheated on? NO! Am I going to sit here and wait for it to happen again? I would be stupid if I didn’t say NO. So I did everything I could to pick myself back up. I’m spending more time on myself and most importantly, to me is that I stood up for myself. I refuse to be the ‘main chick’. I refuse to be one of many. I will be the only one or I won’t be his at all. Right now it’s just me and my thoughts and my many nightmares but I feel strong and I know that I deserve better. I’m also sure that God will help me through this and by the time I’m ready for it (not when I want it) I will meet someone great. I’m sure of it. But staying with a person who’s wrong for you or who is doing you wrong will only keep you from finding a person who’s right for you and who will treat you right. Nobody deserves to be cheated on. Not only because it hurts too much to put in words but because it is disrespectful and selfish! If you love someone, treat them with love and respect and build them up instead of breaking them down. Please share your thoughts or experiences in the comments. Or email me via the contact page, or talk to me on twitter or Facebook. – Links in the sidebar. We all deserve the best and nothing less!
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This past few weeks have been very difficult for me to get through. A lot was thrown at me and I didn’t get time to process one before another came at me. It has been emotionally draining up to the point where I couldn’t even get out of bed. There were days that I couldn’t stop crying and days I couldn’t even put on a fake smile.
I ran out of masks to wear. My sister-in-law gave birth last week and being around family and putting on one of my many masks, to avoid showing them how hurt I was, was exhausting. I’m tired. I’m sick of feeling tired and all I want is to smile… and mean it. I saw a friend who I’ve known since we were young. Because of life we haven’t been able to see each other for a while and after three and a half years we saw each other again. It was like we had seen each other just days ago. I laughed and I was genuinely happy. It felt great to not fake it for once. That was the first day in weeks that I hadn’t been secretly wiping away tears that made it out of my eyes. – I’ve gotten very good at catching them before they slip out from under my glasses :p I have decided that I am going to take care of myself in ways that I’ve forgotten. It’s not about the make-up and how my outfits match. It’s not about my purse or my jewelry. It’s all about how I feel inside. Do I value myself enough to dump all the mess in my life and move on to something better? I think everybody likes to stand up and say “YES” as loud as they possibly can but the sad truth is that most of us will be lying. Do I value myself enough to dump everything that makes me unhappy so I can move on to something better? I want to say yes. But that means that I’ll have to start sorting out what I have and who I spend my time and energy on and dump what or who is holding me back or dragging me down even. I know I can be happy, I’ve seen it and I’ve lived it just a little while ago but then something awful happens and I feel like… I’m not worth it. Like ‘it’ isn’t worth it… A week ago I felt not just depressed but I felt like I would do everyone a favor if I would just leave. Anywhere. Just pack up and leave to a country where nobody knew of my existence and just start over. I think it would be a favor for myself. I was (am) sick of being hurt and scared. But… I can’t leave. I wouldn’t want to leave. Now that it doesn’t hurt that much anymore I can think more clearly and when I think about it… I want to start over right here. I want to dump everything that hurts me or makes me feel anything but happy and move on. For myself. Why? Because I’m worth it. Because I value myself enough not to keep associating with anything or anyone that makes me feel bad. YES, I value myself enough! I want better for myself and this is the only way possible. What are your thoughts about this? Please share your thoughts/experiences in the comments or via email. Or talk to me on twitter/Facebook – links are in the sidebar. Put yourself first! Make you happy. A while ago I decided to cut somebody off. Because we run in the same circle it’s hard to cut them off completely… So since everything seemed to have cooled down I thought ‘why not just give it one more chance’.
Today was that day. I went out of my way to meet up with this person even though it didn’t fit into my budget. We spend hours together and not one minute of it felt like they were interested in anything I said. Not. Once. They probably didn’t mean it that way but it felt like my child was bothering this person… and that bothers me! It isn’t like I just took my child someplace she wasn’t welcome. No… if it wasn’t for her I probably wouldn’t even made such a big effort to go see this person. I cut this person off for multiple reasons… just because time passed doesn’t make all our differences go away. The fact that everything I say gets answered by ‘Oh but this happened to me’ hasn’t changed. My fingernail ripped and got stuck in my hair so it hurt… I lost half a nail in the process (real tears because my nails are very important to me :p ) and all this person could talk about is how they hurt their nail… When I tried to get my child to sleep they took over and cuddled with her for 15 minutes until she fell asleep… I could’ve gotten her to sleep if I laid down with her but I didn’t want to do that. I didn’t want to give in to her fake crying (Yes, I believe she’ll end up on the big screen because she can fake tears and make you believe she’s actually sad). If you decide to cut somebody off you must have a (couple of) great reason(s) to do so. It not nothing to make a decision like that so coming back from it shouldn’t either. People might change to a certain level but they’ll never change who they are. I learned that the hard way and thought that this time would be… different I guess. I thought that I would be taken more serious and that maybe… just maybe I would feel welcome. The silver lining to all of this is that they’ll never be able to say that I’m not making an effort. I did my part. I think that’s most important. But… I refuse to keep chasing this person. I’m going to live my life and let them live theirs… I refuse to bend over backwards one more time for this person! Please, share your thoughts or/and experiences in the comments or in an email. Or talk to me on twitter/facebook --> links in the sidebar. Don’t let anybody hold you back! The other day I came across a quote:
‘If it’s both terrifying and amazing then you should definitely pursue it.’ If you follow me on twitter or Instagram you might have already seen it. I posted it on Friday and I can’t stop thinking about it. There are a lot of things I’d like to do but I don’t have anyone to do it with. My friends have more than one child so that makes it harder for them to just drop everything and come on an adventure with me. The adventure I’m talking about…? I want to go on vacation. Leave my baby with daddy and just go. Not even for long but just long enough to see one of the places I desperately want to go. At first I was looking for someone to go with. I wanted to join a group and just travel with a tour guide and a bunch of strangers but I want to stop depending on others. I want to be the one in charge. If I want to stay in the hotel that day and read then that’s what I’m going to do. If I want to wander through the hidden alleys and all the places tourists don’t think about… then that what I’m going to do. But if I’m with a group… we have a schedule. We have to do this or that. Off course, traveling with a guide would be interesting because you get to see much more but… It’s not even about seeing places. It’s about me. Getting out of my comfort zone. I need to stop hiding behind people and waiting to hear what THEY want to do rather than doing what I want to do. So… I decided to go alone. That scares me more than I can begin to explain. I’ve traveled alone before but I got dropped off at the airport and I knew someone would be waiting for me at my destination. This will be a trip where I’ll have the time to think for myself and force myself to take matters in my own hands. Ever since I made this decision, (a little over a week ago) I haven’t been able to think about anything else. I go to bed with my laptop and I go to YouTube to see the ’10 things to do in…’. Yesterday I looked at plane tickets and I almost started crying. Why? I went into the city yesterday with the family and we ate something, we had a drink and we played a game of pool and a cup of coffee and of course public transportation but it added up real quick and the money we spend in a few hours for some mediocre afternoon could have paid for a plane ticket to a sunny destination. Off course taking a plane will end up much more expensive but what I’m trying to explain is if I would’ve skipped that afternoon and the other attempts to a fun afternoon out I could’ve gone someplace real. The reason I haven’t ever done something like this before is because I thought it was impossible. So… now I know… I will take city trips every three months if it’s up to me. It’s a wonderful feeling… knowing that that one thing I thought I couldn’t do unless I won a lottery is possible. But back to that quote. I am scared to go on this trip by myself but I’m more excited than scared. I’m excited to finally do something for ME! I’m not waiting for others to do what I want to do anymore. I refuse because what I want is important too! What are your thoughts or experiences? Please share them in the comments or send me an email. You can also talk to me on Social media – the links are in the sidebar. You know I’d love to hear from you! Also, don’t forget to look for your weekly special this week… Post it with #MyWeeklySpecial. Have a good day, And remember… You are important, so put yourself first! |
AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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