I've been sitting here for what feels like hours. Staring at a plank piece of paper, not really sure about what's going on in that head of mine. It's confusing. I think I know but then everything just flips and turns into something completely different. It's exhausting.
Sometimes I feel empty, sometimes I feel like I could explode at any given moment. But the worst thing is, that sometimes the two mix. It feels like I'm being torn apart. Half of me just wants to sleep or sit and stare at the TV while the other half of me is ready to cry and scream and get mad. But when the two mix, I don't have the energy to cry but there's not enough silence to sleep or stare at a TV. If only I could wish this away. If only I could reset my thoughts with one button. I could wish on every star in the sky but it would be foolish to actually hope for it to come true. That doesn't mean that I don't sometimes want it to be that easy. More than sometimes... If only I could wish my tears away; my sadness; my pain; my nightmares... Or better yet, I wish I knew how to deal with this so I could make all of this a part of my past. Every time I think that I dealt with it, it somehow resurfaces without a warning, hitting me like a truck that just appeared out of nowhere. There are times that I wish I could just start over. But the thought of having to go through all of this again... I'd rather just go on. Not that I have a choice. How I wish for my life to be easier. How I wish I could just have a life where I didn't want to forget most of it because it's too hard to think about. I can make a million and one wishes, none of them will come true so instead of wishing upon dead stars, I'm going to do something that might actually work. I'm letting myself get help. My mother picked me up these last two weekends and me and my daughter spend the weekend there so I didn't have to worry about dinner or going out so my daughter can make something of her weekend and so I can rest and have someone to talk to when I need or want to. The first night I spend at her house I felt a little uncomfortable. Mostly because I've been pushing through on my own for so long and now there was someone who took care of me and made me sit down because I didn't have it in me but wanted to do a million things anyway. By opening up to her and talking to her I feel a lot lighter. Spending those weekends there gave me just enough strength to get through the week. Who knows how long this will go on? I don't even care to know but for right now, it works and I'm thankful that this is an option. I had to realize that I'm at a point where I can't figure it out on my own right now. If you know you've reached that point... don't be stubborn and just allow yourself to get help. It might be just the thing that will keep you from drowning. This for me is that little ledge on the side of the pool where you can stand on. It's just enough for me to keep my head above the water but I'm still breathing. Without it... I don't want to think about it to be honest.
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AuthorMy passion is writing. I started writing stories when I was only 6 years old and I still do it today. Blogging is something I've been wanting to do for a long time, so here we are. Archives
July 2017
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